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Original poster

To want time apart?!

15 replies

Mammyloveswine · 03/08/2022 09:05

Currently on holiday with a big group-several families, kids of different ages all staying in one huge house.

Ignoring the fact we have somehow ended up with the room next to all the kids, I just want some time with just my DH and our DC!

Things came to a head a bit last night as plans changed again when DH had agreed to go out just us and the kids (having spent the entire day with all the families). Other people then wanted to join and instead of saying "oh sorry mammy and I would like a bit of time to ourselves" he then said to me "is that ok with you Mammy? You don't mind do you?" Meaning i wouldve looked incredibly rude saying "well actually yes I do". I did say "oh DH I thought we had discussed that we wanted to show DC xyz" to which he then replied "oh sorry mammy doesn't want you along so just us are going". To which I then said "no it's absolutely fine I must have misunderstood what was discussed" as I didn't want to have an argument in front of everyone.

Half the DC (including my own) didn't want to go so I ended up staying in with my two and another 3 children whilst everyone else went out, including DH.

When he came back we had a bit of an argument about the whole situation but he did seem to understand my point about us agreeing to have time just ourselves so today suggested we do abc and said "just us".

I again said to the group that as we are doing something all together tonight we then might want to spend the day doing our own thing.

So this morning I'm pottering about not rushing to head out and I am asked again "so what are we doing today then? Are we all staying together?" Argh no! DH, the kids and I are GOING OFF ON OUR OWN!

Is it so bad to want a bit of peace for just a few bloody hours?!!

I am never doing this again!!! (And yes it is primarily DH friends/family who we are away with).

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 03/08/2022 09:09

💅

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/08/2022 09:11

To which I then said "no it's absolutely fine I must have misunderstood what was discussed"

Why did you say this? You can't blame DH when you were a doormat.

BigFatLiar · 03/08/2022 09:18

Why do people do this!

We sometimes had my mum and dad who were happy to have the girls for the day so we could wander off on our own. But that was their choice.

If its a specific holiday 'lets do route 66' or 'lets cross Canada by Train' , fine. Hanging out with a large group of family and friends for an extended time is hardly a great holiday.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 03/08/2022 09:22

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/08/2022 09:11

To which I then said "no it's absolutely fine I must have misunderstood what was discussed"

Why did you say this? You can't blame DH when you were a doormat.

Not being a doormat but DH response put me in an incredibly awkward position how he worded it so I didn't want to either a. Appear extremely rude or b. Have an argument with DH in front of people. Hence the discussion later on in private.

He keeps on suggesting things all holiday and I am sick of him then moaning to me because nobody else wants to do it so he doesn't get to do it when I have told him that we are not joined at the hip with everybody 24/7 and he needs to speak up!

Case in point he had suggested to me "I want to do "activity" so I said when asked the plan "oh DH really wants to do "activity" so we are going to do that so please don't worry about us, then DH goes "I mean I don't mind if other people want to do something else I'm happy to do that too". I asked him why he had said that "well I just don't want it to be awkward".

Anyway we are heading out just us this morning but I swear to God I am booking an all inclusive holiday for just us in Spain for next year...

Before I get "you have DH problem" or "no is a complete sentence" this was a semi lighthearted rant!!

OP posts:
yonce · 03/08/2022 09:24

". Other people then wanted to join and instead of saying "oh sorry mammy and I would like a bit of time to ourselves" he then said to me "is that ok with you Mammy? You don't mind do you?" Meaning i wouldve looked incredibly rude saying "well actually yes I do". I did say "oh DH I thought we had discussed that we wanted to show DC xyz" to which he then replied "oh sorry mammy doesn't want you along so just us are going". To which I then said "no it's absolutely fine I must have misunderstood what was discussed"

This bit is bonkers to me! If he's okay with them coming along, but you'd prefer family time - surely you can just say "oh no, it's just going to be us and DC tonight but tomorrow would work"?

I mean you've gone on a group holiday, I'm not sure what you expected tbh - at least you know for next time.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 03/08/2022 09:33

yonce · 03/08/2022 09:24

". Other people then wanted to join and instead of saying "oh sorry mammy and I would like a bit of time to ourselves" he then said to me "is that ok with you Mammy? You don't mind do you?" Meaning i wouldve looked incredibly rude saying "well actually yes I do". I did say "oh DH I thought we had discussed that we wanted to show DC xyz" to which he then replied "oh sorry mammy doesn't want you along so just us are going". To which I then said "no it's absolutely fine I must have misunderstood what was discussed"

This bit is bonkers to me! If he's okay with them coming along, but you'd prefer family time - surely you can just say "oh no, it's just going to be us and DC tonight but tomorrow would work"?

