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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter home from uni

27 replies

autienotnaughty · 04/08/2022 16:48

Dd is 20 and at university. She comes home for holidays so has been home last few weeks. She doesn't do any housework, I cook, clean , do washing etc. I will however occasionally ask her to watch her brother (7) while I do a job or walk dog. Or if I'm going out I might ask her to let dog out if needed. So this week she had ds for 45min on Monday and weds while I walked dog and today for 90 min while I worked. They usually lay switch. She said yesterday She's my unpaid skivvy. But given she does no housework or cooking am I asking too much?

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 04/08/2022 16:50

Send her an invoice for laundry, meals, her share of the utilities etc.

RedHelenB · 04/08/2022 16:53

Can't imagine my dds back from uni behaving like that. They give their younger brother lifts, put washing on, help with dog walking, laundry, shopping , cooking. Make me cups of tea.

Nothingfallingdowntoday · 04/08/2022 17:05

I’d say she is getting off very lightly.

I expect mine to pitch in around the house (like an adult) AND hold down a holiday job.

I fund term time but not holidays.

ThatsAllFolks · 04/08/2022 17:05

Mine just finished uni but used to do at least an hour pd of helping out in hols plus making dinner half the time and walking dog too. All with a smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2022 17:07

She said yesterday She's my unpaid skivvy.

Time for her to do her own cooking, cleaning, washing and everything else.

I don't know how you've arrived here though. My 11 yo cooks breakfast and lunch for herself and does her own washing. Helps clean too.

custardbear · 04/08/2022 17:07

Bloody pull her up on that!! Cheeky mare

Darbs76 · 04/08/2022 17:08

I hope you told her she’s blooming well not. Tell her no more, she can help out around the house, cook her own food or for the family.

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 04/08/2022 17:11

No you're not asking too much! She's 20, a grown adult and adults who share a house have to pitch in and do their bit for that house to run. It's time for the 'you're not a child anymore' conversation OP and I would be using this opportunity to make some other changes too, you shouldn't be doing everything for another grown up.

Lottie4 · 04/08/2022 17:12

Mine doesn't do a lot, but than your DD. She buys most of her own shopping (helps as I do shopping on foot so at least one less trip to do a week) , cooks for herself (often eats different times to us) and sometimes a special meal for the family. She's wash up after herself and sometimes whatever is on the side. In all fairness she's do her own washing, but she's a night owl and would want to put washing machine on in the night, which vibrates against the wall and we'd hear it. If she's around when we're away, she'll look after the cats.

I'd try talking to her when everything is calm. Explain she's grown up and, although you love having her home, it creates a lot more work for you. Acknowledge she looks after her DB, but also make sure you get it across re extra work when she's home.

drunktrifle · 04/08/2022 17:12

DC1 works in a bar around 30-40 hours a week.
At home, cooks once a week,
takes it in turns with DC2 to clean the family bathroom,
does own laundry,
buys own lunches and snacks,
helps out with younger DC,
cares for pets,
all DC do dishes and clean the kitchen after I've cooked.

Much of this started before university.

GrandSlamFinalee · 04/08/2022 17:14

Why isn’t she cooking and cleaning for herself? Stop that immediately.

At 20 my mum would cook me my favourite meal occasionally during the holidays, or I was welcome to use the common washing basket etc. But I was also expected to behave like an adult and not like a 5 year old who still needs food and clean clothes provided for them on a daily basis.

But, I was also cleaning and behaving like a grown up before I left for uni. Why isn’t she contributing to the household? Does she think she’s in a hotel?

Bramshott · 04/08/2022 17:17

Was she joking? I can imagine my DD (19) saying that as a joke. She's also home from uni and to be honest not doing much, but I am enjoying having her home so much I don't mind. She will wash her clothes if she needs them, but to be honest it's easier to put them in with everyone else's. She changes her sheets and hoovers her floor and will bake a cake / fix lunch if asked.

GreenManalishi · 04/08/2022 17:23

She's your unpaid skivvy? The other way round might be more accurate, tell her to get her finger out. She's a 20 year old home from uni for the summer, not a princess returning to grace the palace with her presence. She should have a holiday job herself and if not even more reason for her to be pulling her weight. Tell her to pitch in, and reset your expectations.

HelenHywater · 04/08/2022 17:24

Charge her rent and then see what she says.

