to tell the kids?

[JoyceMeadowcroft]

Background: Exh - kids' father - is classic useless father. Left at 1 year old (caught him playing away, again, and was tired of being the doormat. Couldn't stick to privately agreed visitation and maintenance, so went via CMS. Who are useless. Cue years of non-payments, months when no contact made, huge arrears, feckless behaviour when they stayed with him etc etc. He has moved house, blocked me on everything (as has on-off fiancee), and now CMS tell me that he isn't working (his FB profile viewed via others suggests otherwise!) and that no income (self employed) reported to HMRC. They were in process of allegedly doing big things like removing driving licence, but have now said that because he has moved and they have no address, and he isn't on council tax/utilities anywhere, that they are essentially closing the case. That I'm to tell them if I hear anything. Hopeless. Exh has form for alcohol misuse, DV, etc. A real winner all round. He saw the kids Christmas 2020. Hasn't seen or spoken to or even texted them since. Ignored Christmas, birthdays, move to secondary school, the works. Has kept same phone though - which is the point.

Well, now to the issue. Kids are now (just - 13) old enough to access Whatsapp. And one of them went looking and found him as phone hasn't altered. Lots of "how wonderful to hear from you, love you, miss you". She, bless her, showed me.

I am fucking furious. How dare the arsehole ignore her for 2 years (he had her number, my number, address, landline, email address) and then come the "i miss you"??!! He owes her (sort of via me as I paid for eveything) over 8K in arrears, and two years of her life. I know that whether she has a relationship with him is her choice (sibling has already said not sure they can be bothered as he clearly isn't).

I will not foster a relationship (ie do the leg work/mental load) but will not hamper either. However, I do think I need to set her up with some important self esteem lessons - ie setting boundaries in relationships, and expectations, which is relevant to relationship with bf or with her father.

AIBU in explaining to her both the contact and maintenance issues as being relevant to level of his interest/care towards her, or do I leave that out?

Leave the money out of it. Honestly. You're right to be fuming, and you're right that she's been cheated out of it, but there is a HUGE risk that all she'll hear is "I've cost my mum a fortune" and that's the last thing you want.

Don't mention the money. No child should have to feel like a financial burden and that will likely be how she interprets it, however sensitively the message is delivered. But I do think its important to manage her expectations about what a relationship with her Dad might look like. She needs to know that in the past he has been unreliable and inconsistent, and this is entirely his issue and not her fault.

Just say that he's not put any effort into being a Father, including birthdays, Christmas, phone calls, visits or any contact, so she needs to be aware that this 'interest' may only last as long as SHE initiates contact.

She needs to be reassured that this is because of HIS issues, and that she is 100% amazing and wonderful, and that if she decides to stop contact, at any time and for any reason, it's 100% fine.

Ensure she feels sure of her facts re the lack of contact i.e that he knew how to reach her, and that you did nothing to stop or block contact in any way too. (Because he WILL try to lay the 'blame' at your feet at some point) So have an age appropriate discussion around the facts, so she won't be lied to or manipulated by him.

After that, just let her find out for herself what a useless person he is. It will be painful, but not as painful as her being lied to and manipulated by him into believing a cock & bull 'version' where he was stopped seeing his beloved children by you.

I wouldn't mention the money.

But I would tell her that she needs to be careful.