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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask for au pair advice

4 replies

WarmWinterSun · 01/08/2022 12:13

I'm looking for some advice regarding safety issues and our au pair. She is only just 19 years only (turned 19 last week) and is staying with us from Canada. As far as I can tell, she is from a small town and does not have much experience with drinking or partying (unlike a lot of young adults in the UK). She has now discovered the fun of going out and has started to go out on her own on Friday or Saturday nights, returning to the house usually between 4 or 5 am. As far as I can tell, she goes out by herself and then just finds a group to hang out with. Then she walks back alone (we are only a 30 minute walk from local bars / clubs). We live in a smallish town in the south of England. It is mostly safe but we have all the usual weirdos around at night that you would find in any small city. She walks mostly on a busy road but there are a few quiet / darker areas on the walk. She also has started booking her travel for strange times, for example, catching a train late at night, where multiple train exchanges are required between 11 am - 3am. Additionally, I understand she is going on 'dates' and catching lifts from her dates for various places. She has told me she isn't interested in these dates romantically but it is convenient for transport. All of this is done in her personal time.

I have talked to the au pair and put in place some 'ground rules', such as not going out late at night by herself, and I have explained that it is important for her to look after her safety. However, I think she is paying me lip service. I also feel that I am intruding on her privacy a little, as these are all her personal choices and she is technically an adult. Yet I can't help but worry.

She is otherwise very good as an au pair, and my son really likes her, but I am thinking about letting her go. I've had multiple au pairs in the past, all European, and none of them have taken personal risks like this before.

Wise mumsnetters who have experience with au pairs, I would be grateful for your words of wisdom. Am I being paranoid and nosy? Am I wrong to put in place 'ground rules' about her safety? Or I am right to raise this and take an interest in whether she is putting herself at risk when 'off duty'.

~Thank you

OP posts:
Headbandheart · 01/08/2022 12:21

Hmm hard one. Would you be saying same thing to make au pair? We had male au pairs over 5 year stretch and I wouldn’t have dreamed of laying down any rules. But I would have taken them to one side and said getting lift with randoms was a risky thing in this country. I’d have also said that whilst getting in at 3/4am was ok at weekend providing they tiptoed ( and that’d have taken the dictionary being got out🤣) it would be ok on “school” nights as they’d not be alert enough to get kids sorted safely (they used to walk kids to and from school).
pits a fine line. I don’t think you can lay down law. I don’t think you should sack her for it as I don’t think you can dictate and seems very extreme and unfair. Just talk with her about how much it concerns you and why. Explain it is different in uk maybe if you can back it with statistics.
is she close to her parents? Do you have their contact detials? Could you get in touch with them and talk to them and explain. Say you are so concerned. Ask them if they would be concerned therefore and whether they would want to talk with their daughter.
At the end of the day she is an adult and has capacity to make her own decisions and screw ups. That’s how folks learn.

Headbandheart · 01/08/2022 12:21

Male not make

Rowen32 · 01/08/2022 12:27

I don't think you can make this about sex as the pp said - women are notoriously more in danger so that's not even an argument worth following.

WarmWinterSun · 01/08/2022 13:39

Thank you @Headbandheart. I do have her mum's contact details and have been considering contacting her mum. I think I'll talk to the au pair again first before contacting her mum as it feels quite extreme and perhaps is overstepping boundary. Maybe the au pair just doesn't realise that safety could be an issue in the UK. I find it difficult to understand as I don't know any young women who would be comfortable with going out to bars and clubs by themselves and it's not something I would have done at her age (or at any age).

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