Lost all my friends

[Lordylord1]

I’m 42 and just that really

I had quite bad post natal depression and lost 2 long term friends after this. It wasn’t all me but to be fair I could have handled better
made another 2 good friends but they broke down. 1 because her daughter was awful to mine and so was the mum.
bit I feel quite lonely I have 2 really good friends, and see another 2 acquaintences for meals out etc
but I miss having close friends like the ones I have fallen out with. I am learning that perhaps I need to just allow some things rather than getting intensely hurt and blocking them and cutting off for good!

Focus on treating your really good friends well, as close friendship can emerge from good friendship.

is it too late to salvage your close friendships? If you give a sincere apology, eat humble pie and explain about the pmd and how you regret what happened And how you reacted/behaved.

really close friends might forgive and you could, in time, fix things.
worth a shot?

I had a similar experience with depression. Lost 2 close friends for reasons that I think weren't all my fault (very hard to judge though given where my head was, I may have been over sensitive).

I tried to reconnect with both afterwards. One was very cold, the other immediately resumed our friendship and we continue to be close friends to this day (this was many years ago).

Yes I do think you need to stop cutting people dead and blocking them. I'm your age and I can't imagine a scenario were I would block a friend. I bring age into it because I may have done when I was younger. The last time I "fell out" with a friend I was in my early 20s. I didn't really fall out with my friends during my depression (late 20s) as much as just stopped speaking to them.

I do t think they would abs I’m not sure it would be right
friend 1 - was annoyed that if become friends with someone she hated. When I was punched in the face by my ex she laughed and I found out later her and her partner were seeing him in a social context
friend 2 - I know from a few different people sge really slagged me off (although to be fair she did everyone)

They were good friendships at first but then turned sour. Maybe cos of me I don’t know

I think I don’t know how to work through things

Jesus. Some of this behaviour is very immature. I don't know how to respond to the childish stuff as its way out of my frame of reference. Your friend who sided with the violent ex sounds vile.

Perhaps focus on more mature friendships? I just can't imagine one my friends telling me another was bad mouthing me . I don't slag off friends to other friends and vice versa. Seems really odd.

I don’t either that’s why I walked away but I’m doubting myself right now as I feel lonely

In my view no friendships is better than dysfunctional friendships. You could always take part in a class or club to have social interactions without the commitment (or the disappointment of unhappy relationships). Something like Parkrun is a good way to meet lots of different kinds of people. Or volunteer somewhere like a Foodbank to meet a kinder class of person.

Do you work? In my adult life all my closest friendships have been made through work.

I made a new close friend recently.

It's hard, the lonelier and more insecure you feel the harder it is to make healthy relationships. A lot of my confidence comes from knowing I have people in my life who like me for who I am (I'm weird). In other words it's easier to make good friends when you already have good friends (at least in my experience).

I wouldn't doubt yourself at all op, I'd have walked away from so called friends that treated me like that too. If you're missing the friendship element I'd suggest finding ways to meet new people and better friends than the ones you've mentioned

That's a good suggestion. I now work in a field that basically ensures most of my colleagues will have a similar value base to myself. It definitely helps.

Please reframe this. Dropping these women means you’ve been a better friend to yourself than they were to you. I get it hurts. I was dropped by a group of friends as I became too (physically) ill to keep up and my physical disability worsened. I imagine they thought it was mental illness even though I explained it was chronic fatigue. I have so little energy at times I cannot move or speak then once I can move and speak again, I cry with relief.

You either have recovered or are recovering. You have so much going for you. And you’ll meet new friends once you start focusing on the now, not what you once had. If your energy and attention is on these former friends, your back will be turned and you’ll be missing potential future friendships.

What kind of person are you / do you want to be? You might find your tribe through sport, a choir, work, volunteering, church etc

Friendships take time and develop slowly

Hearing about the way they have treated you, they don't sound like the kind of people I would want to be friends with. Do you work? Do you have any hobbies or local groups you could join?

You say you have 2 good friends, cultivate these friendships.

You say you’ve lost all your friends, but then going to say you have two really good friends and two more people to socialise with, so that’s not really “no friends”.

If I were you I’d concentrate on nurturing those four people and concentrate on being a good friend to them. Avoid drama and be content with the people you do have, rather than looking for more. PND is crap and has obviously made you doubt yourself, but trust the friends who have stuck around.

It's really tough when you lose your friendship group. But these people you describe weren't proper friends. It sounds like you deserve way better friends than these ones. I wonder if you could look back and remember that there were a few red flags about these women when you first met. For instance, did they bitch about other women, talk about themselves all the time or let you down?

I go through phases when I feel isolated and lonely. But I am also much more proactive at pursuing friendships with people I like than I used to be. For instance, I'll ask groups if it's okay if I join them for coffee after fitness classes etc. I've made some acquaintances from this that may turn into friends. Another two friends I met through a course I did and another one I met at a yoga class.

There's another woman I met recently that I thought was promising but I noticed some passive aggressive behaviour and I've knocked that on the head recently. I don't need sulky people in my life.

In summary, approach people you like and take a risk. Drop people who aren't healthy for you. It's worth this in the long run as it leaves space for better friends!

42?? Mothers??

what you have described upthread is what I imagine going on in year 10 in a sink school in a rough Glaswegian estate

Friends come and go, true friends hang around when times are tough, “friends” that don’t aren’t friends.

Focus and making new friends OP, I have never tried to rekindle past friendships as the issues that stopped the friendship, will still be there and will resurface given time.

I have felt let down by friends in the past, I realise that’s on me as my expectations have been too high to begin with.

Blimey, OP, I wouldn’t miss “friends” like the ones you fell out with! They sound dreadful, as does your ex. Sounds more like you need to reconsider what you look for in a friend. Someone capable of actively hating others and controlling who their friends can be friends with is not someone who is close friendship material - that’s their whole personality, and only appealing to other people who seek out dysfunctional relationships. Did you enjoy the vindictive bitchiness until it was turned on you?!

I agree with this. They may not be as close as the friends you’ve lost, but you have 4 friends.

Ask yourself this question OP, are they really your friends, if they did this to you?
I don't know how much people want to be true friends anymore tbh, some people just don't care about anyone , I think it's the way society is going today.

This is why I find friendship difficult. My 2 friends are true friends who I feel so comfortable with, they know the real me.
one is a friend of 10 years the other 23 years As a lot of you say I guess this is what I need to be focusing on x

No when I think about it we fell out a lot as she would get jealous of friendships and try and stuff them up for me!
i think looking back actually it was the right thing