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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and sweets

22 replies

cookiesNcrea · 01/08/2022 22:57

I’m getting really annoyed with my MIL regarding giving my kids sweets and chocolates when we we see them. Let me be clear if this was my mum I would feel exactly the same but we don’t see my mum everyday, we see her once a year if that as they live far away.

in the past she would give my daughter a Kit Kat chunky everyday, I spoke to her and she didn’t. But now it’s constantly forcing them to eat sweets , my youngest doesn’t like sweet stuff but she literally makes him eat it! Today she gave my daughter a lollipop plus an opened lollipop which was her younger brothers. I told her we don’t let them have lollipops at all and she said I’m a liar as she’s seen them have lollipops! I said they don’t. Which is one thing I stick by that they never have lollipops.

Then she did her usual crying drama which would in the past make me feel sorry for her. My daughter as we were leaving went to the jar where MIL keeps sweets for her and MIL snatched it off my daughter and said “no darling your mum will get angry”, she then did her fake cry again and then “gave up” and gave my daughter 5 haribo sweets. At this point I was worn down and feeling a mixture of anger and guilt.

I do let my kids have treats but after dinner if theyve eaten all their meals.

OP posts:

MamaH2022 · 01/08/2022 23:00

Tell your DH to have a serious chat with her. She's not respecting your parenting and that would send me into a rage. Tell her point blank (if DH doesn't) that if she continues with the behaviour then you won't be bringing DC around.

Sorry but I wouldn't be disrespected like that let alone in front of DC.

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 01/08/2022 23:00

Why does MIL have a knack for ignoring my wishes then making me feel like the bad guy? Ive told her lots of times they can have treats but after meal times. I can’t get her face out if my head. She had a smirky, angry and fake cry face. I wish I could take a photo and show u guys it’s so hard to explain the type of face she makes!

OP posts:

justasking111 · 01/08/2022 23:01

OH the crocodile tears give me the rage. Chop up fruit put it in a container and give her that to dish out. Tell her the dentist is worried about their teeth. My grandson had such porous baby teeth he's had problems so you're right to put a stop to it

Cakecakecheese · 01/08/2022 23:01

Has your husband had a word?

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 01/08/2022 23:02

@MamaH2022 thank you. DH won’t talk to her and after all these years I’ve stopped asking him. He’s a mummy boys and won’t dare challenge her.

OP posts:

Brigante9 · 01/08/2022 23:02

Get your Dh to speak to her. She clearly thinks that treats=language of love and needs to realise that this is not correct. I don’t agree with the ‘Let grandma give the children sweeties, what harm can it do?’ If you say no, it’s no. Preferably without the fake crying/drama.

LidlCinnamonBun · 01/08/2022 23:02

Is this it?

Brigante9 · 01/08/2022 23:03

Cross post. Just read your post re Dh not wanting to speak to her, so you’re going to have to.

laalaaland · 01/08/2022 23:05

yuck, what's the manipulative fake crying all about?

Maybe try a 'oh, that's lovely, she'll enjoy them later after dinner, thanks so much.' and grab the sweets and put them in your bag/pocket. It's harder for her to play the victim if you're thanking her for her kindness,

Also, talk to your children about it before seeing her, . It must be confusing to witness this behaviour with no explanation. Obviously make it age appropriate but make it clear why you don't want them to eat sweets all the time, but they can choose some after dinner.

MamaH2022 · 01/08/2022 23:05

cookiesNcrea · 01/08/2022 23:02

@MamaH2022 thank you. DH won’t talk to her and after all these years I’ve stopped asking him. He’s a mummy boys and won’t dare challenge her.

Oh ffs! He's really not going to support his wife on this?

Ok then, you have to set boundaries and get her told.

Do not disrespect me especially In front of my children.

When I say no, it means NO!

If you continue this behaviour then they will not be coming over.

