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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is obsessed over her ex’s new gf.

27 replies

Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 09:23

I’m not a mum which is why I’m asking here.

My friend “L” split up with her husband “J” about 3 years ago. They divorced fairly recently and share one child. She initiated the split but he initiated the divorce and I think it shocked her.

L has had a really hard time of it since the split and worse so since the divorce. Gained an awful lot of weight and is now at morbidly obese levels (this is relevant) and has become very bitter about the whole thing. she’s suffered health problems as her weight but exists on multiple takeaways a week. I have tried to get her to come to slimming world and out walking with me but she’s not really interested, which is her prerogative.

J has done that thing that men do - he’s lost a ton of weight, become quite physically fit, become confident, has a new career (making more money than he was when with L) and has a new girlfriend of about 2 years. Since finding out about the new gf she won’t let J see his child, which I personally don’t agree with.

L has become boarderline obsessed with his new girlfriend, although they have never met. She stalks her online and then calls me up hysterically crying when she sees things - an example “she’s so much younger / thinner / prettier than me” or “they are away in Greece with her kids - he never took me away.” Etc

Most recently she found out his gf had a job promotion and (through Google) worked out her annual pay, to which she also went hysterical.
I kind of lost it with her and told her that she can’t keep blaming this woman for being the person she is. she’s now in a massive sulk with me. it’s not that I don’t care about her, but our conversations just generally focus around this girlfriend, and I’m a bit done with it. I don’t personally agree with “hate the ex’s new girlfriend just because she’s the ex’s new girlfriend” and from what L has shown me she seems a successful and independent woman who is doing well and takes care of herself. L has the potential to do this too, however seems not to want to. She seems to just want me to badmouth her along with her and maybe I should just shut up and do it.

Aibu? And how can I help L out of her weird obsessive funk.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 09:27

You can't help and I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for her to pull herself together. I wouldn't allow that toxic mess into my life.

MissKittyFantastico84 · 04/08/2022 09:28

Personally I think you sound like a really good mate, and haven't done anything wrong. It must be exhausting to see someone you care about not take care of themselves - being their own worst enemy basically.

Badmouthing this person is only going to make her feel shit - sounds like the new GF is perfectly happy in her life. I guess it's about trying to show your mate this - she's only hurting herself by chatting crap about this woman.

If she can't see sense, I would step away for a bit. You can only do so much for someone who doesn't want to make a change.

xx

MaxOverTheMoon · 04/08/2022 09:30

I actually think it's normally women who lose weight and do better after a break up.

But back to your OP - she's your mate, tell her she's allowed ten minutes to moan and then you don't want to hear about it again and your response to her about not letting her dc see their dad will never change. She sounds unwell and I'd encourage her to get counselling but not get dragged down to being her sounding board all day every day.

Original poster
Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 09:30

Thank you for this confirmation. L has always been the kind of person who struggles to make and keep friends. She can be very brusque and easily angry. The only reason I’m still around is because I’m literally the only friend she has. But it is exhausting.

OP posts:
hewouldwouldnthe · 04/08/2022 09:33

Walk away. She is demonstrating why her marriage broke down. She's toxic and you don't need it in your life. Feel sorry for the poor child, but not a lot you can do about it

x2boys · 04/08/2022 09:34

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 09:27

You can't help and I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for her to pull herself together. I wouldn't allow that toxic mess into my life.

Have to agree ,plus its going to backfire if she's stopping her child see their Dad out of pure spite.

Original poster
Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 09:34

Yeah I suppose it is. Obviously I don’t speak to J anymore (L made me delete him off everything) but I do have a few mutual friends from school. It seems like he has really flourished since the split.

L has a tendency to be quite controlling and would frequently put him down in front of others, and throw stuff around at him during fights. I’ve seen her drunk like screaming at him before, and I always felt a bit bad for him.

I’m glad he’s doing well, although I could never admit this to L!!!

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 04/08/2022 09:41

She was abusing him during their relationship by the sound of it and continues to do so in not allowing him to see his child.

She is the narcissistic ex we hear of on here so often trying to control him still. I would cut ties frankly. She doesn't seem to be very nice.

Northernparent68 · 04/08/2022 09:47

Your last post answers your question, she is controlling and abusive, your well rid.

newbiename · 04/08/2022 09:51

Besides the point , has he made efforts to see the child ?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/08/2022 09:57

"The only reason I’m still around is because I’m literally the only friend she has."
That's not a reason to be around this woman. You don't owe her your friendship.

Original poster
Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 10:07

I couldn’t tell you to be honest. I know he has tried previously but she’s gone to lengths like blocking contact from the kids phone etc. it’s been a while since he’s seen the child now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 10:10

Thanks for all your input. I think I might just kind of pull away slowly from her as saying to her that I’m done with her will just make her kick off. When I write it down it seems really bad but she can be a lovely, witty and hilarious person, which Is why I’ve kept supporting her until now. The comments have been really helpful thank you so much.

