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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I giving DD "too much power"?

64 replies

Lem0ndrizzl3 · 06/08/2022 13:29

DD is 4 and autistic. She's always been a fruit and vegetable lover so it was never an issue getting her 5 a day, but up until recently she would barely eat anything at mealtimes other than chicken nuggets, plain pasta or pizza. She had extreme texture issues so any attempt at adding new foods in would cause her to spiral.

It upset me how bland her diet was but due to my own health issues and just generally being exhausted, I admit I gave in to it because atleast she was eating. However about 2 months ago I'd had enough, so we decided to try a new technique. We noticed that she was a lot more open to new things and situations in general if she was a part of the decision process and it didn't feel forced.

So we wrote down a list of about a months worth of different meals (5 days a week) and then we let her pick the meals for the week and the days that we ate them. Those meals were then not options to choose until we had done the whole list. We were sure it would be a battle but surprisingly she took to it really well. She has been trying new foods (I am careful to make the textures as tolerable for her as possible) and actually eating a varied diet for the first time ever. Theres only been a few blips but overall its been really successful.

However when I've spoken to family and friends about this, the overall opinion seems to be "You're giving her way too much power" or "You can't let her be in control of you". I don't think we are, we choose all the meals on the list so we're having what we want to eat at some point. She just chooses the order and what day she wants it. But maybe I'm wrong?

Am I giving her too much power?

OP posts:
Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 14:56

It sounds like you are giving her a really healthy attitude towards food, building up what she will eat and giving her good options.

People who talk about 'children having power' sound like the kind of people who think you can spank autism out of children.

What frigging power or control does she have over you if she gets to choose her food, something pretty much every adult takes for granted? Whats the worst thing thats going to happen here, she grows into an adult who expects to be able to choose their own food... Not sure thats a problem...

Gatehouse77 · 06/08/2022 15:01

We were told by some knobhead at CAMHS that we had navigated around our son’s issues with food as if it was a travesty.

For years he’d only eat 2 vegetables and he had them at nearly every meal. I was able to get others into his diet that he was unaware of.

I did more or less exactly what you describe and now my son eats pretty much everything, is an amazing cook and adventurous.

The alternative was a daily battle over meals which, from my own experience, is miserable, frustrating and full of resentment. I always insisted they try something - even if it was a tiny bit on their little finger - but never that they had to eat it all.

As for other people, stand strong but accept that you don’t have total control, shit will still happen but the safety and security you build at home will be the point of reference.

Zott · 06/08/2022 15:02

It’s working, I don’t see any problem with it. Well done. Just trust your own instinct and ignore family and friends.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2022 15:03

Is your child eating a healthy, varied diet?

Congratulations, you're doing it right

Ignore anyone who doesn't get it

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 06/08/2022 15:05

Sounds like an amazing strategy.

LuaDipa · 06/08/2022 15:18

It’s working so that tells you everything you need to know.

I find it strange that people equate allowing a child to chose what they want to eat with power. I very much doubt that they would want someone else dictating what they ate at every meal, why can’t they understand that kids are the same too.

Pbbananabagel · 06/08/2022 15:19

Sounds like you’re giving her completely age appropriate power and doing an amazing job.

Bubbafly · 06/08/2022 15:22

Fair Play OP! You are playing a blinder.

GreenWillowAndCatkins · 06/08/2022 15:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for personal reasons.

WinterMusings · 06/08/2022 15:27

It's working for ALL the people who are planning/cooking/eating. Everyone else can just fuck off with their opinions frankly

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/08/2022 15:28

You're clearly the expert, they aren't. You improved her diet. You gave her controlled choice and that is perfect.

Crumpleton · 06/08/2022 15:29

You're doing what suits your family, your child is eating better than before and your meals are all planned in advance, there's a win in itself.
It's nearley 20 years ago since my daughter was that picky eater and used to have me worried but my HV said just put each food on her plate if she leaves it so be it. In all her years, and it was many of being a HV she'd never known a child starve of their own accord.

illiterato · 06/08/2022 15:31

Honestly, I think even ASD aside, this is a totally fine strategy to employ - I mean I still do the ‘do you want x or y’ with my 11 year old as then he feels like he picked, even if it’s the lesser of two evils, so there’s no ‘ugh. Why are we having x? I hate x. Ugh’.

Raggeo · 06/08/2022 15:34

This is a great idea and it seems to be working for her so who cares what people say. Well done for getting her to try new things and avoid a battle over it.
My grandmother and mum always comment if they hear me giving my kids choices about they would like to eat. I often give a choice from 2 or 3 things that I'm happy for us to have. It's just a different way of parenting compared to a generation or 2 ago.

MargaretThursday · 06/08/2022 15:34

The wrong sort of power would be saying "oh you don't like the meal you told me you liked yesterday, have a bowl of ice cream and chocolate instead".

What you do is fine. I've got a child who had food issues, and my response was to make sure there was something she'd eat, even if it was a plate of pasta on its own.
Once you make every meal into a fight then they'll eat it even less.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 06/08/2022 15:52

What you're doing is absolutely perfect. Not just for an autistic child. For any child.
I hate the " they eat what they're given and better eat it!" Mentality. Kids have so little control over their lives, so she has control over what she eats, surely that's a human right?

CornedBeef451 · 06/08/2022 15:55

That sounds like a brilliant system and you're a wonderful mom! Tell them to sod off!

MonkeyPuddle · 06/08/2022 15:56

I think that’s a stroke of genius to be honest. Happier family, empowered child, good diet, everyone on board. What’s not to love!

2reefsin30knots · 06/08/2022 16:03

I'd say that's perfect. You are in charge of the bigger picture, but she feels like she has some agency in it.

Too much control would be you all eating plain pasta every night because that is all she will tolerate being on the table.

december2020 · 06/08/2022 16:04

Kids thrive on getting to choose certain things within boundaries parents set (what t-shirt to wear, what flavour yogurt to eat etc.)
I think this is genius!
You've picked the overall meals and made sure they're varied and healthy, she gets that little bit of empowerment to pick what day those meals are being had. And as you said, no repeats until all meals have been picked.

Everyone is happy - that's all that matters.
Leave the haters to it.

DorisWallis · 06/08/2022 16:04

I think it's brilliant
She's making choices, following the rules, keeping to her side of the bargain and helping menu plan

Sidisawetlettuce · 06/08/2022 16:08

I think this is genius!

RedCardigan · 06/08/2022 16:10

You sound loving and caring and great. The araehole people are from the generation who see children as people who they have total control over, not little people they are trying to shape and guide into their own beings.
you’re doing fab

SomeoneSomewhere21 · 06/08/2022 16:14

It seems to be that you are doing the right thing. It works for you and your child. If she insisted on only eating sweets or something then yes it would be bad.
I see it as sensible controls to make your child comfortable (and healthy) rather than giving her power.
It’s hard for people who don’t have experience with an autistic child to understand these things.

JanBabiesBrummyMummy · 06/08/2022 16:15

You're not giving her power, you're meeting her needs. It sounds like you're really tuned in to what she needs OP 😀