School friends and parents involvement

[Babycakes6]

My daughter’s nursery was wonderful, we were friendly with all other nursery children and parents too, invited everyone to birthdays, got invited by everyone etc. My daughter had a best friend but that girl moved very far away for school.

So at the new school, we pursued friendship with another girl we knew from nursery, I will call her J. My daughter has never been much friends with J before but I was friendly with her mum and we made an arrangement- to alternate picking up our kids from school/ stay and play/ clubs so we enrolled them in the same clubs and booked stay and play on the same days. While we would pick up our child at 6pm at the latest (stay and play finishes at 5.30), J’s parents took their time and often picked up J after dinner, very late, at 7pm and sometimes even 8pm saying they are working late (which they didn’t mention when we talk about the arrangement). I didn’t mind but my DH did, we ended up having many arguments as he wasn’t happy with the set up and didn’t want them at the house in the middle of dinner. J has some behavioural issues and stuttering but her parents pretended it’s all ok with her. Soon she started receiving assistance (special teacher) for learning problems, I suspect it was autism.

One day I saw an old aquitance from girls’ old nursery and she said she organised a big birthday and invited me via J’s parents, she seemed shocked when I told her I knew nothing about it.

She also said there was a WhatsApp group for old friends from nursery and that J’s mum was an admin for, this woman tried to add me but couldn’t, she said I will have to ask J’s mum to add me. I thought that was very odd.

Another time, when making plans for the weekend, I asked another old nursery friend and she said the whole ex nursery group are going to a museum and it was organised by J’s mum, her mum posted it in WhatsApp group. My daughter wasn’t invited.

After that I asked J’s mum about it, she apologised, said she thought we wouldn’t be interested in it and that was the end of it. We continued as before but soon we went into a lockdown.

I am a key worker so my daughter went to school during the lockdown and became best friends with another girl who was also there during the lockdown. So once back at school, my daughter was still friends with J but not like before. My marriage broke down too so we stopped the previous pick-up arrangement as my circumstances changed. My daughter had a new best friend now but we still occasionally met up with J. My daughter was mentioned in the school newsletter as being really good friend to J. I wasn’t sure why but I assumed she was helping her with the schoolwork as J has learning difficulties.

Soon I found out from my ex, that J’s mum asked him to go swimming with with her - to take our 2 girls swimming together. My ex refused. Then she asked my daughter’s new best friend and they went, for awhile.

This happened at the time when she was constantly texting me to meet up, saying we are best friends and my daughter is J’s best friend. I told her that you don’t ask your best friend’s ex to go swimming with you, immediately after their divorce and after he refuses you ask everyone else apart from your ‘best friend’. Also I told her that, as a single mum, I am too busy for games as my life is difficult at the moment and that, from now on, she can deal with my ex when it comes to play dates as I don’t really want to engage. We remained polite and smiling and she occasionally organised play dates with my ex and children.

My daughter said J’s sometimes aggressive towards her and doesn’t like her coming round to her house, but my ex forces her to go. I thought that was very odd but knowing J’s mum, I figured she was inviting them and my ex is clueless about our daughter’s current friendships (also he is extremely busy at work).

I made another friend who is a school mum and we did a lot of stuff together: sleepovers, sports, play dates etc but the other day, after the final day of the school and the dance club all girls attend, we all said goodbye and I turn around corner to see two of them (J’s mum and my new best friend) at the outdoor restaurant next to the school with their daughters. We just bumped into them and my daughter was upset as not invited to a play date. They all looked embarrassed and girls ran away!

Afterwards I spoke to my ‘new best friend’ and she said J’s mum invited her and said they needed to talk something private and that’s why my daughter wasn’t invited. However both of their husbands were there so couldn’t have been very private talk. To be honest, I didn’t even know they hanged out and I am not sure what to think now. I feel like J’s mum did it on purpose. AIBU?

I find it very strange that she wouldn’t pass invites to her daughter’s best friend, set up the WhatsApp girl for the whole nursery without including her daughter’s best friend (at the time). Also I find it strange she hid J’s learning difficulties and behavioural problems from us while we were minding J.

What could I do about this? My daughter will be Year 3 in September so I am hoping she will start organising her own play dates and I can just get on with my life and stop replying to any personal text messages from other mums. Is this the best approach?

I work full time, I am a single mum now and have other friends so it’s a major effort to keep up with her school friends and their mums anyway. I was doing it for my daughter but seeing her upset for not getting invited to the play date after the dance club, I thought that maybe I am actually hurting her friendships by engaging with other mums. Maybe I should leave the play dates to my ex (to take her)?

J's mum is trying to Wendy you.

She sounds a bit obsessed with you

She sounds like someone you'd cross the road to avoid bumping into in the street. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Didn’t read it all but basically cut her off and move on.

What on earth? Stop being so childish all of you. People are allowed to go out without inviting everyone.

This is why I never got to know any of the parents at my children's schools. I honestly couldn't be doing with all the drama. It was exhausting reading your post. Dump the lot of them and find some real friends.

Bit too long

My ‘real friends’ told me I don’t have to be friends with other school mums as they managed to raise their own children without dramas/ school parents.
On the other hand, my daughter is a single child and these kids need more contact with other children, otherwise they’ll just hang out with adults.
I just don’t understand this, I am an older mum and in my time, the primary school was very different. My parents never knew who my friends, their parents and their teachers were (they only knew my best friend and her parents) so I am thinking of taking the same approach, this is mind boggling.
My daughter was a good friend to both of these kids, she was mentioned in several newsletters as good friend so I am not sure what did we do wrong.

