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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just have nothing to give at the end of each day

15 replies

noy · 03/08/2022 23:32

I have two small children and a chronic health condition which causes severe fatigue.

I have a tiny baby and a demanding toddler.

At the end of each day, I literally just want to be alone. I don't want to do anything social with anyone, including my DH. I want just time for me. The hour I get before I pass out asleep, needs to be mine. Whenever it's not, I find myself yearning for that time. Any activity I do instead, is a waste of that precious hour.

My DH is very frustrated with me, as he wants to spend more time with me. I just don't want to. Has anyone felt this way ? I don't know how to change it. I'm just so exhausted.

OP posts:
SpindleSheWrote · 03/08/2022 23:46

Yes, I know what you mean. And it's not a lot to ask, is it?

Crocsandshocks · 03/08/2022 23:47

Totally normal. Dh needs to. Manage his expectations. Can he do more to share the load?

AllTheWorldIsGreen · 03/08/2022 23:50

My children are all in their teens now and I feel I am FINALLY past that phase. It feels like my mantra for the past 18 years has been "EVERYONE wants a piece of me and there isn't enough to go round!" Apologies if that isn't what you wanted to hear but I believe it does get better. Eventually.

Louise0701 · 03/08/2022 23:51

Were expectations managed prior to having 2 children? With you having a chronic condition, surely discussions were had about how this would affect you? If he is now backtracking on a previous agreement he is BVU

Nuisancepenguin · 03/08/2022 23:52

Yeah that’s normal I think, that’s all I want after DC in bed and I’ve done my chores.

Penguintears · 03/08/2022 23:54

I feel the same too. I end up stating up way too late just to get some time to myself. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I just need to be doing it completely alone to recharge.

HeddaGarbled · 04/08/2022 00:05

This is one of those situations where I can see both sides. Of course he wants to spend some time with you when he gets home from work. That’s a good thing. It would be very worrying if he didn’t.

But, yes, you’re exhausted.

Can you not just be in a room together without doing activities? Don’t most people in your situation just slump in front of the telly of an evening?

Do you need some extra childcare support because of your health condition?

Will your H understand if you tell him this is only temporary?

Apollonia1 · 04/08/2022 00:05

Does your husband do bedtimes? You could start relaxing while he does that, and then you may feel like interacting with him later.

I totally empathize. I'm a single mum to twin toddlers. When they're in bed (it's crept up to 8:30pm) the next 2 hours are for me. I don't want to speak to anyone during that time.

Christinatheastonishing · 04/08/2022 00:10

How tiny is the tiny baby?

For the first few months it's totally normal to feel the way you do.

Beyond that, I think it's worth taking a look at how life is structured and work together to make sure you get couple time AND 'me time'. IME that almost always involves the father whining less and helping more.

Original poster
noy · 04/08/2022 03:58

Christinatheastonishing · 04/08/2022 00:10

How tiny is the tiny baby?

For the first few months it's totally normal to feel the way you do.

Beyond that, I think it's worth taking a look at how life is structured and work together to make sure you get couple time AND 'me time'. IME that almost always involves the father whining less and helping more.

Under six my months

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2022 04:03

Does DH give you any time when he is on deck so you could spend your 'free' time with him? Or does he get free time and you get none?

deeperthanallroses · 04/08/2022 04:03

I have an under 6mo. Dp sent a well meant message this morning enjoy girls day out! As the other two are at school and childcare and all healthy for the first time in a month, I’ve done nothing but look after baby, parent sick children and be sick for over a month. I was so annoyed I called him to explain that doing the shopping and going to the chemist and buying a child’s birthday present and using a gift voucher for baby all with baby in tow is not in any way a girls day out, even if I do stop for coffee and cake which I eat while jiggling pram with one hand to soothe said baby.

Original poster
noy · 04/08/2022 07:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2022 04:03

Does DH give you any time when he is on deck so you could spend your 'free' time with him? Or does he get free time and you get none?

I feel like I try to give him more free time than he gives me. I feel like even when he's home, he's always needing to go and do something and I'm left with the kids.

I get time to have a shower, but that's about it most of the time.

He says he's really fed up and unhappy with how I'm acting. I do understand. But I feel like I'm in this alone with the kids. He works a lot ( it's not a choice ).

He has also said and done shitty things and it's kind of damaged the trust between us. He says I need to forget the nasty things he's said and move on. But it happens frequently and then he thinks it's fine just to apologise and I will forget about it. It doesn't work like that for me. Most recently he's said a few nasty things ( basically implying that I'm not doing a good job looking after the house and cooking etc ). I can't just forget stuff like that and I guess I have just shut myself off from him even more since the most recent complaints he's had about me.

OP posts:
ItsDangerousInKingsmarkham · 04/08/2022 07:54

We try to just watch telly on the sofa at night, even just a 20 minute show. As the newborn phase has slightly passed, that time has become 'a bit of a chat and the telly' or sometimes 'telly holding hands' 😄

Can you spend more time together in other ways? Cooking a meal together, or even lying on the sofa with the laptop doing the online shop?

It's really really hard to make time for each other, and the demands on you as a mother of young children are really tough.

ItsDangerousInKingsmarkham · 04/08/2022 07:56

Ah just read your update. Fuck him. Prick.

How about he tries a role reversal and let's see how much of a Mary Poppins/Mrs Hinch he is while you swan off.

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