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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about losing my kids?

15 replies

BenForEver · 03/08/2022 13:47

I know I need legal advice. I'm trying to sort that out but it's hard to get away from work and home to meet anyone.

I am trying to leave my DH, but I'm worried he might get main custody of the kids. He has changed jobs to go very part-time, and taken a big pay cut to be at home with the kids, whereas I have taken on lots more hours and now 90% of the household costs are covered by me.

However, he has absolutely not stepped up at home. I just do it all - and we pay for childcare during the week.

DC are under 5.

I just feel so worried that somehow I will end up losing the kids and paying CM to my ex.

In terms of hours, DH might spend more time with them but he is often looking at phone/playing video games. Whereas soon as I stop work, I'm doing dinner, books, playing games, I also do all their admin, buy all their things, organise stuff. He will absolutely deny this. I can just imagine him arguing that I should have EOW or something to 'allow me to work'.

On paper he is the modern dad and I'm the workaholic mum. But it's not like that at all. He is just a lazy manchild who wants me to be a stepford wife plus Richard Branson plus Nigella Lawson plus his mother.

Is there a risk he could get them and the family home? I'd rather tolerate him than risk that. I'm only working all these hours and pushing myself for DC and because I know they can only rely on me.

OP posts:

Idontthink · 03/08/2022 13:52

you need to arrange legal advice asap.

it’s not impossible to take a day off work or half a day to speak to a lawyer

Him in his phone is no different to you taking x time to make dinner be careful at resulting to mud slinging

facts are what’s important not a he said X and she does Y

Shgytfgtf111 · 03/08/2022 13:52

How old are the children? Are they likely to get a say who they live with?

Will you be taking them with you?

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 03/08/2022 13:54

i dont really know much about how the system works but i would doubt it however whilst you are trying to get some professional legal advice i would recommend keeping a daily diary covering everything that you do. Good luck OP as sounds like you have another child on your hands there.xx

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/08/2022 13:56

I gave up my job as a ward sister to prevent this happening. I stayed unemployed for the remainder of the divorce, it was grim but I didn't know what else to do. I got full custody of DS but only because my exH was nuts and showed himself up in court.

RedHelenB · 03/08/2022 13:57

I would imagine it would go 50/50 if he'd their main carer and they're under school age. But if you want to split up you should do so. Situations change and you may find even if he gets 50% of time awarded for eg. that he decides its too much further down the line.

35965a · 03/08/2022 13:59

You need legal advice. Would he even want more than 50/50? If he is the main carer then yes it is possible he could get more contact than you and be the resident parent.

3WildOnes · 03/08/2022 14:05

In my experience it is likely that as he is their main carer then he would get 80/20 or 50/50 if he pushed for it.

Original poster

BenForEver · 03/08/2022 14:16

Well one is in his pre-school and the other one is looked after by various family members during the week too. So yes, he is the main carer but he often doesn't have either of them at home with him - he was meant to do lots of the other stuff - cleaning, cooking, laundry but he doesn't do any of that.

He only has both kids to himself one day during the week and it is an absolute shit show.

I can't leave him if 80/20 is a risk.

I thought 5050 was unlikely when they're so small? The smallest is a baby.

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 03/08/2022 15:31

He is just a lazy manchild who wants me to be a stepford wife plus Richard Branson plus Nigella Lawson plus his mother

Extremely well summarised. There’s so many of these cunts walking around.

Scatterbrainbox · 04/08/2022 20:04

I'm another one who went part time 6 months before I left him for this reason. Was able to claim a bit in tax credits. It was actually fine as I hadaways been the frugal one despite earning all the money and he was the spender.

Could you do this?

millymollymoomoo · 04/08/2022 20:11

I’d say there would be good chance he could paint himself as primary carer yes

Wonderwoman333 · 05/08/2022 07:55

Yes there is a good chance he will get main residency if he is the main carer.

Elleherd · 05/08/2022 08:45

Honestly? I really don't think you're currently in a good position at all.
Did he know you're considering leaving when he went part time? Was it a mutual decision or one he took?
You might need to take a day off work to get proper advice, or if it comes to it go sick, frankly.
In your position I wouldn't be leaving right now IF the situation was bearable, while you set about changing it.

2pinkginsplease · 05/08/2022 08:47

I’d be encouraging him to get back into full time employment to be able to pay into the household money before making any decisions.

Elleherd · 05/08/2022 08:57

BTW I get how unfair it's all going to feel with two under five and working your butt off, but IME men like that usually know what they're doing and that family and friends will step up to support them in the lifestyle they've become accustomed to.

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