After just 4 months of dating, I was shocked to find myself pregnant (with just half an ovary, endometriosis and failing to conceive naturally with my previous long-term partner, I had begun to accept I wouldn't be a mother).
Whilst the relationship was new, I can hand-on-heart say that I've never before felt quite a "match", and, at 39 I have quite the back-catalogue of relationships!
I was anxious when I found out I was pregnant, given the early days of our relationship and his situation. His first born son (11)was conceived 3 months into his previous relationship, followed by his daughter (9). His relationship with their mother ended shortly before their second-born as a result of fundamental differences, debt collectors visiting his house for
her £200K debts, her lying about him being able to adopt her exiting son and so on and so forth. She then waged a war against him, accusing him of rape. These charges were dropped, she admitted that they were false. I have no doubt that he is innocent. Subsequently, she withheld his children from him until family courts agreed his visitation (which was granted at 50/50). However, the last 9 years have seen her withholding the children during previously agreed visiting times. In a bid to keep the peace, he now sees them on Wednesdays and on weekends, although this is subject to her whims.
Anyway, I was anxious to tell him as we hadn't prepared and he was going through some work/ financial changes. I would like to add here that I am fortunate to be fully self sufficient since I have my own mortgage free house and savings.
I was quite emotional when I told him that I was pregnant and was absolutely floored by his response “What about my children?”. I felt extremely alone and decided to return to my house.
In subsequent discussions he revealed that his main concern was that his existing children would feel cast aside and that he would feel guilty that our child would have the upbringing that he didn’t/ couldn’t give them. This I could understand in parts, but I felt very upset that what would otherwise be the most exciting experience was now feeling like more of a disaster.
We spent a month apart, during which time I went for a private scan to determine due date. I decided not to involve him as I did not want to emotionally manipulate him into having the child. I wanted him to come to his own decision in order to feel comfortable proceeding. I will admit that I felt very angry that he had previously told me that he had been excited when she had announced her pregnancies as he had believed she would be a great mother to his children. Knowing that she is manipulative, a seasoned liar and an alcoholic, I struggled to accept that his initial reaction to our news couldn’t have been met with some joy from him.
We made progress, his initial request that I would love his children like my own being his main stumbling block.
We were back on track but I was struggling to accept that I would finally be a mother, I couldn’t believe it was happening. I had advanced screening tests given my age and was finally able to accept that this was happening when I received a call to tell me all was fine. Two days later I began to bleed and at 16w5d was induced in hospital by myself, the Friday before Mothers’ Day.
That weekend was torturous. The Saturday morning he had to drop off his daughter’s riding hat at the school for her lesson. I didn’t want to be left alone so I went with him as he had said that he would just be dropping off the hat. We ended up staying for the lesson. On the Sunday his son had a football match, his mother had gone abroad for the weekend with her new partner (and had lied to the children about where she was going and what she was doing)and it was his first football match. I didn’t feel very well emotionally nor physically but didn’t want his son to be disappointed, especially since his mother had not turned up to his poetry performance for mothers’ day on the Friday. However, I couldn’t help but feel the reality of the situation - that my needs were always going to fall to bottom of the pile. I hope I don’t sound selfish, but loosing my child on the weekend of mothers’ day and having to play family really was excruciating.
I appreciate that my partner has children from another relationship, and I am happy to provide love and support to them and to help him but I cannot help but feel that my feelings are not considered, AIBU? The due date is approaching and I have slipped into quite a depression. I will admit that I feel a disgusting jealousy that I/we do not have our own children yet I am expected to be consoled by the fact that I get to be a step-parent to his children.
I approach the weekends with dread as they seem like PGL activity weekends. He is frantic to embark on a manic series of outings, treats and events. He fears that they need to be entertained 24/7 else they won’t want to visit him. They don’t have bedtimes at their mother’s, so they stay up til midnight. He is afraid to enforce a structure or discipline, again, for fear they won’t want to visit. Come Monday morning we are both exhausted.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I am mourning the loss of my child and also wondering if I can just slot into his existing life. AIBU?