To wonder how you stop resentment of the ex spilling over onto the children?

[Ughhhhh1]

I know this probably doesn't make me come across well but I'm struggling with this situation.

My husband's ex and mother of his eldest DC is hard work. She's not high conflict in the sense that she's very obviously hostile but she is very subtly manipulative and makes everything hard work. Her life is incredibly disorganised which ends up spilling over into ours and as the years have gone one I just cannot stand her more and more (I used to think she was okay until her making things difficult became more and more apparent). I'm now convinced she does small things on purpose just to be awkward. And even though they in isolation aren't huge things, they all add up.

Basically I've reached a point where I cannot stand her having an impact on my life the way she does and I feel so much better and more at ease when DSC isn't here as a result. Any mention of DSC or his ex makes me bristle now because she's a constant little niggling thorn in our life. I actually like DSC a lot individually but I can't help but I wish he didn't have her so that I didn't have to deal with this woman.

There is always some problem, something to work around, some issue that didn't need to be an issue if that makes sense. She manipulates my husband all the time to get her own way and this then spills over onto me too.

I cannot wait for the day he doesn't have to liaise with her anymore.

My husband can tell I've gotten more and more fed up as the years have gone on.

How do you just accept someone having so much say and control over your home life when you can't stand them? And how do you stop it from affecting how you view DSC or step parenting in general?! I honestly breathe a sigh of relief when she goes home and I know we probably won't have to deal with her mum for a few days at least.

I think you should give some examples as otherwise it's hard to whether yabu or not

Ask your thread to be moved to step-parenting.

I didn't want to give specific examples as I don't want it to be outing and I also don't think I am being unreasonable to dislike her, that wasn't really the purpose of the post.

But in general it's things like just booking overtime at work or nights out with friends or things like that and then not telling us until the day of and if we can't accommodate it becomes a manipulative guilt trip of 'dont you want to see her?', 'ill let her know you don't want her then' things like that. There isn't a week that goes by without some swapping or changing or messing around at the last minute. She claims she 'forgets' to tell him if she needs to swap things but frankly I don't believe her.

There are lots of other little things like that that just seem to happen all the time.

Your big mistake is not having a rigid set timetable.

put one in place. Stick to it.

provide a mobile number and check it once a week. Only bother replying if it’s absolutely necessary

it blows my mind how blind people are when the solution is right in front of them

if you don’t do the above then expect to continue to feel as you do

Booking overtime at work? Night out? Not your problem

why allow her to make it your problem?

her problems are nothing to do with you or your husband?

why let her convince you they are?

Sounds like you have a dh problem as much as his ex being a pita

We do have one on paper. But it doesn't stop the extra requests coming in all the time. My husband gets annoyed by it too but then gives in as he is made to feel bad for not wanting his daughter extra. Obviously I can't be the one to 'stick to the schedule' but my husband finds it very hard to understandably when you're made out to be a terrible parent for doing so. He's terrified of her telling their daughter he doesn't want her and things like that, she can be particularly nasty when things don't go her way.

I don't disagree. But I do think my husband is more caught between a rock and a hard place than just being a dick for the sake of it like her.

You have a husband problem. He needs to learn one simple word. NO.

Your HUSBAND is creating the hard place. You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it, and he's allowing it. If he properly managed her cheeky bullshit, she wouldn't be pulling this nonsense anymore because she'd know it doesn't work.

Thanks, there are other things too, not just that it was an example but I don't want to go into detail about every issue.

I'm just wondering if anyone has felt like this and how they sort of let it wash over them and not get wound up by it or let it affect their relationship with DSC?

As long as your husband tells his daughter in an age and stage appropriate way that there’s a timetable and he will be sticking to it from here on in it won’t harm the child

especially not if he sticks to it and he’s a good father otherwise

why worry about what she does and says to her child? That’s her issue. Not yours. Yous didn’t say it. You prove your love and commitment to the child by being consistent and by being there not by jumping to the commands of her mother!!!

Don’t let this wash over you?

show your husband this thread?

i would go to hell before I let some madam influence my life to this extent

what you are experiencing is simmering resentment and resentment is like drinking your own poison hence that took you to posting here

either accept things as they are or turn into a massive selfish woman for a day! Shout, demand and insist that this will happen no more!!!!