Cannot stop arguing with daughters dad

[ruvyallan]

I know I am being unreasonable but am posting for traffic. I can't stop arguing with my daughters dad. She is almost 9 and me and her dad split up when she was around 1. We can't stand each other.

I think he is lazy, rude, selfish, and gaslights all the time. He thinks I'm controlling, nasty, and a liar.

It's like we can't help ourselves. Even when he phones to FaceTime her we both keep making snipes at each other in the background and sometimes the whole conversation is derailed and we end up screaming each other.

Daughter is almost 9 and I can see this is effecting her, she has communicated that she feels stuck in the middle and she feels horrible seeing both her parents upset and feels pressure to take sides.

It can't go on, it's really not fair and I would say this is definitely the only part of parenting that I feel I am genuinely failing at. I put my daughter first every day but it just feels impossible to think rationally when it comes to him.

I just want to give some examples - for instance he pays me the bare minimum claiming he is skint yet he spent £500 on a drum set for our daughter. I am genuinely struggling to make ends meet and he is spending that. Then on the phone today he was moaning to our daughter that he has no money as he's just spent it all on a new bike. And I just couldn't help myself so I said, 'it must be nice being able to spend that sort of money when I'm barely making ends meet' and then it just went off from there.

But I need to learn to bite my tongue. I really see what it's doing to our daughter but some of the things he says really really enrages me. I've never disliked someone this much in my full life. I really haven't and I'm a chilled out, laid back, calm person. Something about him just triggers me and he knows that and will say things to purposely wind me up and will smirk with me then he will bring our daughter into the conversation and they will both laugh at me.

I know I'm being terrible but does anyone have any tips on how to stop this?

Leave the room when he's FaceTiming. Count to ten before responding. Look at what it's doing to DD

I guess ,the woosar method in bad boys films, that captain Howard used. ?

I agree. Leave the room. This will really damage your DD if it continues. It's really not fair on her but I think you know that already

What if you phrase the comments as questions rather than snide comments so to speak, or would.that still result in an argument ?

Why can't your dd facetime on her own? Mine did from 6 years.

Walk away when they're speaking to each other.

You are both obviously never going to get on so stop engaging with him unless it's absolutely necessary.

Please stop this in front of your daughter.
Walk away and only speak to him behind her back... else you'll lose her one day.

Well for a start, just leave the bloody room!!!!
Its not OK to say this is the only thing you’re not parenting well on, when this is massive, proper fuck your kid up territory.

If he only “claims” to be skint - then have you a CMS claim in? Yes, they’re useless - but for PAYE people, not as useless.

You have to let go of the fact he has more money than you. It’s been 8 years! You need to earn your own money and accept that you have a difference. Most of us divorced parents have different household incomes from each other.

It doesn't really matter what he's done in the past or what he's doing now. That's private talk between you two. Your daughter doesn't need to know any of it.
Get her on FT and leave the room. Tell her to let you know when it's finished. If you really can't control yourself, have no contact with him whilst she's present.