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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have a third when it's not straightforward?

19 replies

coomcoom · 04/08/2022 10:15

We have two wonderful DC but both are on the spectrum. In terms of their support needs at the moment they don't need anything.

DH and I would love a third but worried our DC needs will change over time, in a way that could be more challenging than NT kids, in which case a third may make it even more challenging. But equally our two are so lovely (and easy!) at the moment that it may never come to that.

Are we unduly worried? Would you have a third in this scenario?

OP posts:
HappyHappyHermit · 04/08/2022 10:18

Personally no as I would want to be more available to the two I had already throughout their lives than I think I would be with a 3rd. However, it isn't wrong to and it really is only the two of you who can decide if it is the right thing for you and your family.

Ponoka7 · 04/08/2022 10:25

My autistic DD was an easy child. But as a teen she needed social and life skill support. She works full time but needs a lot of support, booking things, managing finances, accessing credit etc. I've got three. My DD went to a SN school, my eldest has ADHD and dyslexia, she needed support in terms of report writing. My NT middle DD is a LP and I have to do childcare. My GC have additional needs which made her not go in for a third. If their earning ability is going to be affected, then there's that to consider. You're lucky to not have to do speech therapy etc. Personally I wouldn't have another.

Ponoka7 · 04/08/2022 10:27

When I say that my eldest needed support in report writing I meant as an adult. She also needed help with CVs, organisation etc. How old are your two?

Original poster
coomcoom · 04/08/2022 10:29

Ponoka7 · 04/08/2022 10:27

When I say that my eldest needed support in report writing I meant as an adult. She also needed help with CVs, organisation etc. How old are your two?

3 and 5

OP posts:
willybumpoo · 04/08/2022 10:31

No my youngest is autistic and the raised odds of having additional children with ASD are too high for me. I can manage his needs but would not be able to cope with another child who may have even more severe disabilities and needs. I just couldn’t risk it.

alnawire · 04/08/2022 10:41

There are a few similar threads, I only say this as a suggestion you look them up as they might be worth a read.

I wouldn't. I say this as an autistic adult with 2 diagnosed children. Unpopular opinion and always taken the wrong way but being autistic is hard. People often think about how hard it would be for them as parents, and for siblings but I look at it as how difficult life can be for the autistic person. Lots of people will be along to say their autistic child is 'lovely' so just to clarify I'm not talking about how the autistic child presents I'm talking about how the autistic person feels. Lots of parents of autistic children will say they wouldn't change them for the world. I find that bizarre as an autistic person because why would anyone not want to take the struggles (I have been slated for saying this in the past too) away from their child. People often think of how their autistic child is doing really well, but fail to realise the child will not always be the same (I appreciate you do mention your DCs needs might change OP, in being a bit general here) One of mine was a model child for many years, in fact we missed the autism until she was around 5. She masked her way through and we had no idea, she wa Sakai the second of mine to be diagnosed. Post diagnosis we were met with disbelief because she didn't look/act/seem autistic. She is now unable to go to school and barely leaves the house at 11 years old.

Please do think very carefully about how autism will affect any future child, not just the family who have to support them. I obviously don't regret having DD but I can honestly say if I knew then what I know now I would not have had another.

Just to clarify I didn't post this to be offensive and I am not saying autistic people don't matter (I am one remember) and I don't want to get tied up in multiple arguments as has happened in the past I just wanted to say consider it from all sides.

Playplayaway · 04/08/2022 10:55

If only we could see the future. You just never know how challenging the teen years and beyond are going to be so you need to think worst case scenario.

For us, getting our NT kids through the teenage years has been like climbing a mountain totally unprepared. There were MH issues, we had periods of school refusal and friendship/relationship issues which cloud everything. Our own relationship took a battering. Then covid came along which we obviously hadn't planned for and adult dc had to return home.

Then there's the financial burden of having teens and adult dc in further education and living at home well into their 20's whilst struggling to save to get a place of their own.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer but your dc are at lovely ages now but there will be a time when it gets a bit more challenging.

SeemsSoUnfair · 04/08/2022 11:01

Personally, no. I would put my efforts and resources into providing the best futures for the children I already have.

Original poster
coomcoom · 04/08/2022 12:16

Playplayaway · 04/08/2022 10:55

If only we could see the future. You just never know how challenging the teen years and beyond are going to be so you need to think worst case scenario.

For us, getting our NT kids through the teenage years has been like climbing a mountain totally unprepared. There were MH issues, we had periods of school refusal and friendship/relationship issues which cloud everything. Our own relationship took a battering. Then covid came along which we obviously hadn't planned for and adult dc had to return home.

Then there's the financial burden of having teens and adult dc in further education and living at home well into their 20's whilst struggling to save to get a place of their own.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer but your dc are at lovely ages now but there will be a time when it gets a bit more challenging.

How many children do you have and are they all NT?

OP posts:
MadeiraMDear · 04/08/2022 12:21

Hell no. Quit while you’re ahead.

I’ve got ADHD. One NT child, one with ASC.

The teenage years aren’t easy!

maranella · 04/08/2022 12:25

If you already have two DC with ASD, the chances of having a third with ASD goes up a lot. So how would you feel about having three DC with SEN? And what if that third DC has much greater needs and really takes up a lot of your time? What about your older two then, who may well need a lot more support as time goes on? They're so young currently that it's impossible to guess what their future needs may be, particularly in their teen years. In all honesty, if I were you, I'd stick with the two you've already got.

minipie · 04/08/2022 12:27

I wouldn’t due to the risks of a child with severe needs and the possibility that your current DC may have greater needs as they get older (eg social issues may become harder and more important as they go through school).

I have two DC, one with SN, she is lovely but has had long phases of being very hard work. Her sibling gets a bit of a raw deal in terms of attention as she takes so much time and energy. If she had 2 siblings this would be worse.

tbh I’ve never understood wanting 3 though so I may not be the best person to ask!

Choopi · 04/08/2022 12:28

No. My ASD son was a delight when young but his teen years are proving to be a different story. He needs a lot of time and support. My ds and all of his ND friends all go to CAHMS for mental health issues. It's not easy being an ND teen.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 12:39

Definitely not

You'll either have a third also with additional needs and that's not going to be fun, and will mean you give less time to three children than two.

Or they'll be NT and resent the older two for being drains on emotional resource

Neither of those options are good

pennysarah · 04/08/2022 13:05

I'd wait a couple more years. My children's needs really only became fully apparent from years 1-2 at school. They need a lot more support than they did at 3&5.

ahna68 · 07/08/2022 11:50

Interested how you find DCs relatively easy right now but yet they are already diagnosed. Not doubting you at sll
of course, just interested to hear in what ways their autism presents / what isn’t so easy right now? how do you think they’d react to a new arrival? ‘My DD1 was younger when DD2 arrived but looking back I see it as one of a few key factors that was majorly disruptive for her and probably triggered a regression that we are still trying to build back from. Doesn’t mean I regret DD2 of course

Do you have a decent support network just for the practicalities of having 3 little ones? What does your DP think about it all?

Original poster
coomcoom · 07/08/2022 15:55

ahna68 · 07/08/2022 11:50

Interested how you find DCs relatively easy right now but yet they are already diagnosed. Not doubting you at sll
of course, just interested to hear in what ways their autism presents / what isn’t so easy right now? how do you think they’d react to a new arrival? ‘My DD1 was younger when DD2 arrived but looking back I see it as one of a few key factors that was majorly disruptive for her and probably triggered a regression that we are still trying to build back from. Doesn’t mean I regret DD2 of course

Do you have a decent support network just for the practicalities of having 3 little ones? What does your DP think about it all?

Depending on the day DC1 struggles to share (he can do it, but is behind his peers), his socialising is clunky (though I personally think it is with all kids at this age), and his chat while starts off general he tends to find ways to link things to his special interests.

DC2 is younger but I would say the same applies, in addition to a lot of copying of DC1. And occasionally copying us too.

DH has said if it weren't for the autism concerns and unknowns he would have agreed to just go for it.

Support wise we have my mother near us who is wonderful, I'd have 1 year of mat leave, then WFH with flexible work hours, and enough money for childcare etc and have enough bedrooms for them each, and car is already big enough.

It really is not knowing how long term being on the spectrum will play out with our existing kids, and if we had another would they be similar, or would they need much more support.

OP posts:
BaileySharp · 07/08/2022 15:58

Once you have more kids than adults usually older kids end up looking after other kids... but that might be difficult for you DC

Original poster
coomcoom · 07/08/2022 16:11

BaileySharp · 07/08/2022 15:58

Once you have more kids than adults usually older kids end up looking after other kids... but that might be difficult for you DC

Yes that's possible.

I think DC2 would love a younger sibling, they love babies already but DC1 would possibly be less receptive to it but I don't think it would be insurmountable.

Both DC1 and 2 love each other (apart from the usual sibling bickers) but they wouldn't be without each other, call each 'best friend' etc. I would hope they would grow to love a DC3 in the same way?

OP posts:
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