Are you serious about your DD organizing her own play dates? It’s a joke of the year. She might ask someone if they want to come and play but you’ll need to talk to parents anyway. So just ask different people don’t focus on one.

J’s mum behaved this way because she didn’t want you to be included in a group and didn’t want your DD to have other friends. You can’t do anything about it now so let it go, she clearly unpleasant.

If your DD doesn’t like to play with J. talk to ex about it.

You don’t need to be friends as besties with parents but you need to be on friendly terms with them to trust them and to know their children. You might even become friends with someone. I didn’t but some of them did.
You need a group of friends for DD rather then a single friend : someone to go to dance , someone to play in the park , someone you’ll go to a cinema together.
They will go to a secondary together so it’s better if she is on friendly terms with several.

So much drama. Just stay on friendly terms with people and don’t bother yourself with it all. Best friends and real friends etc all sounds a bit juvenile.

I went through something very similar with my daughter as well a few years ago. In the end the relationship with the mother deteriorated to just hi and bye and unfortunately we also lost touch with the new best friend since they were always together. It’s difficult for my little one to make friends and I had taken it very badly. But after a year I moved on and tried to focus on the positive relationships in both my personal life and at school. It helped me and this year my child has a nice circle of new friends. I would just move on and keep in mind that if someone really wants to meet you, you should not have to chase them x

Be waaay less involved with your daughter’s friendships, and stop piggybacking your own social life off hers. And step away from the newsletters, which you appear to think have some kind of quasi-legal weight.

You make a very good point here.

I think this sums it up well OP.

The woman does not sound very nice. But I think you need to take a deep breath and back off the whole thing. You sound a little intense. Let your daughter make her own friends and go to school to learn. Try not to analyse stuff too much. This is not about you.

‘Also I find it strange she hid J’s learning difficulties and behavioural problems from us while we were minding J’

And this parent is under no obligation to disclose details of her daughter’s possible SEN/behavioural issues to you. None whatsoever.

I'm glad there was no "WatsApp parents group" when my kids were little. Sound like a nest of vipers.

I zoned out before the end but for goodness sake let your daughter make her own friends and keep out of it. I can't cope with these clique mums who try to manufacture their children's friendships.

You need to be really careful not to pass on this unhealthy attitude of best friends, all or nothing, approach to relationships on to your DD. The other mum also sounds like she has weird boundaries but she is probably worried about her DD struggling socially.

Your DD should be encouraged to play with anyone and everyone, going to hobbies she enjoys and making new friends there. It is healthy for young kids to have this fluidity. It isn't healthy to lose one close friend, look around for a replacement and organise your life around them, as you did. You seem shocked that J had her own social life at nursery before you came along (after first choice friend moved away).

So stop organising groups and hobbies with only one other BFF, stop taking it personally when they have a life separate from you. Let your DD see anyone she enjoys being with, go to the park and play with whoever is there instead of planning it, step back a little (without thinking it's a choice between micromanaging and DD going it herself).

J’s mum is not and never was your friend. She was using you.

You can’t just stop engaging with school mums and leave your ex to sort all the playdates. That’ll mean your daughter gets stuck with J all the time who is a shit friend to have.

There are lots of lovely school mums, just like there were lots of nice mums at the nursery. Letting one bad experience colour your view of everyone with a child at schol would be very strange behaviour.

What your child needs is for you to tell your ex that their friendship with J has gone sour and J is being aggressive, and for you to help her build some new friendships. No she can’t do it alone, at primary school it is all dependent on the mums’ relationships unfortunately.

Js mum wants all the friends for herself. Probably because her child struggles socially. Maybe she has autism herself and struggles. She sounds very odd anyway. She was never your friend.

You don’t need to be best friends with the school mums. I know them to say hello and some mindless chitchat in the playground but they aren’t my friends. I don’t socialise with them and both my kids have plenty of friends. They go on play dates etc. Just ask your kid who they want round and text the parent to invite them. It’ll probably be reciprocated. That’s it.
Also teach your child that she won’t be invited on every play date or to every party. Saves a whole lot of upset when she inevitably doesn’t get invited. Sometimes my kids want one on one time with their friends. Sometimes I don’t want 5 kids in my house. Stop taking everything so personally

Too long to read it all but ghost her. She's sidelining you and using your DDs to help.

The previous poster who commented about your ‘all or nothing’ approach to friendships is correct. You pursued/ encouraged a very intense friendship with J when your daughter moved to school (was J the only child from the nursery going to the same school?), and became very good friends with her mum to the point of doing childcare for each other even though the other mum was taking advantage (this is the point where you should have realised she was a user and stepped back). While I understand why you wanted to encourage the friendship as they started school, it seems that this was at the expense of your daughter making other friends (and you making friends with other mums).

Things changed with lockdown, you discovered J had been excluding you from meet-ups with the nursery parents children, your daughter made a new friend, but now J is trying to take over the new friendship/ stop your daughter playing with anyone else.

I’d suggest having a word with the class teacher and see if there are any friendship issues/ problems with J (but don’t go into all the detail here and don’t mention your issues with the mum!). Make an effort to be friendly with all the other school mums, (but don’t assume they will become your new BFFs and don’t entangle your life with them so much), and encourage friendships with play dates/ trips to the park after school, that kind of thing. You still need to arrange play dates in Year 3! Maybe try an out of school activity life Brownies to expand your daughter’s friendships as well.

I have only one child, we haven't had any dramas as I just take people as I find them and don't feed drama, some people (and I can't say the op is doing this or not) may not cause it but I do think some people need it

Christ, too much drama. Walk away and leave her to it .