I've majorly messed up..

[sunnysideupxox]

I know that I've been unreasonable really but didn't know where else to post.
I've messed up. Badly. I need advice, please no judgement.
My children's father and I split up just under a year ago as we had been having a rough time. It was mess really our relationship. He'd turned to other people, and I had too. I'd lost my sister, had miscarriages, just it was an awful time and we took it out on each other and then confide in the wrong people and not each other.

I quickly (and stupidly) started seeing someone quickly who I had been speaking to occasionally while I was with my ex. I just used to sound off to him really. Unhealthy I know.

The thing is he has been lovely. He's so kind and calm, gentle and generous. But we never really had a proper relationship, never met each other's friends properly. We basically just saw each other for a couple of hours once a week or so. But we would speak all the time.

Ex and I are considering giving it another go. Discussed all that needs to change. And I've missed us being a family.
But the other guy is so lovely, and I mean.. I do love him. I don't want to lose him, but we'd never have what me and my daughter's Dad had.

I am so so torn. I know most of you will say I'm better alone and I've been so stupid.
I know I deserve judgement and people telling me what a hideous person I am. But any advice right now would be appreciated.

Well it doesn’t sound like what you and your dh was that great tbh?

what makes you want to give it another go with dh when you are happy with new person?

Here at the facts:

1. you are not hideous at all, be kinder to yourself.
2. All that matters is that your ex is a decent person and good to you and none of the issues for breaking up were to do with any abuse or being a shit partner on his part.
3. As lovely as the other man is, you owe him NOTHING, you have to do what makes you happiest, it’s your life.

I think only you can make that decision and if you do go back to your husband, you should really cut the other chap off completely. Anything else wouldn't be fair on either of them.

However, I do think you're giving yourself an unnecessarily hard time. You're not a hideous person and nothing you have done is deserving of negative judgment.

All I would advise is that you choose wisely. All the best x

Ime your dh hasn't changed..
Ime you will regret letting nice man pass you by.

When you say about giving it another go, what practical steps will be taken?

Will you be attending relationship counselling to work on what went wrong the first time before you move back in together?

How will you minimise the impact on your children? They've already had you split up once, are you going to "date" for a while with the kids totally unaware in case this doesn't work out, or were you just going to go back to being one big family again?

Noone but you can make the choice between your ex and your current bf. Good luck whichever one you choose (you're also allowed to pick neither and just focus on yourself for a bit if you need some space).

You need to clear this fog of self-recrimination and guilt before you can think clearly. You have done nothing wrong. You're in a tricky situation, and you deserve sympathy and advice, not judgement - starting with yourself!

It's difficult to have a strong opinion without knowing any of you, but my instinct fwiw is that if your relationship with DD's dad was a mess before, it will be a mess again. I'd draw a line under that one and commit to co-parenting as amicably as possible.

The new man sounds lovely, but you don't know him very well yet, so I would keep that one going but take it very slowly and be prepared to ditch if he turns out not to be what he seems.

Really I think you should follow your gut, but you won't be able to hear it properly until you stop blaming yourself for everything

Thank you so much everyone x