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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friendships require effort

23 replies

Stylishkidintheriot · 04/08/2022 12:49

I’ve had various friends over my life: but not stayed in touch with all of them. Never fallen out with anyone or have a bad word to say about them... the friendships just drifted

the friends I have stayed friends with, it seems that in each case, we both need to make an effort to stay in touch, arrange things. With some friendship groups it relies on one or two people to set up meet ups

aibu to believe that friendship is all about effort to stay in touch?

OP posts:

Mary46 · 04/08/2022 12:52

They def require effort. I have prob 2 great friends. The rest seem happy to sit back never ring always me driving miles. Got fed up so I stopped. Its exhausting when it gets that way though

mrsjusticestain · 04/08/2022 12:55

It doesn't take much effort! Send WhatsApp asking if friend wants to meet for lunch. Eat lunch. Repeat. Maybe vary to a glass of wine or 3. How hard is that?

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 12:55

Erm yes, relationships of any kind require effort

I'm sure your prize for this massive discovery will be on its way soon OP.

Original poster

Stylishkidintheriot · 04/08/2022 12:59

@Alfenstein thank you!!! I can’t wait for it to get here!!

OP posts:

Dinoteeth · 04/08/2022 13:24

YANBU.
Both parties need to put 60% effort in, if you do less you'll barely meet in the middle.
If one puts in 60% and the other 40% the 60% person eventually gets fed up because they feel like it's them putting in all the effort.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2022 13:32

Of course. It needs to be mutual or it’s not working for both parties. Where a friendship is healthy and good for you it’s easy to maintain contact and investment. I don’t have any friendships which take effort as in that I feel obligated to make rather than happy to make.

NomeatNoveg · 04/08/2022 13:33

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 12:55

Erm yes, relationships of any kind require effort

I'm sure your prize for this massive discovery will be on its way soon OP.

As will yours for pointless sarcasm.🙄

tinkertailor2 · 04/08/2022 13:40

They definitely do - especially when you don't live near each other. It's usually a ball ache to organise a meet up, it's usually quite expensive and part of you can't be arsed but it's absolutely glorious when you're together and you can't wait for the next one.

yellowsmileyface · 04/08/2022 13:51

In my experience, if it feels like effort, the friendship has probably run it's course.

I keep my friendship circle very small, and I don't feel it really requires much effort to maintain those friendships. Plans to meet up seem to occur organically (we usually make a tentative plan for our next hangout during our current hangout).

I could be misunderstanding what you mean by "effort" though!

Original poster

Stylishkidintheriot · 04/08/2022 16:15

@yellowsmileyface i don’t think the friendships have run their course... it’s just that everyone’s really busy and life gets in the way, so we have to make an effort to meet up.

pre children and when I lived near friends I would see them all the time.

one group of us were neighbors and were in and out of each other’s houses, and did some voluntary work together... so would naturally see each other all the time.

Now, we have all moved houses, had kids, and all of our lives are so busy we could go months without seeing each other. It seems to involve a prolonged group chat to find a date: whereas in our 20s we literally just rocked up on each other’s doorsteps

OP posts:

WhatIsModeration · 04/08/2022 16:22

Friendships definitely require work, just like marriages.

Like you, my pre-kids friendships were totally different from what they are now. Spontaneity is no longer a thing and any catch up that involves the kids is a write off to be honest.

I can barely find time in the day to shower (my kids are very young) nevermind "do lunch" and by the time they're tucked up in bed, I'm ready for mine.

As you get older your social circle gets smaller but richer. Quality over quantity.

Original poster

Stylishkidintheriot · 04/08/2022 16:31

@WhatIsModeration i oddly don’t find that marriage needs work: but maybe my husband disagrees with me😁

we see each other all the time and run the household with very little friction. But that might be because we’ve been together 20 years and know each other extremely well. And I’ve learned to bite my tongue instead of moaning over small things. And DH has learned that when he is in a grump then to let me know rather than sulking

OP posts:

Mary46 · 04/08/2022 16:57

I find its the vague non comittal Im annoyed with. But one or two good ones thank god. Friendship should not be hard work! I felt with 1 we just drifted and different life stages. She would never commit to a date

WeAreAllLionesses · 04/08/2022 17:00

It depends how much you value them. But as pp said, text inviting for drink. Meet and drink wine.

Not hard!!

Original poster

Stylishkidintheriot · 04/08/2022 17:53

It’s getting a time that folk are available that’s hard!

OP posts:

girlfrien · 04/08/2022 22:12

Yes it's two way for sure.

Whataboutno · 04/08/2022 22:15

Yes definitely, I only see my best friend about 4 times a year! I miss seeing people in real life! If I don't make the effort I very rarely hear from people but maybe that says more about me than I like to admit 😅

Dinoteeth · 05/08/2022 09:43

Friendship shouldn't be hardwork but you do need to put some effort into making it work, or else it just drifts apart esp when people have other commitments, work, kids, parents, pets, distance.

It is easier when your young, no real commitments and you see your friends at uni or whatever.

I have one group who involve 6mths planning for a day out and another which is easier we aim to meet every other week but it's not always easy to get those couple of hours.

Mary46 · 05/08/2022 11:54

Yes agree Dino. We just pick x date now otherwise its cant do this date and wont happen. I had one friend busy busy busy. Never kept in touch so I let if fade out.

Dinoteeth · 05/08/2022 12:02

A group of 5, realistically it needs to be a Saturday meet up due to distance, pets and kids.
3 without kids holiday constantly, 2 with kids are away different times during school holidays.
Honestly we went though the calander and were 6 mths before we could get a date. But I'm so looking forward to seeing them.

Dinoteeth · 05/08/2022 12:03

DH organises his boys weekends a year in advance or they'd never happen either.

Mary46 · 05/08/2022 12:57

Yes I find Saturday gone here with her sport if an away match but I am flexible for the evening. Its hard if a few people agree.

mamabeeboo · 05/08/2022 13:30

There is definitely a level of effort involved. I put a lot of effort into my friendships having been a victim of bullying in school, knowing what it's like to have no friends, I value my friendships.

For me, it's the keeping in touch which is most important (texts, phone calls etc), not the meet ups, which as pps have said can be difficult with time/distance etc.

I feel like those who are only friends with you because you sat next to each other in class, or lived in the same uni halls and now can't keep up with the friendship, upsets me a little, because to me it feels like they were my friend out of convenience..?

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