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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be allowed to communicate?

23 replies

Justalittlerant5 · 02/08/2022 20:40

Have posted in relationships before but feel like I’m going crazy and looking for some other views.

Divorcing but in the same house for now. STBX has told me I should not try to communicate with him in front of the DC (3 and 5). He acts like I don’t exist if I am in the same room.

It is difficult to avoid being in the same room completely although I am trying to divide up the time with DC as much as possible.

Obviously there is a lot of history. I have had support from Women’s Aid and think he has been emotionally abusive. No doubt he would say he needs me to not communicate because I’m angry/a bully/abusive etc, but those allegations are unfounded (I have recently come to realise after a long time thinking it was me…) I’ve asked him what he needs for us to be able to communicate better but he didn’t want to discuss it.

When the DC aren’t around he will sometimes answer short practical questions but often just ignores me.

So AIBU to think stopping me communicating with him completely in front of the DC isn’t reasonable? Surely it can’t be good for them?

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 02/08/2022 20:42

It's a way for him to exert control. I hope you're not cooking meals for him and doing his laundry.

Ponoka7 · 02/08/2022 20:59

Have you discussed it with your solicitor? Is there going to be a fight for contact etc? What's the situation re moving out?

Original poster
Justalittlerant5 · 02/08/2022 21:03

Haven’t yet discussed this with my solicitor but hoping to speak to her tomorrow. We have started financial proceedings and are trying to reach an agreement about the children, but realistically that’s all going to take the best part of the year if not longer.

I would like to leave but have been advised to stay in the home because I can’t just take the children. Basically it seems like his treatment of me isn’t bad enough…

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 03/08/2022 02:01

Make sure that you have examples to give the solicitor, so you can show that you had a valid reason to speak to him. It could be seen as control and emotional abuse. He certainly isn't putting the children's needs first and that needs officially noting.

Turnthatoff · 03/08/2022 05:11

its horrendous to ask you to behave like that in front of the children. The sooner you end the situation, the better. Though I’m not sure what you could do practically, to speed things up.

justfiveminutes · 03/08/2022 05:44

What does he say when you tell him it is emotionally damaging for the children to witness this level of daily tension between you? They deserve a happy home or at least two parents who can pretend for their benefit.

If he can't bear to even be civil, he should move out. Could the family finances support a rental for him, if he could be persuaded to go?

Obviously, I've assumed that there is no truth to his allegations that you yourself are abusive and a bully. His current actions do not show him in a good light.

Original poster
Justalittlerant5 · 03/08/2022 06:22

He won’t move out, so that’s not an option.

He has said that he doesn’t want to put on fake smiles, but now won’t discuss the situation at all. I’m not asking for fake smiles though, just a bit of communication in front of the children, e.g, being able to ask if he’s seen their shoes or how a poorly child has been, or how they did at the swimming lesson he took them to.

He wants all communication by text, which I can do, but he doesn’t always have his phone with him, so that doesn’t deal with any urgent matters and it also does address my concerns about the DC seeing us ignore each other (at least before I would say things like “Oh Hi, DC did really well at swimming” even if he didn’t reply”.

And I’m so tired of living in a house feeling like I don’t exist.

Will speak to my solicitor today.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 03/08/2022 08:27

I think it's impossible for us to say. If your communication often escalated to arguments and you are at the point you are incapable of communicating together in a calm way, then I would say that absolute shut down, while not good for the children, is better than that.

Having it as a rule can potentially reduce tension because you are not both constantly afraid of escalations and explosions. If he's not constantly showing his disapproval with passive aggressive looks/sighing etc... then it sounds like he is simply trying to neutralise a toxic situation?

Original poster
Justalittlerant5 · 03/08/2022 08:54

It doesn’t escalate to arguments though. I know he would say that but it’s just not true. I know noone will believe me but I am perfectly capable of being amicable. I have asked what he needs for their to be better communication between us but he wouldn’t answer.

For the last few months I’ve been saying little things like when we got home “the kids did really well at swimming today” but now I’m to stop that.

