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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About my husbands attitude towards me

19 replies

Cookiecupcake · 06/08/2022 09:23

I am on maternity leave at the moment as have a baby and toddler but usually work.

We have some stuff around the house that needs clearing. We are comfortable money wise and I know my limitations so suggested hiring a removal man just to get it done. He says 'I'm not paying for that it's lazy when I can do it myself and a waste of money'. I suggested paying myself but the answer was still no.

This may sound silly put there is a picture that has been off the walls for months from when it fell down. I asked maybe 3 weeks ago if he could maybe re hang it at some point but it didn't get done, fine, so I left it. I would do it myself but it's v heavy and I'm not tall enough. So I asked again recently when he thinks he might be able to re hang it as its been on the floor for a while and he went off on one saying 'I do enough around here, why can't you just do it yourself or learn how to do it'. I said why I'd find it hard andsaid DIY is usually his forte and he said 'well cleaning should be yours and it's not'. I have a baby and 2 year old so do my best cleaning wise but it isn't always the easiest. I suggested getting a cleaner to help and would pay for it and he was reluctant and said no as doesn't like paying for things like that. I'm trying to find solutions.

Anyway last night he listed off a load of things saying 'I work, do all the DIY, organise the bills, cook dinners, I'm sick of it'. But he takes control of bills and won't pay for any help around the house when struggling. I do all the shopping for the kids, get up with them in the night, cook and clean while he is at work and contribute 50/50 money wise. I just feel the things he listed and used against me are unfair and are just life? It made me feel really inadequate and like I don't pull my weight. I can't help that I'm not physically working right now and he is but I am getting maternity pay that helps towards the home. AIBU?

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 06/08/2022 09:28

The "cleaning should be yours but it's not" comment would have made me see red tbh.

And he can't say he does all the DIY when the DIY isn't getting done can he? He can't have it both ways.

Maybe you should suggest you swap these weird "roles" he has cemented in his little brain this weekend. Have him do the cleaning and cooking you that are "yours" while juggling looking after two children and you sort out the stuff he does.

TaffyToffee · 06/08/2022 09:30

YANBU. And he doesn’t do “all the DIY” does he, as that picture is still on the floor.

I think there are a few different things going on here:
His attitude and behaviour towards you
Him controlling the money, including yours
His attitude towards spending money

I think it’s important to see that last point in the context of the others. He isn’t just reluctant to spend money - he’s being horrible to you, and financially controlling.

You’re not inadequate. You feel that way because of how he behaves and speaks to you.

If he wasn’t around your life would clearly actually be easier. What does that tell you about the kind of partner he’s being? You are not the one who is inadequate here.

Comtesse · 06/08/2022 09:34

He’s being a arse. Why SHOULD cleaning be your job? I too would see red about that. He is not in charge of family money, no way.

Yeezytiger · 06/08/2022 09:42

You should have equal access to money and just hire help yourself. Fuck him

DenholmElliot1 · 06/08/2022 09:44

Just get someone in to do the jobs if he's out at work all day he won't even know. If he notices they've been done tell him you did it!

Eunorition · 06/08/2022 09:46

A not uncommon scenario but, with aggressive men who rage when questioned, not easy to get out of. They deliberately control the bills to keep you ignorant - it helps when they later tell you "you can't afford to be without me."

He will neither do the DIY nor let you pay for help, because he takes pleasure in it. The shit lying around is a reminder to you that he's in control and you can do nothing about it. He can insult you as much as he likes because thinks you're trapped there now.

They always act so surprised when we leave.

Goldengoosey · 06/08/2022 09:49

Why are you letting him think he is your boss? If you have the funds/access to the funds arrange for someone to put your pic up and also clear the rubbish. If you want a cleaner get one! You’re contributing 50:50 yet don’t have a say in what happens in your home. He doesn’t sound v nice tbh.

ThinkingForEveryone · 06/08/2022 09:49

His attitude quite clearly is disgusting but why are you giving him the final say?
You want to get a removal van.....organise it and do it.
You want the picture hanging, ask a friend to help and get it done!
Your husband is clearly a knob but why are you being so passive about it, it's not the 1950's anymore and you can make decisions and follow them through without his permission.

Ponoka7 · 06/08/2022 09:50

He is being financially abusive. Maternity leave isn't for cleaning, it's care of the baby (and toddler in your case). He isn't in charge, it's a partnership. Watch for his control increasing. Some men only ramp it up after children.

RandomMess · 06/08/2022 09:51

Do you have equal leisure time, equal sleep, equal access to money for yourself?

Christin3 · 06/08/2022 09:51

When do you go back to work?

Honestly, I would wait until I was back at work and settled and then kick him out.

Christin3 · 06/08/2022 10:00

Unless the abuse escalated

Cookiecupcake · 06/08/2022 10:08

Would you call this abuse? I just thought maybe he was stressed out and maybe unhappy.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 06/08/2022 10:09

This is about control and his want to control you. You could have a million in the bank and he would still be like this.

Only you can decide if you want this to be your life or the relationship role model for your children.

There are no magic words and or tricks to stop him acting like the most important person in your relationship. This unfortunately is who he is.

Dominikaa · 08/08/2022 11:50

@Cookiecupcake I think most men have a bit of attitude & don't appreciate how much we do if we stay at home and look after lil ones. That's why I am a massive advocate of women going back to work and ensuring men are involved in house work as much as we are...
My DH mentioned, when I was pregnant, that he'd expect me to pick up more house chores as I start maternity leave. I told him straight away no way, things stay as they are (we split house chores 50/50). we only realised when our DD arrived how much work it is to look after lil one haha.

If you want to pay someone to get that pic hang I'd just organise it for when your DH is at work. Surely you still have access to your bank account...

Cakecakecheese · 08/08/2022 11:53

Cookiecupcake · 06/08/2022 10:08

Would you call this abuse? I just thought maybe he was stressed out and maybe unhappy.

He's financially controlling you which is abuse. Please Google financial abuse and contact one of the organisations that can support you.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 08/08/2022 12:32

He is a mean controlling cunt who thinks he is king of the house - let him know you are equal partners or off he fucks.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 12:35

Why do you need his permission to organise a removal? Do you have access to your money?

Bunty55 · 08/08/2022 12:48

I think you need to address the way he speaks to you which is bloody rude. Then you need to start getting the jobs done and pay for them out of the money you make and deduct that from the contribution you make.
Then see how he speaks to you - the rude cxxt

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