OP posts:
Vainandjustrealised · 04/08/2022 10:10

Had a friend like this
Obsessed with her fiances ex's
Constantly asking him why he settled for her and not them
I couldnt bear listening to her any longer after months of it
She would ask him daily what he seen in his ex she had found out everything about them

'She used to go to the gym every day'

It was endless

Anyway I stopped speaking to her
I think she has since got married but I doubt how healthy the relationship is

SharpLily · 04/08/2022 10:15

I think you pretty much need to tell her what you've told us, that she needs to sort herself out. In nice words, obviously! But it sounds like an attempt at an intervention is needed and if she responds badly to it then you would be right to get some distance. If she responds well to your attempt to help then hopefully you get your witty friend back.

Spudina · 04/08/2022 10:18

He has legal avenues to see his kids though surely? He can’t just give up and leave them with their toxic mess of a mother full time?
Tough one OP. You can tell her till you are blue in the face, but she’s not going to see your side. Is this still a friendship worth having? Does it bring you anything? If you distance yourself from her if she keeps ranting maybe she would take the hint? Just shut down the conversation and say “I don’t want to talk about that”

10HailMarys · 04/08/2022 10:21

Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 09:34

Yeah I suppose it is. Obviously I don’t speak to J anymore (L made me delete him off everything) but I do have a few mutual friends from school. It seems like he has really flourished since the split.

L has a tendency to be quite controlling and would frequently put him down in front of others, and throw stuff around at him during fights. I’ve seen her drunk like screaming at him before, and I always felt a bit bad for him.

I’m glad he’s doing well, although I could never admit this to L!!!

Your friend is, putting it bluntly, horrible.

You can't help her and to be honest, I think you should stop trying to. She's a toxic, controlling, spiteful person and she isn't going to change. Walk away for your own sanity.

10HailMarys · 04/08/2022 10:22

Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 10:07

I couldn’t tell you to be honest. I know he has tried previously but she’s gone to lengths like blocking contact from the kids phone etc. it’s been a while since he’s seen the child now.

She doesn't give a shit about her children either, it seems, if she's prepared to cut them off from their dad like that.

CookPassBabtridge · 04/08/2022 10:25

Awful to cut the dad off from his kids! I'd be staying away from her for that reason..
She's the one who wanted to split!

2boysDad · 04/08/2022 10:30

I think the fact she's obsessed with her ex's new girlfriend pales into significance compare to the fact that:

a) She is a violent controlling domestic abuser
b) She is using her own child to continue to abuse her ex and in the process is
c) Abusing her own child.

"but she can be a lovely, witty and hilarious person"..... ahhh. Well that's alright then.

Ihatemyroad · 04/08/2022 10:32

Your friend is t in a weird obsessive funk. I know lots of people who have done exactly the same.

Your friend is jealous and resentful and to a degree it’s perfectly normal. To your friend it appears her ex’s life has improved since they split. He earns more money, he’s in better shape and he has an attractive steady girlfriend who also earns a decent salary, it appears they have a good and happy life together.

The problem is your friends life has gone downhill since the split.

Until your friend decides to focus on her OWN life and improve it there isn’t much you can do apart from keep encouraging her to focus on her own life.

Original poster
Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 10:39

Ihatemyroad · 04/08/2022 10:32

Your friend is t in a weird obsessive funk. I know lots of people who have done exactly the same.

Your friend is jealous and resentful and to a degree it’s perfectly normal. To your friend it appears her ex’s life has improved since they split. He earns more money, he’s in better shape and he has an attractive steady girlfriend who also earns a decent salary, it appears they have a good and happy life together.

The problem is your friends life has gone downhill since the split.

Until your friend decides to focus on her OWN life and improve it there isn’t much you can do apart from keep encouraging her to focus on her own life.

I think you are right. Thank you for this.

OP posts:
ThanksAntsThants · 04/08/2022 10:40

I’d be telling her, bluntly, that she needs to pack it Inn and stop being a total psycho nightmare. That the new gf seems decent and it’s she who is behaving like the total nutjob. i’d be saying I’m done if she doesn’t get some therapy to deal with this shit, then if she reacted badly I would be done.

I’d be blunt because you said she’s blunt. I’d tell her straight because somebody needs to. i’d be quite prepared to upset her because she sounds like a pain and a bad friend anyway.

Original poster
Throwaway374849 · 04/08/2022 10:41

Spudina · 04/08/2022 10:18

He has legal avenues to see his kids though surely? He can’t just give up and leave them with their toxic mess of a mother full time?
Tough one OP. You can tell her till you are blue in the face, but she’s not going to see your side. Is this still a friendship worth having? Does it bring you anything? If you distance yourself from her if she keeps ranting maybe she would take the hint? Just shut down the conversation and say “I don’t want to talk about that”

I don’t think he does because technically now the child is old enough to choose not to see their dad, and that’s what she says is happening - that they don’t want to see dad. Kid is lovely but has a lot going on. I had never really thought of her not letting him see the kid but I now some of the comments are making me think … I think stepping back is the right thing to do for me. Thanks all for the advice.

OP posts:
Iamdonewiththis · 04/08/2022 10:48

I feel for the child stuck with the toxic parent. Using a child as a weapon is never right. Tell her that. Tell her she could be having a lovely life and moving on and it's her holding her back not some woman who didn't cause the breakdown of her marriage.

If she doesn't listen then move on.

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