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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Let's arrange something"

19 replies

Bengallady · 02/08/2022 10:17

Background - had a bit of a failed attempt at a relationship years and years ago, he's since had quite a few girlfriends and one engagement which was since called off (I don't know if they're still together but don't want to ask as it's none of my business really and seems prying).

I've since had one failed, 7 year relationship.

Other background - I've always been a bit weird and unable to read people and situations; my children are all neurodiverse and I feel like I might be in some way, too.

Me and this guy have been in touch over text message and WhatsApp since our 'thing' years ago, when we meet we get on well but our dynamic was all through my relationship, he was a little bit sarcastic about my then-partner and telling me I should leave him (the relationship wasn't great).

We last met in person almost a year ago and about 2 weeks ago we arranged to meet for a coffee but he cancelled last minute saying one of his parents had just phoned asking him to give them a lift to a hospital appontment but told me to go home and he'd meet me nearer home "I should only be a couple of hours at most". That was at 10am, 2pm arrived and I text him saying I assumed he'd been too busy and he apologised saying he'd just got back. So obviously we never did end up meeting.

He's a notorious flake; not just with me, his Facebook is full of people saying things like "got those cables waiting for you to pick up" and him replying that he will when he gets time - so he's either a massive liar or genuinely rushed off his feet.

We chatted a bit last night after he returned a text I'd sent a few days ago. He had asked if i was okay (long story butI have a few things going on at the moment) and I said it'd be easier to explain in person rather than text.
He then said "let's arrange something then. We should really xx". I joked that as long ad he turns up this time and had no reply - which isn't unusual, he usually takes a few days to get back to me.

I never know with phrases like that whether the person actually wants to meet but (as it could be with this guy) they're just too busy to commit to a day and time or just not interested and being polite.

And especially with this guy - he's flakey, says he's crazy busy but he did cancel our last meeting and I don't fancy that happening again.

Should I suggest a day or just get him to come up with a day he's free?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2022 10:27

Let’s arrange something is not an arrangement

He sounds flaky op; stop wasting your time

Original poster

Bengallady · 02/08/2022 10:33

Actually his exact words were "we'll organise something then. Need to really".

Same thing probably but I just wasn't sure whether to follow through and arrange something or if he was just being his usual flakey self.

OP posts:

LittleBirdBlu · 02/08/2022 10:37

No don't follow up, he is way too flaky! You need to put him firmly in your past and move forward in your life.

chilledbubble · 02/08/2022 10:41

Should I suggest a day or just get him to come up with a day he's free?

I'd do neither and just let it go.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/08/2022 10:49

Why are you focused on analysing the "let's arrange something" figure of speech & ignoring the massive elephant in the room?

He's a notorious flake;

You seem to be looking for a way to pursue a relationship with Mr Flakey - as if, if you can get him to commit to an arrangement, he'll suddenly get over his flakiness. SPOILER - he won't.
You will constantly be on tenterhooks waiting for the next time he lets you down, you will feel undermined, undervalued, & underwhelmed. I cannot understand why you are wasting your energy on a man whose word you cannot trust & who is never going to make you feel valued.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/08/2022 10:51

Should I suggest a day or just get him to come up with a day he's free?

No. Do neither.

What you should do is realise that nobody is happy dating a flake, & give up any notion of romance with this disrespectful man.

Darlissima · 02/08/2022 10:53

“Let’s arrange something” is what I say when I don’t really want to see someone. When I do want to see someone, I just get on and arrange it.

RiverSkater · 02/08/2022 11:12

What do you want from him?

Whatever it is, you probably won't get it.

Meraas · 02/08/2022 11:39

You know the answer, OP. He is a waste of time. He could be perfectly nice. But he is a waste of time, full of intentions but he will never come through.

Original poster

Bengallady · 02/08/2022 11:44

Meraas · 02/08/2022 11:39

You know the answer, OP. He is a waste of time. He could be perfectly nice. But he is a waste of time, full of intentions but he will never come through.

I think this is the problem. I do know that he's a waste of time but I really don't understand people who keep saying 'let's meet up' but never do it.

I don't even know what I want from him so I don't know why I bother, really.

I care about him but I'm not physically attracted to him so I don't think I'm trying to pursue anything more than friendship - if he wanted to be friends though I guess he would make the effort.

OP posts:

spirit20 · 02/08/2022 11:44

I don't want to sound harsh, but to me it doesn't sound like he actually wants to arrange something with you. Saying 'we'll arrange something' but not actually talking about specific dates is generally what people do when they don't actually plan on going through with it. If you are the person who sends the first suggestion of a meet-up, and he isn't actually interested in it, this might be his way of trying to avoid to bluntly say he isn't interested (strange, I know, as it'd be a lot kinder to just say outright that he isn't interested...).

Also, just a thought, from the above, there don't really seem to be any signs that he might be interested in a relationship with you now, unless there's more than you're not saying. I think it might be best to move on, I am sure you will find someone else!

Original poster

Bengallady · 02/08/2022 11:54

All true and not harsh at all :)

I just find it hard to cut people out. Without a reason anyway.

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 02/08/2022 11:57

You haven't asked if he's still in a relationship because you don't want to pry?!

adorablecat · 02/08/2022 12:20

Should I suggest a day or just get him to come up with a day he's free?

I'd say neither. If he were really interested in you he would be making a lot more effort.

FinallyHere · 02/08/2022 12:44

"we'll organise something then. Need to really".

But he didn't, arrange anything g, that is. Did he.

A general rule in life is 'don't make arrangements with people who flake out of arrangements.' even 'don't do things that rely on arrangements with people who flake out on arrangements.'

Don't give it any more headspace. Enjoy the crack when they are around, don't give them a seconds thought when they are not around.

Save your stuff which it would be easier to explain in person for someone who cares enough to make and arrangement and then stick to it.

Simple to say. Not so easy to do, I know but it really is good advice.

FinallyHere · 02/08/2022 12:47

I just find it hard to cut people out. Without a reason anyway.

Don't think of it as cutting him out.

You really are not

You just enjoy his company when he is around but absolutely are not available for making plans. No need to sound mean about it, just agree we really must ... and then, like him, do nothing to make it happen.

That's really not cutting him out.

That's preserving your own feelings from getting hurt by unfulfilled expectation.

Frogium · 02/08/2022 13:05

I really don't understand people who keep saying 'let's meet up' but never do it

Because they don't really want to meet up, however they feel bad to not say anything when they know you want to meet up and possibly more. He might just want you as an acquaintance and nothing more.

Why don't you just leave it. Clearly you want more, and he doesn't, so why torture yourself.

Original poster

Bengallady · 02/08/2022 14:46

True.

Prior to posting this thread I had asked if just a phonecall would be easier than meeting up and he replied just now asking whether Thursday "might be good".

I couldn't bring myself to ignore so I just said I could do Thurs and for him to let me know.

I'm sure I won't hear from him again so will try this time not to follow up and just leave him be.

Thanks all :)

OP posts:

Mary46 · 02/08/2022 20:16

Too flaky my friend was at that I let her go. Vague lets meet. Just non comittal. He sounds same

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