Do you think about "the one who got away?"

[Bibbedybobbity]

The reason why I am wondering is when at university a chap and I were seeing each other behind someone else's back (yes, i know but i was very young) which shows we never saw each other properly. It was just one of those things that kinda rumbled on but then she found out, they split (and left uni as they were a couple of years above me) and to be honest I didn't think that much of it. I would have liked to give it a go but in reality we were so young and very different it was very obvious it really wasn't actually going to work. I mean, it could have done, but it wasn't something that played on my mind apart from an occasional memory or if a certain song played over the years.

He has been ill. He got in touch to say how much he regretted us not giving it a go and he should have been with me and that he treated me badly which he just can't get over. He married someone else - not the original girlfriend - and has a couple of kids, as did I. Even when I tried (in the nicest possible way) to say that was very good of him to think of it like that, he really didn't need to he was quite insistent. We haven't seen each other for over 30 years now.

Here is the crux. He died. And his wife contacted me to tell me personally as she knew I was the one that got away and how much he still loved me. She seems so very lovely. Really very lovely, and I can't imagine her living like that. Or am I overthinking it considering she's grieving and she's weirdly trying to be nice to me to have something "other" to think about?

So, do you have a "one that got away"? Does it feature in your life even now?There are a few at the time I was gutted about but in reality, one especially, would have been a totally insane prospect on so many levels. I can't imagine having my husband feel there was someone else who featured more highly than him... what do you think?

And his wife contacted me to tell me personally as she knew I was the one that got away and how much he still loved me. She seems so very lovely. Really very lovely, and I can't imagine her living like that. Or am I overthinking it considering she's grieving and she's weirdly trying to be nice to me to have something "other" to think about?

I think she probably needed you to tell her that wasn't the case. I hope you did.

So sorry to read this, how awful for you. It sounds like you need some way of saying goodbye to him. This might sound crazy but psychologically it does work, write a letter to him with all the things you want to say and then burn it. You might find it cathartic. His wife knew how much you meant to him so she was trying to include you as a significant other - she was reaching out to you as someone else who perhaps needed to be able to grieve. Maybe after some time you could contact her and give her some support.

I think if it was meant to be ,you would have stayed together ,,there are a few men in my past that I think ,what if, but the fact is it didn't work because it was never meant to
This man might have been infatuated with you ,but it's not the same as love

I can't tell her how he feels because when I previously told him not to be so silly and that we were kids (when he originally contacted me) he was as i say insistent that he could feel what he felt and that was it.

What I could say is that I was gutted for her and if I could do anything for her then I would. I have never met her, I haven't seen him for 30 years, it's totally mad.