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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visit - help

24 replies

janie87 · 05/08/2022 09:00

We're due to visit the in-laws in a few weeks time. It will be our first visit over to Wales since Christmas.

I'm trying to be upbeat and positive about the visit for the sake of DH, but the reality is I am dreading it.

My SIL is currently living with the in-laws, along with her 10 year old daughter. Their house is a tiny 3 bed. It feels cramped at the best of times, but Christmas was just awkward. DH tends to regress when he goes home. He has his old tiny bedroom and myself and DD share a room, whilst SIL and niece share the other small room. I said to MIL that it would be easier all round if we just stayed in a hotel so everybody has their own space. Probably the worst thing I could have said as she took real offence over it. I absolutely hate having to sit around in my pyjamas making painful small talk with SIL whilst I wait for a shower.

SIL has been living back at home for the past 2.5 years. She is depressed and Christmas was incredibly awkward being around her. So much so , DH decided to come home a few days earlier. The depression has been going on for 2.5 years since her ex-husband asked for a divorce. She hasn't moved on. My MIL came away on holiday with us and every 5 seconds her phone was pinging. MIL said it was SIL as she wasn't coping with MIL being away. DH got fed up with it all as he rarely gets to spend time with his mum and when he does, SIL or BIL are calling and messaging her constantly. I politely asked her to turn the phone off because we were trying to have some family time and it wasn't fair that we were having to wait around for DD to have dinner etc because she needed to take a call. DH couldn't understand why things couldn't wait until she got home.

SIL and I don't have the best relationship. She went ballistic when staying in our house and starting screaming and shouting at DH just over him clearing up. I removed myself from the room and went to bed. She came upstairs crying and I was so angry with her for behaving like that in my home with DD asleep upstirs that I had no sympathy for her. She also told me that DH was obviously not getting enough physical attention from me.

I have hearing problems - I am completely deaf in one ear and have mild hearing loss in the other ear. I only wear my hearing aids when I need to as day to day I have adjusted and I can get by without them. They also really hurt my ears if I have them in for an extensive amount of time. The in-laws all think my hearing is a joke and make jokes about it and rant and rave at me about not wearing them. MIL will also tell me to take a look off my face when I am just sitting watching TV.

Niece tells me that I do not feed DD properly - I can only assume she picked this up from SIL or MIL. SIL and MIL at Christmas got a photo of me up on their phone from my Facebook and passed it around the dinner table and laughed that I looked like a corpse. I found this really hurtful as the photo was taken at a party and I felt I had looked okay that evening.

FIL is distraught that DD looks like me and when she was a baby other family members were told not to repeat it in front of him.

I hate going. I hate being there. I hate being the brunt of their jokes, which they say is humour. I tell them it is rudeness. They say I a too sensitive.

I don't want to go, but have to for DH.

How can I get through this visit?

OP posts:

bloodywhitecat · 05/08/2022 09:04

You don't have to go for not so DH. He shouldn't be allowing his family to treat you in that way. I would tell him he's welcome to see his family but unless they can show you some common decency then he goes alone.

AllFreeOwls · 05/08/2022 09:04

I think you need to change your mindset. You don't have to go. DH can go but you don't have to. Why reward their bad behaviour by continuing to allow them to treat you this way.

LittleMG · 05/08/2022 09:11

I wouldn’t go. Passing around pictures of you and laughing? No. I wouldn’t say talking to sil is awkward because she has depression, that’s an illness she can’t help, she can help being a total bitch shouting in your house and commenting on your relationship. I have this issue where we have to stay with the in laws, it drives me bonkers! Why is it so important to them? Why aren’t we allowed our own space? I don’t have to keep staying with my parents. When I’m a mil I’ll tell my kids they can stay where they bloody well like!

LittleMG · 05/08/2022 09:12

yes agree with previous posts tell him to go alone. My issue is my husband wants to take my kids when he goes.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/08/2022 09:14

Just don't go. Honestly.

They sound awful.

DH can go on his own and regress as much as he likes.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/08/2022 09:15

They sound absolutely vile-I wouldn’t be going at all.

DH tends to regress when he goes home. He has his old tiny bedroom and myself and DD share a room, whilst SIL and niece share the other small room

How does this work in a 3-bed house? Where are you sleeping? Where are MIL/PIL?

girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 09:19

Yeah just don't go. Let DH take DD if he wants.

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2022 09:22

You just don’t go or insist on a hotel.
I dint understand why people avoid setting boundaries to try and be liked by people who clearly don’t like them whatever they do.

Thatiswild · 05/08/2022 09:35

Just tell your husband he’s welcome to go but you won’t be. You have no obligation to spend time with people who treat you like that. It sounds awful.

ElegantlyTouched · 05/08/2022 09:43

Either don't go, or stay in a hotel. They don't care about offending you so treat them likewise.

And don't sleep apart from DH. If you have to, or DD on a mattress in your room.

And get your DH done counselling. His birth family is toxic.

Summerhasbeenandgone · 05/08/2022 09:48

Surely you and dd need protecting from these toxic people not offering up?. Your dh needs therapy and going lc at the very least.
Staying home is your best plan op.