My dds are home from university. Both are working - double shifts in bars. Both walk the dogs during the day as I'm working then (they all take it in turns), do their washing, cook and look after my younger dd when she's here. They all clean with me, and if I ask they will hoover and mop. They empty the dishwasher mostly unasked.

I think your daughter is having a laugh!

WeAreAllLionesses · 04/08/2022 17:29

I just asked one of my DC to unload the dishwasher. They rolled their eyes. I ignored it and they did unload it.

I can cope with that but they're not getting away with not doing it! Unpaid skivvy my arse...

Headbandheart · 04/08/2022 17:38

When mine were on hols, the deal was
-cook and clean up/ do dishes at least once per week- they didn’t mind as good cooks and liked it
-do their own laundry and any ironing- they’d been doing that since 16 actually. 2 DS and my view is a washing machine and rotary drier is much easier to succeed at than their PS2 game or whatever it was. I have never done their washing or ironing since they reached 16 unless they’ve had an emergency or rush and they’ve asked me nicely.

—in summer- mow lawn once per week
-clean their room and change/ wash their bedclothes and towels every 2 weeks . This is so I didn’t have to go into their rooms and start shouting at the mess.
-wash and valet car - this was cos they’d tend to use it over summer and we’d cover their insurance and most petrol

  • do a deep clean after packing up to return to uni. That included an inspection by me to check under bed, drawers etc so they didn’t leave used chocolate wrappers or smelly socks festering for me to find after they’d gone back. The used condom with eldest was the decider on that, never again. 🤢No lift back to uni until it met my standard

unless they had ano summer job they’d be asked to do other chores helping their dad Or me- could be DIY or bigger gardening job etc

A lot of time if not working they’d be travelling or festivals or away visiting mates or mates coming to stay here anyway

they wouldn’t have dared state they were our scivy . 🤯

jamimmi · 04/08/2022 17:41

Nope you aren't being unreasonable she is. DS home currently works 30 to 40 hours splits cooking evening meal with me, runs DH to hospital appts and picks up DD from dance too. Does his own washing and cooking if he's not in for family meals. He's also done some decorating for me.

CallOnMe · 04/08/2022 17:41

You’re definitely not asking too much of her.

Is it the babysitting she doesn’t like doing in particular?

If so, maybe ask less of that but ask more of the housework.

LottieNoah · 04/08/2022 18:44

She’s lazy and entitled. Stop doing everything for her!!

LooksBetterWithAFaceMask · 04/08/2022 19:17

YANBU dd is 18 finishes school a year ago and ok housework can be a bit of an argument but she does do the dishes and she cooks a lot of meals. She isn’t going to college yet she works 25-30 hours locally while dh and I commute and work full-time. The deal was fine work sort-time but contribute to household duties.
she actually has taken a week off work to do some stuff with her little brother who is 12 during the holidays so I pick my battles re the housework.

At 20 she definitely wouldn’t be getting away with that at all. She’s an adult living in the house and I wouldn’t be doing everything for her if that is how she was behaving.

easyday · 04/08/2022 19:26

Why doesn't she have a summer job? Why are you doing the work - she's an adult now and could be doing the laundry, dog walking etc even if she had a job - it's being part of the family!

Crumpleton · 04/08/2022 19:40

Sit and have a chat.
Suggest to her you'll agree to pay her around the correct minimum wage, after all it's only fair as she's "working" for you.
Then out of that minimum wage she can choose to pay you the going rate either per job you do for her.
OR
Agree the going rental value she'd have to pay, including a share of all bills. Don't forget she'll need to buy her own food.

Bouledeneige · 04/08/2022 19:49

Well why are you doing all that for her? I haven't done my DDs laundry for years and she cooks, empties the dishwasher and helps tidy, clear up and empty the bin etc. She comes and goes (as I do) so we often do our own things for meals etc.

Acheyknees · 04/08/2022 19:56

May I suggest you don't do her laundry, shop or cook for her. Don't say you aren't doing these things, just stop. If she moans tell her you've decided to give all the skivvies the summer off.

Kite22 · 04/08/2022 19:57

Mine work 30 - 40 hours a week and cook / clear up / do things like the washing up / unloading or loading dishwasher / hang some washing out / etc.

None of them are angels, but, having lived away from home understand there are no housework or cooking fairies.