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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my ex’s behaviour

16 replies

Springchicken34 · 06/08/2022 14:56

Long story short me and my ex-h have been separated for over 2 years.
I have been in a relationship for around 9 months which I informed my ex-h about before I introduced my new partner to the children (they’ve met my partner a handful of times, mainly in group settings and he’s never stayed over when they’ve been here)
Today I arrived to collect the kids from ex-h and his gf of one week is there and they’ve had a “sleep over” according to the kids.
Am I being unreasonable to think that the “sleep over” could have waited one day until the kids were at my house for two weeks? And that it’s not normal to introduce your kids to someone so quickly?

OP posts:
AlwaysAugust · 06/08/2022 15:05

Absolutely not normal in the slightest. I'd be fuming, op. Please tell me you had a word with him when you picked the kids up?

Original poster
Springchicken34 · 06/08/2022 15:09

I just got the kids in the car and drove off.
I was completely and utter dumb founded by the whole situation hence the post on here 😂

I know that if I said anything or reacted then he would make it seem like I was being unreasonable.

I’m not really sure how to approach the situation

OP posts:
Ontomatopea · 06/08/2022 15:16

Fine to be annoyed but unfortunately you have no power over him now

RedWingBoots · 06/08/2022 15:19

Ignore and don't react to his behaviour.

Once he sees that you won't rise to his shit he's likely to stop it.

If you react because you now have no power to control what he does and his parenting decisions with your joint children in his time, it will be you who comes across as unreasonable.

Original poster
Springchicken34 · 06/08/2022 15:19

I’m not trying to control him or have power over him, but I do expect some decency when dealing with each other…A heads up would have been nice.
But more fool me for expecting respect after we’ve split when he didn’t show me any when we were together 😂

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 06/08/2022 15:20

That is very quick but I’m afraid this is the pitfalls of being separated - you don’t really get control of what your ex considers appropriate when it comes to a new partner.

You kind of just have to trust (or not trust, and then take a different tact) he will do what’s best and safest for the kids.

RedWingBoots · 06/08/2022 15:32

But more fool me for expecting respect after we’ve split when he didn’t show me any when we were together

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

You were just too hopeful.

AlwaysAugust · 06/08/2022 15:34

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 06/08/2022 15:20

That is very quick but I’m afraid this is the pitfalls of being separated - you don’t really get control of what your ex considers appropriate when it comes to a new partner.

You kind of just have to trust (or not trust, and then take a different tact) he will do what’s best and safest for the kids.

OP isn't trying to control anything, it's about him introducing a random woman he's only known for one week to her kids.

If a woman was introducing random men to her kids after only knowing him for a WEEK there would be uproar.

I'm also wondering if the "sleepover" was just an excuse for him to invite his new girlfriend over for sex while he was supposed to be looking after the children. Completely not on.

Original poster
Springchicken34 · 06/08/2022 15:37

The sleep over meant that she slept over with them there.

OP posts:
BloomingGreatTiming · 06/08/2022 15:39

Ex-husband did this. She was then around every weekend he had the kids. He wouldn't listen when I tried telling him that the kids wanted time just with him. She even messaged saying she understood how important it was for him to have time on his own with his kids but it was the only time they could see each other so she'd carry on with it.

He's now got one teenager that has realised that she's not a priority and do hardly sees him and another that desperately wants him to do more with her.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 06/08/2022 16:03

AlwaysAugust · 06/08/2022 15:34

OP isn't trying to control anything, it's about him introducing a random woman he's only known for one week to her kids.

If a woman was introducing random men to her kids after only knowing him for a WEEK there would be uproar.

I'm also wondering if the "sleepover" was just an excuse for him to invite his new girlfriend over for sex while he was supposed to be looking after the children. Completely not on.

Show quote history

I’m not saying she’s trying to control it, but her ex obviously believes one week is an appropriate time for a sleepover, wether his ex is in agreement is entirely irrelevant. Just because OP has different parameters it doesn’t mean her ex has to adopt the same apprqoch

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 06/08/2022 16:06

It doesn’t sound like you have an open, sharing relationship. How do you know she’s a GF he’s known a week?

You can do precisely nothing about his choices. You are just going to have to learn to plaster on a smile for the kids and breathe through the anger.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 06/08/2022 16:09

I’m of the train of thought that actually the OP doesn’t have to plaster a smile on for the kids.

I think it’s fine to express, if asked, that she thinks it’s too soon and it’s ok if they think that too.

I’ve seen so many women pander to the poor behaviour of their ex for the sake of the kids and it ends with the kids thinking either mum is spineless or that their dads poor behaviour is ok because even mum endorsed it. Either way, the dad behaves how he likes and comes out on top

girlmom21 · 06/08/2022 16:34

It's not an issue them being introduced IMO but it's not sensible having her stay over so soon.

Original poster
Springchicken34 · 06/08/2022 17:16

Thanks for your input 🙂
There’s obviously other factors (that I can’t go into) that affect the situation but I just needed to know that I wasn’t going to be gas light into thinking I was being unreasonable if I did raise it calmly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springchicken34 · 08/09/2022 21:12

Update.
I found out the other day she’s now doing the school run on his days instead of him.
I’m really annoyed. Not that she’s involved, I expect him to meet someone else and have a relationship, but I don’t expect him to stop making the effort for his own children. He’s unemployed, barely has them and then when he does he’s not even there.
I feel like I’m mental for expecting the bare minimum for him

OP posts:
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