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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to not allow DS to go out to play if DD isn't invited

33 replies

Twiglett · 19/01/2008 14:59

OK

we have loads of playdates round here, seriously loads .. and invariably the entire family comes

Sometimes it works after school that only the elder ones come for the first 90 mins but then the younger ones come for dinner

Same happens at other people's houses .. they collect ds from school and then we join them around 5ish

that's just the way it works

BUT

if people invite DS (7)out of the house (ie not collected from school) .. DD (nearly 4) will kick off badly because she wants to play too

DS and DD get on very well .. DS wants DD to go too and wants me to ask if she can

But I can't can I? If they wanted DD too they'd ask wouldn't they? And it just seems so unfair on both of them. Maybe I should just say no he can't go

(we're about 30 mins into a tantrum atm so might not have written that to make sense)

OP posts:
Dynamicnanny · 19/01/2008 15:02

I am sorry but your being unreasonable - play dates are for the children and maybe they just want to play wit h your son - not your daughter - she is going to have to learn that sometimes she won't be invited and thats ok - as when she is a bit bigger Ds won't be asked to go out to play with her and her friends.

macdoodle · 19/01/2008 15:05

4 is a hard age they need far more supervision than a 7 year old....am happy for my 6 year old to go to neighbour to play and likewise...as we speak to 6 year olds playing happily and quietly upstairs....
But some neighbours have 4-5 year olds and I am not happy to have them over as they need far more supervision than 2 six year olds ...so sorry YABU....

foxinsocks · 19/01/2008 15:05

yup agree with Dynamic.

dd has to learn that sometimes ds goes off and plays with his mates (and vice versa).

I quite like it when someone has one of my children and not the other. I hardly ever get time with them individually iyswim.

Tamum · 19/01/2008 15:05

I guess I can't answer as it sounds as though the customs are different where you are. I've never come across this at all with school friends and would not always be that keen on having little siblings to be honest unless I was certain they would all play together. They've got to be able to go to friends' houses on their own at some point, haven't they, and I would just find something nice for dd to do. Your ds sounds very nice to want to take her, but he's presumably not heartbroken all the time he's away

Radge · 19/01/2008 15:09

YABU.

I think you should allow them to have their own friends. If I were your ds I would feel pretty peeved at being expected to entertain a four year old girl all the time too.

brimfull · 19/01/2008 15:10

yabu -they haven't invited dd,unfortunately something she'll have to get used to.
Sounds like she's lucky to have been allowed to play with her big brother and his friends so far.
Ime 7 yr old boys don't really want a 4 yr old playing with them all the time.

Ineedacleaner · 19/01/2008 15:11

Sorry YABU. If it is a friend calling for DS and dd not invited I think that is fair enough and at 4 although it is a hard age believe me I know I have had 4 yr old dd whinging for the past hour, she should be old enough to give that explanantion to.

In a couple of years when her friends are calling for her she won't give her brother a second thought. Yes her and your ds get on great but other 7 year old boys might not get on so great with a 4 year old and it is not fair to expect them to let her tag along too and it is not fair to not allow ds to go and play just because his siter can't.

I am not one for "learning a lesson" but I do think that in this instance it will do her no harm to realise that just because her brother has an invite that she will automatically have one as well because the same will probably happen in reverse when she is a bit older.

Radge · 19/01/2008 15:13

Abyway, playdates are about forging links in the community independently away from the family unit. They're good practise for later life.

cat64 · 19/01/2008 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beeper · 19/01/2008 15:21

YABU - you should use the oppertunity to have some time with your DD.

Also DD will become brat that always get what she wants if left to rule about outings.

Fossil · 19/01/2008 15:25

Your ds sounds lovely, unlike my 3 years older sister who would make my life miserable when I had to tag along with her and her friends - running off too fast for me to keep up, going to play where they knew I wasn't allowed, and once tipping me out of my puschair into the nettles....

We get on really well now though.

mumeeee · 19/01/2008 15:26

YABU. Your 7 yrar old needs his ownfriends and should be expected to have his little sister with him. Your DD will just have to learn that she can't a;ways gp with him.

Shitemum · 19/01/2008 15:28

maybe you'll just have to hype the times your DS is out on a playdate as times when you and DD can do something really special together by yourselves?

Radge · 19/01/2008 15:29

It's looking pretty resounding eh twig?
(I'm Spider btw in case you wondered. )

Thomcat · 19/01/2008 15:29

I'd never expect any parent to invite both my DC on a playdate. If the older child that invites DD1 over has a young sibling close to DD2's age then they may say to bring her but I never expect them to.

Original poster
Twiglett · 19/01/2008 15:31

I know I'm being unreasonable really

I just would prefer someone to take her (cos I spend lots of time with her one on one) and let me keep him

OP posts:
Original poster
Twiglett · 19/01/2008 15:31

Thomcat ... ... where ya been?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twiglett · 19/01/2008 15:32

and here starts tantrum mark 3

little sod just deliberately tore the Guardian Greek Gods poster after being asked not to

arrrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I want my boy back ... so he can occupy her

OP posts:
Original poster
Twiglett · 19/01/2008 15:33

ROFL at use the opportunity to spend time with DD

ummmmmmmm NO THANKS

OP posts:
Thomcat · 19/01/2008 15:35

I'll have her

exbatt · 19/01/2008 15:36

Can't believe you're even asking the question. The child who is invited goes (as long as it's convenient for you of course), the other child doesn't. Simple And if would be truly awful if one child wasn't allowed to go simply because a sibling was making a fuss about it.

Just downplay the whole situation. It's just one of the many things a 3 year old doesn't accept easily. Her turn will come.

foxinsocks · 19/01/2008 15:37

yes, I must admit, I was delighted when people started to take ds (the younger one) so I could have time with dd . He still has far less play dates than his sister though grrr.

Kimi · 19/01/2008 15:42

Twig, I love your posts and have a lot of respect for you but YABU.

Your childern are not one person and need to have their own frieds.
I think if you restrict your DS over your DD you will have a lot more to deal with when he hates her.
My mum had to drag my aunt who was 5 years younger with her every where she went and she still resents it to this day.

Original poster
Twiglett · 19/01/2008 15:44

I WAS JUST MOUTHING OFF

I KNEW I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE

but so is my 3 year old .. shrieking like a harpy

OP posts:
Kimi · 19/01/2008 15:53

I saw a mother today with her little one laying on the floor screaming, kicking and giving her hell. She just stood (really calmly ) and waited for him to stop then they walked off as if nothing happened you could see all the people with children thinking well done, and all the childless people thinking something else.

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