AIBU to be not sure about my daughter wanting to him the army

[EilidhEli]

Hi

I’ve put this is AIBU but there is probably a better section. My eldest daughter is 17 and in her final year at school (not UK based anymore but she is UK born with a British parent). Apparently she is not eligible to join up here in Ireland because she doesn’t meet a language requirement but even if she was she still wants to join the British forces. I am not from the UK and DH knows little to nothing about the army over there.

She is very sporty. She is bright and academic but she has dyslexia so she is looking at alternative career options other than university/college courses. I think she does have a personality that would suit the military. She is very disciplined, likes structure, works very well in teams, take direction well etc

Can any former soldiers let me know what life is like for a woman in the army? What is the training like? How long does it go on for? What are the best types of job to go into in the army for the longer term? Where are the best sources of information for her to get the best insight about what she is committing too? I don’t really want to be putting her off, it might be a great fit for her but I do want her making an informed decision.

Because it is AIBU, AIBU to not be over the moon about her wanting to join up?

My daughter joined the British army at 16. And she left in her late 20’s to start a family.
She was unsure what she actually wanted to train as. She also regretted not learning to drive whilst in the army, that was something she did after she left and realised how expensive it was too late.
but the army was wonderful for her. It taught her discipline, time keeping etc and she’s so meticulously organised now and very tidy.
so my advice would be tell her to get a useful career, nursing, dentist, mechanic etc as it’s a great start to life outside if she doesn’t stay. If she does, she can have a terrific career with a decent pension too.
I felt so afraid for my little girl when she joined the army, but she blossomed there.

as for the comment by NelStevHan - utter tosh.
The reason i went in the army over the other 2 services was because of the job i wanted to do wasn't available to women in either of those back then. We had people of lower ranks (even a private) with degrees, whereas our Lieutenants were basically useful for filing and making tea until we'd trained them up in other things. 12 years from Private to Major in our job wasn't uncommon - and the officers who had gone up from the ranks were always the best ones and very highly regarded.

When i left as a Sgt i was contacted by a recruiting agency who had by coincidence contacted one of my Lieutenants at the same time. I had loads of really good job offers, she could get admin roles due to "not having a trade". I also had a good degree by then too.

The modern army is a very different thing from the "cannon fodder" days. Everyone has to be able to think on their feet, but also work as a team. It's not for everyone but it suits many people and it has been the making of many more.

She should look at all of the services and see which specialist roles appeal, and that she would qualify for. There are loads of interesting specialisms that transfer well into civilian life.

I know a young woman who joined the army as a trainee paramedic and absolutely loves it.

Total BS.

I haven’t checked the Irish thing myself, it is coming from her own research but it doesn’t really matter because I think from what she says, she sees there being much more progression and advancement in the British armed forces than here and I’d imagine that is true based on scale alone.

I don’t hear it as much but apparently she also has a pronounced English accent as per your point about foreigners joining an army. I’d say she will swing back to being fully English once she is over there a very short while.

She is really looking for training and education opportunities outside of traditional education environments which don’t suit her that well along with decent career prospects so in that regard she has her head screwed on.

The Irish Army is small and doesn't have much of a navy or airforce. Their FAQ doesn't say Irish is required, so it would be worth talking to them direct if she really wanted to join. Your DD would gwt more career opportunities in the UK service's though.
www.military.ie/en/careers/faqs/requirements/

I would get her to consider the Navy or the RAF as well

For what's it's worth my mum didn't want me to join the military and it's something I regret even now , I have worked with plenty of people over the years who have joined some for a couple of years some for the whole service and they all say it was the making of them

There are plenty of youtube videos about basic training for different forces that could give you a more accurate representation of what life is like; and documentary/fly on the wall series that follow groups of recruits going through training to join the army or navy from recent years. It's not Apocalypse Now! There are also lots of videos from young people still in the forces, or recently out, vlogging and talking about their experiences.

Basic training is an efficient way to get a gaggle of random civilians to work together as a unit, learn basic life and military skills, and to start to follow the ethos of the force they have joined. It's deliberately hard work, mentally and physically challenging, but they don't even want to fully "break" people these days. It's about pushing them to limits but then showing how you can work together with your teammates to overcome them, and you can achieve more than you thought you could. But also that you trust and will follow the instructions of your superiors.

There are plenty of army jobs where the main point is not just to "close with and kill the enemy". You can be a chef or a plumber or fix cars or become a PT instructor. Look at Kelly Holmes! If she's very athletic, she could work to become a PT instructor, represent the army in spots and then come out of the army with the basis of being a personal instructor or lots of different fitness based careers. Or she could go into logistics, or train as a dental nurse, all sorts of things that aren't 'cannon fodder'.

You can always tell when people with zero experience of the military post. 🙄

DS1 is in the army. All his GCSEs are A*s and As and he has 3 As at A levels. He had a place at, a very good, university but he decided to go in the army instead because that was his dream and he’d have done it after university, anyway, so didn’t want the debt. He’s just got a new recruit come to him who went to St Andrews so they’re not all grunts! 🙄

DH left the RAF last year, after 35yrs. The RAF and Army are completely different. I was shocked by it once I started to experience it with DS1. The regiment DS1 is in is very busy so he’s away a lot. It was a male only regiment, but that’s changed and they’ve got women now too.