I don’t feel better for being ignored. He won’t even look at me. I feel like I don’t exist. I feel sad and worthless.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 05/08/2022 05:59

That sounds really distressing OP, and I do believe you. Questioning when you don't have full information is different from not believing you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Flowers

EmilesDetective · 05/08/2022 07:37

BraveGoldie · 05/08/2022 05:59

That sounds really distressing OP, and I do believe you. Questioning when you don't have full information is different from not believing you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Flowers

Thank you for this. I really appreciate it. Reading back my previous reply was too defensive. I’m just scared no one will believe me.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/08/2022 07:49

He sounds like a controlling arsehole. Asking you to send text messages in your own home. Fuck off with that. As for faking smiles, well yes we all have to do this at times. It’s called being an adult.

Mor sure what the practical solution is OP but having been through a similarly nightmarish situation when my marriage ended you have my profound sympathy.

Just continue to be as civil as possible and be the bigger person. It will pass.

Endlesslypatient82 · 05/08/2022 07:51

Well of course you’re not being unreasonable op

but hes hardly going to ch age his mind on the basis of a mumsnet that thread

added to which, I would hazard a guess that this is a very acrimonious split. So perhaps limiting communicating massively is actually a good idea

Endlesslypatient82 · 05/08/2022 07:53

Is it his decision to divorce?

Endlesslypatient82 · 05/08/2022 07:54

EmilesDetective · 05/08/2022 07:37

Thank you for this. I really appreciate it. Reading back my previous reply was too defensive. I’m just scared no one will believe me.

Show quote history

Name change?

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/08/2022 07:56

As someone else said I hope you are not cooking for him,doing his laundry or anything else. If he's refusing to communicate what is he going to be like when you eventually live in different houses?

Icedlatteplease · 05/08/2022 09:07

I'm going to go against the grain here.

Communication is a two way street anyone is allowed to stop communication they feel uncomfortable with if it doesn't interfere with them carrying out their responsibilities.

There is communication that is necessary to fulfil your responsibilities to your kids and communication that isnt. Necessary communication is things like "This is DC medication" " are you picking up DC or am I".Neither of your examples are necessary
for either of you to be a parent

Communication that isnt entirely necessary for parenting your children doesnt have the right to happen if it makes one person uncomfortable. so no imo you shouldnt have a right to engage in that type of conversation if it makes the other person uncomfortable and they have asked you not to. I'd worry the type of communication you are giving examples off is easily weaponized, in a kind of look at me arent I being the perfect family/parent kind of way. At the moment what you guys need is space, you cant do it with your living arrangements yet, but you can do it in a respectful way with your communication.

It may be hard but I think you may need to ruthlessly thin out your communication for the time being.

You may find the rest comes back in time when the acrimony of living together as seperate people and divorce is over.

LuaDipa · 05/08/2022 09:41

You’re not being unreasonable but you need to let it go. He knows it’s winding you up and he’ll be loving that. You can’t force him to be reasonable and he’ll you tripping over yourself for his attention. Just stop now.

The best thing you can do is say (by text as agreed) that you don’t want to make him
uncomfortable so you will only text going forward. Then ensure you only text him when absolutely necessary, no small talk. He can only make you feel sad and worthless is you let him. Take back some control here.

LuaDipa · 05/08/2022 09:42

*he’ll be loving you tripping over yourself for his attention.

EmilesDetective · 05/08/2022 13:12

No it was mine. Although I felt I had no option because he was ignoring me for weeks at a time, then saying it was all my fault…

10HailMarys · 05/08/2022 13:21

I don’t feel better for being ignored. He won’t even look at me. I feel like I don’t exist. I feel sad and worthless.

I can completely understand that, but in this situation I think this isn't even about your feelings (awful though it is for you) but about the kids. It must, surely, be weird for them if Mummy says 'They did really well at swimming' and Daddy just acts as if he hasn't heard her. He doesn't have to 'put on fake smiles' to say 'Ah, that's good - DCs, why don't you come and tell me all about it?'. If you say 'Have you seen DC's reading book anywhere?' it's not exactly a strain for him to say 'I think it was on his bedside table last time I saw it' or 'No, sorry - DC, when did you have it last?' or whatever. He's being horrible, ill-mannered and obstructive and it's unforgivable in front of his kids.

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/08/2022 13:33

My ex did this.. it is part of the control.. My advise.. Don't let him know it bothers you. Carry on as normal as though he isn't in the room. If he knows it bothers you he will continue.

It us very hard though

Brigante9 · 05/08/2022 13:58

He sounds like a complete wanker. I don’t see that as a sustainable way of existing. Do you have anywhere to go?

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