Apologies for length, have tried to be concise!
Dd is 10. Her dad lives about 3 and a half hour drive away and has done since she was born (I lived in his town and then moved back home near my family just before I found out I was pregnant). We have managed this as best we can - they Skype 3 times a week and she spends half of every school holiday with him, except for the half terms when she’s there for the whole week as it’s far to go for just half a week.
Dd has pretty much always complained about going. It’s not because she has a bad time but she’s always struggled with leaving me. We’ve tried to implement things to help with this (taking something of mine with her, taking photos, got her a phone a few years ago so she could message and call me whenever she wanted to). She has found it easier since having a phone and being able to contact me and will FaceTime me most mornings, but still a few days before she’s due to go she’ll start saying she doesn’t want to go and why am I making her etc.
It’s really hard as I feel guilty for ‘forcing’ her, but her dad is a decent dad and he loves her and he makes consistent effort to have a good and close relationship with her despite the distance. He deserves a relationship with her as much as any decent dad does. He’d love to be able to do ‘normal’ contact but it’s just too far. Plus he doesn’t drive (his mum does all the driving for their contact). It’s not really possible for him to come here as he absolutely cannot afford to pay to stay somewhere, and staying at ours isn’t really an option as my dp and dds dad are civil but not at all comfortable with each other and we have a small flat.
Up til now I’ve always told her it’s important that she has a relationship with her dad, and that he loves her and wants to spend time with her and that’s a good thing, and that she’s too young to fully understand the consequences of not going to visit. But it’s horrible to effectively disregard her feelings. Aibu doing this?? How do I deal with it? At what age do I prioritise her feelings and allow her to not go?
To avoid drip feeding, I’ve also not long had a baby (dd2 is nearly 6 months) so dd1 is also now having to leave her sister to go and visit her dad, which is obviously adding to her reluctance. Since dd2 was born she’s only visited her dad for a week over Easter (they didn’t do feb half term as baby was due, and didn’t do may half term as we had something planned and her dad didn’t want to do less than the full week) and now will be going to his for a solid 3 weeks.
Thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions.