Funeral- should I go?

[CathyTre]

I’m 45 years old, and have just been told via a group WhatsApp from “back in the day” that a very old friend of mine has died aged 50 from stomach cancer. Three weeks from diagnosis to death.

We were in a close knit friendship group back when we were very young and various of us have kept in touch til now over the years.

I have asked for the day off work to attend the funeral which I might be given as holiday if the rota can allow, and I’d like to go, but although some close friends of mine who remained very close to the deceased will be going, he and I were not close over the last ten years, just fb updates, and I don’t know his partner or children.

The funeral details have been shared with lots of us that knew the old friend, but would you go if work allowed in these circumstances?

Is the funeral far to travel to? If I remembered them with affection and had been close, I'd probably go to the actual funeral but maybe not the "do" (wrong word but wake isn't always right either) afterwards.

Yes I would go, you might not be close to their partner or children but they might appreciate hearing stories of their loved one from back in
the day. Go to the funeral and then can decide of you feel comfortable to go to the wake.
The family will feel some form of comfort seeing people turn up for their loved one.

As the details gave been shared there doesn't seem to be any restrictions on attendees.

Friendships was and wane - that's the way it goes. Just because you hadn't seen each other doesn't mean you cannot/should not pay your respects.

Ah, thanks! I was very fond of him and he was still very close to other members of our group from way back then. I’m close to some of them too, we all kept in touch with different members over the years, if you know what I mean?

I was just worried that because I do not know his partner well and his children at all I wasn’t sure about turning up?

How about you contact some of the friends that were still in contact who may know more details? That may put your mind at rest.

I think if I can get the day off I’ll go to the funeral but not any wake that his partner might have organised afterwards unless it’s very clear they want a big celebration type thing?

I’ll be honest, I’m really sad he’s died and I would really like to go to the funeral even though we haven’t been close friends for at least a decade - I don’t know how to explain that: we were a close knit group in a tourist town many years ago and we’ve all loosely stayed in touch with different members of the friendship group being closer than others.

I would go if I could.

I would go too. I think paying your respects in this way is good.

I would go.

For example, one of the deceased closest friends is my children’s god parent. We’ve all been loosely in touch with each other but some friendships have been stronger than others since we all moved away from our home town. I’ve now been given the day off for this funeral so I think I will attend but be very unobtrusive and play any wake by ear.

I’m in 2 minds, my DH always says why do people want to go to a funeral of someone you’ve not seen or been in contact with for a few years and he has lost a few friends from when he was younger but wouldn’t go to funeral. I think when someone dies young, it’s a celebration of their life, so as many people as possible should attend. My brother died aged 52 there were many people at the funeral I didn’t know, nor did his wife, but it was good to see so many that came.

I always think it is lovely when a lot of people attend a funeral. At my mothers there were so many people that I didn't know as we buried her where she was born (still in UK) and family friends, old work colleague and old friends etc attended even though she hadn't lived there for many years. It felt like a celebration of her life - she was only 60 when she died. Only close friends and family attended the wake though but I would have been happy to see anyone there.

mindymomo and I seem to be in harmony .....

A funeral is about an entire life, not just the most recent couple of years.

I would go.

I would go if you can and want to.

Please do attend the wake if it's an open invitation (usually is). My late father was a teacher, long retired, and I loved that some of his old pupils and colleagues who hadn't seen him for decades turned up to pay their respects.

I would go ❤️

there is more chance you will regret not going than going, go if you can get the time off

I was at a funeral not too long ago and there were def people who hadn't seen the deceased for a while there but they didn't go to the wake. I think it's a nice way to show respect.

I would go if you can and go to the wake too.

Definitely go, funerals are about the whole person, I think meeting other people who knew a dear family member and that they've made effort is very touching.

My brother was 45 when he died a few months ago. We were all pleased about how many people who had known him when younger came to the funeral and the tea afterwards. It made a difficult thing a little easier that so many people remembered him fondly. Go to the funeral, and the wake of you can, the family will appreciate it.

I like to see lots of people at the funerals of loved ones, it shows their life was meaningful to other people and for me that's a comfort. Small funerals are very sad, though often inevitable of course for the very elderly who have outlived many of their friends.

I'd go, and to the "do" afterwards if it's an open invite. When my mum died, people travelled from really far to come, many of whom I didn't know or hadn't been in contact with her for a long time. We were so touched and I loved chatting to them afterwards, hearing their stories. Far more people came than we'd expected but I much preferred that to far fewer!!