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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

STBXH, Nursery and sick DC

19 replies

EmilesDetective · 04/08/2022 21:20

It was one of STBXH’s days where he has DC. She was at nursery. Nursery called to say she was unwell, bit of a temperature and they thought it might be an ear infection.

STBXH picked her up and took her to minor illness unit. They said she didn’t have a temperature and ear looked a bit red but was ok. He took her back to nursery. I wasn’t happy about that, but felt like I couldn’t do anything as it was his day.

A couple of hours later, nursery call me (I think because he had dropped her back). Said she had a temperature of 39, seemed unwell and needed collecting. I told STBXH, he said doctor had said she was fine and he had a meeting so wouldn’t be collecting her.

I picked up her. She had a temperature (and the next day got antibiotics for an ear infection). I ended up having her for about 3 hours.

When I told him I thought she couldn’t be left at nursery with a temperature of 39, he accused me of twisting things and said that wasn’t what had happened because the doctor had said she was fine and I was muscling in and virtue signalling. He also referred to my PND (years ago, now fully recovered) as a reason why I need to get off my high horse.

I am completely baffled by what’s going on. I can’t understand why he wasn’t going to collect her and why he’s criticising me for collecting her when he said he wasn’t going to.

I think IANBU, but I’m doubting myself because his position seems so absurd to me that I wonder what I’ve misunderstood.

OP posts:

MoveBitch · 04/08/2022 21:24

I can't believe nursery took her back tbh!

Skinnermarink · 04/08/2022 21:25

Does he have any proof that he saw a doctor and was told she was fine?

DenholmElliot1 · 04/08/2022 21:27

So he lied about taking her to the minor injuries unit then?

Because if she had a temperature, the staff at minor injuries wouldn't have said she didn't have one.

I'd be more annoyed about this to be honest. But yeah, he sounds like a dick in general, no wonder you're splitting.

lunar1 · 04/08/2022 21:27

I can't believe the nursery took her back.

Soontobe60 · 04/08/2022 21:28

I’d be checking with the nursery just how long he was gone for. Sounds like he didn’t actually take her anywhere, just back to nursery!

Original poster

EmilesDetective · 04/08/2022 21:31

He definitely took her to see the doctor. I know from subsequent visit. Not sure how the temp could have come down. I did cross my mind that he gave her calpol first, but I don’t know that. Otherwise I guess being outside for a bit, having a drink, maybe it was cool there…

I don’t know why nursery took her back. I think they were just shocked and didn’t know what to do. The fact they rang me not him later I think shows they weren’t happy about it.

OP posts:

Putonyourshoes · 04/08/2022 21:31

I second the thoughts that he didn’t take her to a minor illnesses unit at all. The timings don’t really add up to me? You have to wait at these kind of walk in places, you don’t get seen immediately. So unless the nursery sent her home almost immediately after drop off, how was it possible he collected her, took her to minor illnesses, returned her to nursery after the wait and consultation there, and then “a couple of hours later” you had to collect her and take care of her for the three hours she should have remained at nursery?
To be clear, I’m not questioning your version of events, more his story of attending the minor illnesses unit and being told there was nothing wrong.

Original poster

EmilesDetective · 04/08/2022 21:35

It can be pretty quick if you are just triaged and sent on your way. She was out of nursery about an hour I think (not 100% sure).

OP posts:

DenholmElliot1 · 04/08/2022 21:36

If he did attend, then maybe he's lying about what they said.

Maybe they said "yes, her ear is a bit red and she's got a temperature - take her home and give her some calpol and keep an eye on her".

And instead of doing this, he just gave her calpol, took her back to nursery and told them the docs have said everything is ok.

LittleOwl153 · 04/08/2022 21:36

Sadly you probably need to tell nursery what happened and tell them they MUST ring him on his days when these things happen. If he pulls a stunt like this again I bet they won't have her back from him.

Original poster

EmilesDetective · 04/08/2022 21:40

Yes, that seems possible.

Surely anyone would want to keep an eye on her at home. Nursery are lovely but obviously its not the best place for a potentially ill child

OP posts:

DenholmElliot1 · 04/08/2022 21:42

Use it against him when it comes to negotiating access to the dc. Definately get a report from the hospital for the visit, plus a report from the nursery and portray him as a negligent father.

Ontomatopea · 04/08/2022 21:43

Does he have set days? If so nursery will pretty soon stop your child attending on those days if he keeps pulling that shit.

Original poster

EmilesDetective · 04/08/2022 21:50

Yes, he has set days and agree with you about nursery if he does this repeatedly.

He’s currently saying he wants 50-50…Obviously I’m keeping a list of these sorts of things.

This is a helpful sense check. Its pretty worrying that years of gaslighting etc have me doubting myself about this I suppose.

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 04/08/2022 21:51

He collected the child, took her for medical attention, they said she was fine so he returned her as he had a work commitment

im sure he wouldn’t have returned her if they dr said otherwise

yes most people would have took the child home but it’s hardly parenting crime of the year after reading mumsnet for even half an hour!

don’t dwell move on

Original poster

EmilesDetective · 04/08/2022 21:55

Quitelikeit · 04/08/2022 21:51

He collected the child, took her for medical attention, they said she was fine so he returned her as he had a work commitment

im sure he wouldn’t have returned her if they dr said otherwise

yes most people would have took the child home but it’s hardly parenting crime of the year after reading mumsnet for even half an hour!

don’t dwell move on

It’s not actually that bit that I’m most concerned about though (and that’s why I didn’t interfere at the time). It’s the refusal to collect her after nursery called again to say she had a temperature

OP posts:

ArnoldBee · 04/08/2022 22:02

Children often have a drop in their temperature when they leave the setting they are in and are taken outside. My GP used to tell me this happened all the time and the child had been miraculous cured at their appointment as they had been taken outside.
Nurseries are known for being cautious. Her father took her to be checked however at that moment in time she wasn't presenting with symptoms. Bit like an mot - your car is only in that condition at that moment in time. As soon as your drive away anything could happen.
The issue here is how Her father approached it - most parents wouldn't have taken her back to the nursery and it could have gone either way. Unfortunately her symptoms became worse but if it's his day he should be picking her up.

CinnabarRed · 04/08/2022 22:11

I don’t think he did anything wrong.

RandomMess · 04/08/2022 22:14

It's clear that your DD got worse after she was dropped back so he was completely out of order not to pick her back up.

Young children can go downhill very quickly.

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