DS1 is 27, and has been in the army 8 years now. He earns in excess of £30k. He has had some amazing opportunities due to being in the army. He’s been to America to play sport and work alongside the American army, he’s been skiing umpteen times, sailing in the Mediterranean, cycling round Europe. Then he’s been to many, many countries with work. Every single opportunity that has come his way, he’s seized with both hands.

Within months of him being in he’d come on in leaps and bounds. He’s much more confident and so much happier. Is he happy everyday? No of course he’s not but neither is DS2 who is a nurse. I won’t lie and say I’ve not worried about him, because I have, and I find it much harder when he goes away than I ever did when DH went, but I’m so proud of him and I’m glad I never stood in his way.

‘You can always tell when people with zero experience of the military post. 🙄’

or a different kind of experience - that of growing up in a war and being a civilian at the wrong end of a squaddies gun.

Can she not look at the pathway to go in as an Officer ? My DD is on the DTUS scheme where she is sponsored by the MOD through Uni and will start her Initial Officer Training as an engineer when she has completed her degree. I think the scheme has changed slightly but there will be something similar in place.

If she's sporty it could be great for her. The forces tend to have lots of opportunity to take part in all sorts of sports.

You should read up in some of the stats around veterans and mental health issues OP.
right now your child, and she is still a child. Is seeing lots of glossy PR about adventure, and friends for life, and skills, and travel and has absolutely no idea of the reality of being part of a military machine.
You should also look up the stories and stats around the bullying and sexual abuse of female soldiers, by their peers and commanding officers.
and as for those saying - look at Kelly Holmes. Well she was so damaged by her experience of having to hide her sexuality in the army while fighting for her country she only recently found the strength to come out and be her authentic self.

‘If she's sporty it could be great for her.’
so Loughborough Uni… amongst many others…

@Umbonkers - OP said 'She is bright and academic but she has dyslexia so she is looking at alternative career options other than university/college courses.' So she may not be inclined to do university training schemes, or straight to Sandhurst. I know Prince Harry got in there as a school-leaver with not the best academic grades but he had a few connections!

OP - the army website has a lot of recruitment info on it, which I presume you'll have seen some of, but e.g. they break down all the different roles here: apply.army.mod.uk/roles

I’ve actually said that to her too as one of the things she needs to weigh up and I agree with you she needs to consider these aspects.

I’m going to show her the thread and get her to watch some of the you tube videos suggested because there is lots of great advice on here.

@NelStevHan in fairness when Kelly Holmes was in the army it was actively illegal to be gay and in the army. Which is nonsense and terrible. But that ban was lifted 22 years ago and the army has an LGBT+ network now.

Kelly Holmes was appointed an honorary colonel recently and speaks about being proud of her service and the opportunities the army gave her.

Is the British army a perfect organisation? Hell no. It's problematic that it even exists in my view. But it is there, and can give young people opportunities they may not otherwise have.

One of my best mates was in the Army and she did really well and loved it. I must admit, I was secretly pleased when my DD was turned down for medical reasons though. It was something we could have appealed (long and boring story) but luckily in the interim she lost interest and found another job she liked even more.

@EilidhEli - if you search for something like joining the british army on youtube you get dozens and dozens of videos from people in or recently out, giving their personal views. As well as the produced for the army content and the documentaries and such. Positive and negative views, like trip advisor!

DH is in the Navy and I will very much be trying to steer my children away from the forces as a career choice!!!

But if she's keen, I really would agree with other who have said look at the RAF and Navy. This won't be a popular opinion but DH doesn't have much positive to say about those in the Army. Obviously there are good individuals but the standard for Officers for example is much lower than the RAF and Navy. I also work with a lot of forces families in my job and that would be my experience too.

Also if she's thinking long term, seriously consider which force gives her the kind of life she wants. With the army, they tend to be moved as a pack and families normally have to move with them. The RAF is a bit more mixed. Navy tend to weekend commute if they're in a U.K. job - so the serving partner lives away during the week and comes back at the weekend. This is what we do, I would never move my children every 2 years!

I agree with a trade or a specialism to aim for.

I have a close relative in the RN. Very dyslexic which isn't an issue at all. Travelling the world and getting paid for it.

I'd encourage her to look into it. It's a great career for those who don't want to go to university.

A relative of DH’s is an LCpl. I don’t want to say her regiment because she’s been in a few media articles about women in the army so it could potentially be a bit outing, but she absolutely loves it. She’s quite sporty and did well at school but there’s a lack of employment opportunities in their area so she grabbed the chance. Some of her colleagues were tip toeing around her at first, but she’s not particularly sensitive and told them to just say what they were trying to say, and now she’s one of the lads.

She always used to be very quiet and shy. She’s still quiet but she has an aura of confidence about her which is fantastic to see.

‘Kelly Holmes was appointed an honorary colonel recently and speaks about being proud of her service and the opportunities the army gave her.’

its called Stockholm Syndrome, but she was a LONG time out of the army, and a global sports icon and STILL struggled with the internalised homophobia that her time in the army with. So no, I don’t think she should be held up as the poster girl for the army, if anything she should be a cautionary tale.

Like I said before - if she were my kid I would 1) get her to look at the RAF and Navy over the army.

2. try to get her to wait til she was older. We allow literal children into the U.K. services, which is a disgrace. mid she still wants to do it a 21/22 fine. right now she’s a child with little life experience romanticising wearing a uniform.