To be lost at 3yr old behaviour

[fairysong]

FTM to DS aged 3. He's always been a crap sleeper. For about a year now we've had disturbed nights. Sometimes he will sleep through (rare!), sometimes he will wake up once or twice and just need a quick reassurance cuddle but most the time he is up multiple times crying and screaming until someone goes in and stays with him.
We've tried leaving him to cry however are in a semi with thin walls so it's not practice or fair on next door, we've tried sitting outside the door, we've tried lights on, lights off, white noise on, silence etc.
the only time he will sleep and re settle himself is if he is sleeping in the room.
We are lucky if we are getting 4 hours of sleep at night! DS tends to sleep for maybe 6 in total and we are all exhausted.
This is also having a major impact on his behaviour during the day with tantrums galore which turn into him hitting and kicking, throwing and screaming if he doesn't get his way.
We are tired and what tops it off is if he stays with grandparents he's as good as gold and sleeps the night through!
Can anyone offer any advise or support or anything at all. We are really struggling and finding ourselves becoming snappy to each other and with him when he misbehaves which is no fun for anyone!
Thank you in advance

I know this is a typical MN response but have you tried cosleeping? Maybe just to get him out of the habit of repeated wakings.

Research says over 70% of children worldwide co-sleep. Most of the remaining 40% are western countries and sleep deprived parents wondering why their child isn't sleeping through. News Flash! Putting your child in a separate room goes against biological norms. Just put him in bed with you and get some sleep. All of mine (age between teenage and 6 slept in the famil my bed until they chose otherwise. This was between 4-6.

Maybe there is something scaring him in his room - a shadow/sound from the boiler? Does he have a nightlight? I think my son had a dream catcher around that time to take away scary thoughts.

Would he buy into say a marble in a jar for every night he manages to sleep through and when he gets 10 you take him for a treat?

He won't sleep in bed with us. He doesn't like it. He will if we go into his room but not in with us which is a pain in the arse.
He likes his own bed and sleeping alone in it just wants someone in the room with him

It's not night terrors is it? My 3 year old gets them sometimes- we was having them a couple of times a night at one point!

Put a mattress on the floor and just go in and sleep in his room?

Apologise in advance to your neighbours and follow the Supernanny method of keeping a small child in his own bed and asleep.

There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth, but this is not sustainable.

The reason he sleeps at the grandparents' house is most likely that they have never got up for him.

Sleep training - the fact he can do it at grandparents is evidence he has bad sleep habits with you - not your fault by the way, the crying is hard to resist.

Tell your neighbours and get the wine in.

@RiverSkater unfortunately our neighbours are lovely but she is heavily pregnant and due any day and I can't bring myself to disturb them before they too have this challenge!

He has been a grumpy arse today and really testing our limits so we will see what fun tonight brings. We have put a blow up mattress on the landing so he can see us and reach out to us but reinforces his room.

How anyone ever has another one is beyond me when he's this difficult 😂

DS is 6 and sleeps in an adjoining room (sliding doors between which we leave open at night so in effect it becomes one big room). Until he was 6 he coslept as otherwise he was as you describe. I hate sleeping alone so it is hardly suprising a small child may hate it too. In your shoes I would try and fit a small single into your room and you all just share.