I mean you've gone on a group holiday, I'm not sure what you expected tbh - at least you know for next time.

It was just so awkward how he said it it-in hindsight I should have said "but DH we had agreed we wanted a bit of time just the four of us" but then he would've said "but it's fine, the more the merrier" as he wouldn't worried about coming across as rude!

What I'm most annoyed about is that before I agreed to this I said in the group chat "of course we all must go ahead and do things ourselves aswell as together as a group" and it was all agreed that this was a good idea!

Anyway like I said I will absolutely know for next time!!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/08/2022 09:44

You're not happy for him to put the decision on to you but are happy to say "oh we're going out alone because DH wants to do this" - you're doing the exact same thing.

When someone asked you whether you're all staying together you could just say "no me and DH are taking the kids out. We'll be back by tea time." Easy.

yonce · 03/08/2022 09:47

@Mammyloveswine

I'd just drop him in it 😂 it's definitely hard - especially if it's mainly his friends / family, you can't always be as blunt as perhaps you could be with your family!

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 03/08/2022 09:48

yonce · 03/08/2022 09:47

@Mammyloveswine

I'd just drop him in it 😂 it's definitely hard - especially if it's mainly his friends / family, you can't always be as blunt as perhaps you could be with your family!

Thank you Yonce!

OP posts:
DuarPorte · 03/08/2022 09:54

I will never understand why people group you with other people to do these sorts of holidays.

me, spouse, DS6 and DS2 is a chaotic enough holiday I’m finding - and the very notion that we would actively choose to do this with absolutely one other person with us is just bonkers.

why do people do this.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 03/08/2022 10:10

DuarPorte · 03/08/2022 09:54

I will never understand why people group you with other people to do these sorts of holidays.

me, spouse, DS6 and DS2 is a chaotic enough holiday I’m finding - and the very notion that we would actively choose to do this with absolutely one other person with us is just bonkers.

why do people do this.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.., visions of the adults all chilling whilst the kids play, taking it turns to cook/bbq.., relaxing drinks etc,,,

In reality.., a nightmare catering for everyone, kids all getting annoyed with each other.., can't even have sex with DH due to the close proximity of our room to all the kids (our room also has no lock on.,).

Definitely never again!

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 03/08/2022 10:11

I agree with pp, you sound like an absolute doormat, who is incapable of communicating. There are ways and means of saying no to Dh without being rude infront of other people, until you get the chance to discuss it privately.

rookiemere · 03/08/2022 10:17

We did these holidays when DCs were younger and they were fantastic.

However each family had their own car and generally did their own activities during the day, unless agreed with the other family in advance. We'd generally eat 3-4 dinners together either at the villa or out, but it was acknowledged that this was also a good opportunity for couples to get some time alone for a meal out, whilst the other DPs would baby sit.

I had a similar conversation with DP over our first extended family holiday. The adult females of the family ( SIL and myself) seemed to be expected to do all meal prep and tidy up and their family is big so there are a lot of them.

I put my foot down one lunchtime and insisted that DH, DS and I go out alone without anyone else. Thankfully DH got it.

Brigante9 · 03/08/2022 10:18

When I stay with extended family-several cousins, uncle, aunt, my parents, all the kids, I expect we’ll do stuff together, surely that’s the point. One or two hangers on (friends, not family) might go off for a walk or something, but the idea of going away together is to be together (or am I on my own here?!)

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 03/08/2022 11:34

rookiemere · 03/08/2022 10:17

We did these holidays when DCs were younger and they were fantastic.

However each family had their own car and generally did their own activities during the day, unless agreed with the other family in advance. We'd generally eat 3-4 dinners together either at the villa or out, but it was acknowledged that this was also a good opportunity for couples to get some time alone for a meal out, whilst the other DPs would baby sit.

I had a similar conversation with DP over our first extended family holiday. The adult females of the family ( SIL and myself) seemed to be expected to do all meal prep and tidy up and their family is big so there are a lot of them.

I put my foot down one lunchtime and insisted that DH, DS and I go out alone without anyone else. Thankfully DH got it.

That sounds much more what I was expecting!

OP posts:
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