Original poster

janie87 · 05/08/2022 09:56

My confidence hits an all time low when I am there. SIL smirks at me like she thinks I am silly etc. I don't feel comfortable in what I wear as comments are tha colour doesn't suit you or I'm surprised you've had to buy a dress in that size. They're also very weight conscious.

I am going to have a chat with DH this evening, but I know it will end up in an argument as he is very sensitive when it comes to his family.

OP posts:

Pinkdelight3 · 05/08/2022 10:00

Don't go. Stay home and let DH take DD. Or -
Go and stay in a hotel. It's immaterial how MIL feels about this. She's had her way all this time. You matter, and it's clearly ludicrous to all stay there. DH can stay there if he likes, DD can have a sleepover there for a night if she likes, but you're not obliged to stay there at all and frankly it should be bleeding obvious to everyone that it's untenable for you all to stay there.
Do not be disempowered into doing what they want. They do not care about you. Why should you put up with this - on your holiday time as well!
Oh and don't have her along on your holiday either next time. DH can take her away. Have your own break. Sounds like you need it!

Pinkdelight3 · 05/08/2022 10:01

he is very sensitive when it comes to his family.

You are his family. He's not very sensitive about you. Don't give in to this 'sensitivity'. Stick up for yourself or you'll be treated like shit indefinitely.

KosherDill · 05/08/2022 10:07

Why would you allow so many people to treat you like shit??

Don't make a big deal, like you need his permission. Just say firmly that he will be going solo for this visit. Not up for discussion. He already knows why.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 05/08/2022 10:07

Tell your DH that you will go this time, but that if you’re made to listen to rude or derogatory comments again, it will be the last time. Tell him you expect him to pull them up about every negative thing they say or do, and if he doesn’t then you won’t even consider coming with him again.

He is ignoring the situation but he shouldn’t be allowed to.

Arenanewbie · 05/08/2022 10:13

I think that your argument to DH should be that you’ve tried staying with them and it didn’t work.
How old is DD?

SarahSissions · 05/08/2022 10:18

They sound bloody awful. Don’t go, tell him he can go by himself.

IF he insists you go I would tell him that you will on the condition that he must tell them to stop being mean or you will. And then if they say anything I would look at him-give him a chance to call them on it and then say “well that was nasty” and get up and walk out- do it every time until he starts to have your back.

he’ll cave one way or another -either he’ll start supporting you or you’ll never have to go again

concernedguineapig · 05/08/2022 10:35

You're being bullied. Why are you allowing this?

They sound absolutely vile.

Don't go.

If you do go, stay in a hotel.

What the hell is wrong with your dp? Why would you let your partner be treated so badly?

Brigante9 · 05/08/2022 10:40

Either stay in a hotel or don’t go. Three bedrooms for pil, sil and niece. Where are you lot staying? Don’t think I’d go, tbh.

LuaDipa · 05/08/2022 10:41

You don’t have to go. Dh can be as sensitive as he likes but they are his family not yours. They are horrible and he should be supporting you rather than exposing you to their weirdness.

And it’s fucking fantastic that your dd looks like you, imagine being reminded of that bunch of dickheads every time you look at your dc.

MarmiteCoriander · 05/08/2022 10:49

You have a DH problem! His family are vile and he clearly doesn't see how rude and inappropriate they are to you.

Either don't go, or stay in a hotel. No way would I stay at their house ever again!

How old is the SIL? She sounds about 12.

Gerwurtztraminer · 05/08/2022 10:57

This definitely far more about your DH and his relationships with his family. What does he say when you say you don't want to go? Why is he insisting on your presence?

Before you talk to him, anticipate what he will say and what your response will be to any issues he will raise.

When you talk to him, don't allow into descend into an argument, at least from your side. Don't raise your voice or say anything overly critical of his family, given how sensitive he is about them.

Just keep calmly and firmly stating you are not going, but that he can.

Google 'Broken Record technique' to help you be assertive in the conversation. When you talk, don't get emotional - stay calm! You can empathise with his feelings (I can see this is difficult for you") but still not agree to go.

If he throws a strop or sulks just let him and don't rise to the bait. Just say " sorry you feel that way".

And don't back down.

Nietzschethehiker · 05/08/2022 11:08

I'm sorry but this really is a strengthen your spine time. I have been there about 10 years ago (now divorced) and I promise you I understand feeling stuck . But you aren't. This really needs to be an absolute line.

I didn't and I know several others who sucked it up because of a sensitive husband who is just so about their family (the regression is familiar as well) and it comes down to why are you worth less than them?

I would have saved myself a lot of pain if I had drawn my boundary faster and stuck to it.

I sort of always believed I was the one in the wrong even after my divorce. I met dp , who is very close to his family who are lovely. There was a moment where there was a genuine misunderstanding. BIL and I were talking and DP only heard some of it (everyone could understand why he had misunderstood....just one of those things ) and he immediately shut his brother down. He is closest to him other than his DM. It was all swiftly sorted out and dp was polite at the time but it was made clear under no illusions that it wasn't OK to be rude to me. Ever.

It was an absolute eye opener. Decent men who are worth being with do not tolerate this crap. From anyone. I am more than capable of holding my own these days but that's not the point decent human beings do not expect you to be the whipping person for people they share a genetic connection with.

Do not go. Why does him getting all prissy and sensitive trump you having to tolerate rudeness, nastiness and insolent adults?

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