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 01/08/2022 23:07

@LidlCinnamonBun lol! No it’s more her eyes go psycho like she’s going to flip a table over. She has anger issues, nothing dangerous but she’s very highly strung. Most people(including her own daughters) just avoid her. I’m the DIL so unfortunately I don’t have the luxury to ignore her as I will get noticed more but she won’t say a bad word about her own daughters. DH is the only boy. So sorry for ranting and going off one one but I literally cannot talk about her to anyone.

OP posts:

FlissyPaps · 01/08/2022 23:09

The lollipops would enrage me! They are such a choking hazard.

Keep firm with her OP. Don’t fall for her crocodile tears. Obviously there is nothing wrong with little treats every now and then but if she is physically forcing your DC to eat these sweets she needs to be told to stop.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 01/08/2022 23:12

I wouldn’t want my children around this fake crying business. Your DH need to talk to her about her about the sweets and her manipulation and let her if it continues she won’t be seeing the children.

FairyBatman · 01/08/2022 23:12

Are you going round every day? If she can’t respect your wishes I’d cut back the visits as a starting point.

Garman · 01/08/2022 23:16

My mil was the same, down to the fake crying and making me the bad guy, my dh wouldn't say anything, so I stopped bringing my dc to see her. Eventually when she realised I meant it she started visiting our house instead, with fruit only. They only go to her house once or twice a year now (down from once or twice a week) and she would give them endless sweets then if I'm not there but dh has finally realised how toxic she is and stops her after probably a couple of small sweets or similar.

theChickenDinner · 01/08/2022 23:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Kite22 · 02/08/2022 00:06

How often are you round there ?

I mean, my starting point is that Grandparents do tend to spoil their dgc and it isn't going to ruin them, on the whole but you then said she gave them a kit kat "every day"........one simple answer would be to limit the times she sees them if she can't respect your parenting.

The main issue is the way she speaks about you in front of the children, the drama and tears. I would be limiting the amount of time my dc spent with people like that, however they were related to me. If they wanted to know why, then I would be happy to say why.

Calphurnia88 · 02/08/2022 13:26

Agree with others about reducing visits, and not just because of the sweets (daily seems a lot, unless she's providing childcare).

I'm sure you've already done this, but can you approach it from a health angle? Maybe tell a little white lie about a 'concerned dentist'? You shouldn't have to do this, but it sounds like you're not dealing with a normal person.

brownbreadicecream · 02/08/2022 13:31

Sorry - a grown adult was CRYING over not being able to give a child sweets? This is not normal. Or 'joking' fake crying? I genuinely can't even picture it!
I wouldn't leave a child with an adult prone to crying over ridiculous shit, she sounds incredibly unstable.

Garman · 02/08/2022 14:35

brownbreadicecream · 02/08/2022 13:31

Probably a total narcissist.

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 02/08/2022 15:29

I’ve been thinking a lot about her today. I really do not like her. It’s not just the sweets it’s just her as a person.

I’ve changed my username and deleted my previous account but I’ve posted about her lots of times. She would walk into my home with spare key and just take DD, she would cry when she didn’t see my DD for a day. She’s a crazy bitch and I hate her. Over the years I’ve made peace with the fact I don’t like her and she’s in our lives but little things get to me. Some might remember I posted a few years ago before 2nd child that she tried to get DH to divorce me, she called my parents for a meeting and just sat there and cried for hours. Anyone looking in would think what actually happened to create this and it was the fact I stood up to her and told her to stop interfering in our lives.

she’s really ingrained in our lives and I can’t do anything about it. They’re Indians and DH is the only son. I really cannot wait till she drops dead I really hate how she has made herself the centre of our lives. She’s mentally unstable so anytime I try to stand up to her she goes crazy.

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 02/08/2022 15:39

I'm sorry but you really have to step up now! No more visits until she agrees to behave herself. She's a fucking bully who is relying on your good nature. If you do decide to visit her again as soon as she gets out the sweets take your children home. You have to be strong otherwise she's going to ruin your and your children's lives.

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