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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flakey "friend" keeps cancelling things.

27 replies

Crocsandshocks · 03/08/2022 19:34

I had a friend. Let's call her Lucy. We both have 2 daughters similar ages. Basically she has form for being flakey. Making plans and then cancelling them. Her DD was due to have a birthday party at the weekend but has now cancelled as her DD apparently wanted to change plans! No mention of rearranging anything. She did this with her younger daughters birthday last year. AIBU to pull away from her as she is unreliable and flakey? Luckily I hadn't told my daughter that the party was happening at all, so I don't have to disappoint her. But we had somewhat booked this in the diary. I'm prepared to be told AIBU but it's the 4 or 5 time she has said she'll do stuff and then change her mind.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 03/08/2022 19:37

Depends on your tolerance level - I couldn't be bothered with this lack of courtesy and consideration (it's more than flaky!)

iworkatthesecret · 03/08/2022 19:39

I mean the party example isn’t great because that’s a lot of people to mess around and there may be other reasons she cancelled.

You mentioned other times. So either say it to her that you’re tired of her cancelling or just stop agreeing to meet up.

oopsfellover · 03/08/2022 19:48

I don’t know about pulling away from a friend because they’re flakey, but maybe adjust your expectations and don’t rely on her too much socially. If that’s possible.

TulipCat · 03/08/2022 19:48

Oh god, I can't stand flakiness, especially if it affects my children. If you want to remain friends but protect your children from constant disappointment always have a back up plan for the days you are meeting and don't mention it to the kids beforehand

Solongtoshort · 03/08/2022 19:51

I had a friend like this, she used Covid some many times to get out of our arrangements which on at least 3 she posted on Facebook about travelling to her boyfriends, If you had symptoms you wouldn’t go there even if he was your in bubble. The last time we agreed to meet up l said l couldn’t until an hour later snd she made a sarky comment, l was fumming then l counted 9 times she had cancelled our plans, this involved letting my young children down who were excited to see her. I think she thinks l am just sulking but l am not l am just done. My life has got some much less stressful.

Who needs added drama in their life.

Original poster
Crocsandshocks · 03/08/2022 19:54

Thanks. I'm also fed up of being accommodating and saying I dont mind when really I think it's crap. What should I say to her. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Meraas · 03/08/2022 19:59

Just don’t turn up.

Wasywasydoodah · 03/08/2022 20:02

I had a flakey friend like this once. Looking back, I put up with it because i was lonely and a bit low. But she didn’t do my loneliness and self esteem any favours and i got fed up with it in the end. Can’t be doing with flakiness now!!!

HannahSternDefoe · 03/08/2022 20:04

Do you need to say anything?

Just stop being available.

Lilithslove · 03/08/2022 20:21

I know someone like this. If if wasn't for her flakiness I think we'd be much better friends as she's really good fun and lovely when I see her. I deal with it by only inviting her to group events which can happen with or without her and being non committal if she invites me to something unless it's for the same day so she doesn't have time to change her mind. It means I don't see much of her but it's nice when I do.

blebbleb · 03/08/2022 20:23

I can see why you'd be annoyed. I have quite a high tolerance for that type of behaviour though so I'd likely let it slide. Not sure why that is, i just don't think I invest that much energy in stuff that like that.

CruCru · 03/08/2022 20:28

Honestly? Next time she invites you to something say “Unfortunately I won’t be able to make this. I hope you have a great time!”

If you do make plans with her and she cancels, be unavailable for the next couple of months.

LikeAStar1994 · 03/08/2022 20:35

My friend used to be like this but he was having some personal problems (I didn't know about this) and kept cancelling our meet ups. So I got really annoyed with him because I felt he was messing me about.

Even to this day, I try not to look forward to meeting up with someone because I'm always paranoid they're going to cancel and then it will be disappointment all over again.

It sticks with you.

Original poster
Crocsandshocks · 03/08/2022 20:37

Even to this day, I try not to look forward to meeting up with someone because I'm always paranoid they're going to cancel and then it will be disappointment all over again.

I identify with this. I like to look forward to things and was looking forward to this event. But I will know for next time.

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 03/08/2022 20:44

I have you considered asking her why she cancels? If you are being honest with her maybe you will learn why I this happening. I would tell how much it upsets your dc, and the disappointment.

Macaroni46 · 03/08/2022 20:46

Ooh I can't bear flakiness. I'd phase her out. I'd maybe even let her know why.

Original poster
Crocsandshocks · 03/08/2022 20:54

I wouldn't be surprised if she's secretly rearranged the party with just a few of her dcs friends and we haven't made the cut. Makes you paranoid as they are obviously doing something for her daughters birthday.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 03/08/2022 20:56

If she contacts you, say 'who'? That'll mess with her mind

tiggergoesbounce · 03/08/2022 21:14

Oh i can't stand that people now use "flakey" instead of calling it out as just being rude.

If its a genuine change of plan of course these things happen, but to already be thinking they are cutting you out means something, trust your gut.

Im border line letting a friendship go as its becoming more of a chore. If its making you over think things, conversations youve had, what her intentions are or second guessing why shes doing things then its too much like hard work (take my own advice)

Or do as i have been

Not telling our child about meeting up with them unless we are on route to meeting them, so they are not disappointed. Our child doesn't ask to see theirs, its my friend that makes a point of them meeting up but then is just hard work.

user1471556818 · 03/08/2022 21:17

I would just caution that sometimes if you have anxiety or depression you cancel things at short notice ,could this be what's happening here

Lilithslove · 03/08/2022 21:28

user1471556818 · 03/08/2022 21:17

I would just caution that sometimes if you have anxiety or depression you cancel things at short notice ,could this be what's happening here

Sometimes but I think that some people are just flakey with no deep reason. Even if it is anxiety or depression it seems in this case it is causing the OP upset which isn't OK.

I think you have to decide whether or not you can accept them as they are or whether it isn't worth the effort.
No point taking it to heart or angsting over whether or not she has arranged another party and excluding you.

Original poster
Crocsandshocks · 03/08/2022 22:44

I don't think she has depression and anxiety unless it is very well hidden.

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 04/08/2022 10:26

Just ask her directly. Why do you keep cancelling friend, and listen to the answer.

Cw122 · 04/08/2022 23:49

I've deffo been the flaky friend in the past for a few reasons - absolute burnout from the job i was in at the time, period of really bad anxiety and ocd behaviours and money worries. I absolutely hate asking for help and I'm really private about stuff so my friends wouldn't have known that about me at the time apart from 1 really close friend - tbh I don't think I had the words to explain it as I didn't fully understand what was going on myself but I was saying yes to everything because I hated the idea of letting someone down and i genuinely wanted to go, I just then couldn't follow through. I lost some friends because of it which I respect because that's their boundary to make but I really really appreciate the friends who stuck by me more than they'll ever know. Especially the ones who cared enough to sit down and actually try to find out what was going on.

NeedToLeaveNow · 04/08/2022 23:53

Crocsandshocks · 03/08/2022 22:44

I don't think she has depression and anxiety unless it is very well hidden.

People hide it VERY well