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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a good enough reason to fight 50:50 with an ex?

12 replies

Stop1t · 01/08/2022 08:08

Our DS is 18 months old. Me and H are amicable so far but discussing what will happen with DS he has expressed he wants 50:50.

My issue with this is that DS is just not comfortable around his dad at all. He cries when he's left alone with him, seems shy around him, and is closer to literally everyone else in his life. He would sooner run to his grandfather for a cuddle than his dad for example.

H is a workaholic and doesn't spend much time at home (so how he'd even work 50:50 is beyond me), and I believe this is the reason DS struggles so much, he just barely knows his dad which is sad but the reality.

I think 50:50 would be so unfair on him. He's attached to me like glue as his primary caregiver since he was born and if I left him with his dad would literally scream and scream as I left.

But I don't know how courts see this? Am I supposed to just do it anyway even if DS would hate it? I want him to have a good relationship with his dad and I've spent his whole life trying to encourage this but H is too wrapped up in work to have bothered nurturing much of one so I don't feel it's in DS's best interests to now suddenly be forced to spend 50% of his life with someone he doesn't feel comfortable with right now but would a court agree do you think?

Have absolutely no concerns about abuse or anything like that. I just think he needs to build up his relationship with DS before subjecting him to that.

YABU - H should be entitled to 50:50 right off the bat

YANBU - you should fight it until he's closer to DS.

OP posts:
ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 01/08/2022 08:14

how is your DH planning on doing 50/50 if he is a workaholic? Having said that, many single parents with sole care (me included) work fulltime. The attachment thing is a bit chicken and egg . If he is serious about doing 50/50 and really cares about his son, rather than just scoring points on you, he will understand the need to build up gradually, with more time spent with DS and you gradually withdrawing until a balance is found. I'm not sure what a court would make of it but I imagine your H would have to show what his childcare plan is and how he intends to balance work and parenting if he wants to change the status quo. Will you be looking for work after the split? What is your childcare plan if so?

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 01/08/2022 08:16

if he’s spent the last 18 months with you as primary care giver and given his young age it’s in the best interest of the child to have a ‘base’, a parent he spends the majority of time with. As he gets older it can progress to 50/50 but at that age he is too young and there is no precedent for it.

Original poster
Stop1t · 01/08/2022 08:21

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 01/08/2022 08:14

how is your DH planning on doing 50/50 if he is a workaholic? Having said that, many single parents with sole care (me included) work fulltime. The attachment thing is a bit chicken and egg . If he is serious about doing 50/50 and really cares about his son, rather than just scoring points on you, he will understand the need to build up gradually, with more time spent with DS and you gradually withdrawing until a balance is found. I'm not sure what a court would make of it but I imagine your H would have to show what his childcare plan is and how he intends to balance work and parenting if he wants to change the status quo. Will you be looking for work after the split? What is your childcare plan if so?

Quite honestly I have no idea because right now he works overtime during the week and a lot of weekends too and I must admit I wouldn't like the idea of DS going to him just to be shoved in childcare all the hours of the day (obviously normal hours childcare is a necessity for lots of parents, I work myself and DS goes to nursery during this time but I'm home at finish and I'm home at the weekend and importantly when I am home I'm engaging with DS).

Because it's not just the work, it's that when he is home he doesn't really bother with DS, he doesn't interact with him, has never bathed him, never put him to bed, never even made his tea. He doesn't really do anything to have built any sort of bond with him because he does none of his "caring" iyswim.

I would be more than happy for this to be worked on, for him to gradually start doing more (I've tried and tried to encourage this even before a split) but he just expects to go from nothing to 50% and whilst I do understand he's DS's equal parent, I know he would struggle so much the way things are right now Sad

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 01/08/2022 08:26

I think 50/50 right off the bat would be a bit brutal, but also one your DS would adjust to fairly quickly if your Ex actually engaged. The stress of court, if you’re aiming for 50/50 in the end anyway, might be more detrimental over all than a quick adjustment.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2022 08:27

Is he just trying to avoid maintenance?

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 01/08/2022 08:28

In terms of court with a child that age and a relationship such as you describe they would typically look at a stepped arrangement over an agreed period of time, with you both (hopefully) agreeing a route to the 50/50 arrangement, this could be over months/year or so.

All that said why are you talking court, if you are currently quite amiable and there's no abuse you would be expected in the first instance to work this out through meditation. The mediator will expect your H to bring their plans around care for your DS and together with them come up with a plan that is in your child's best interests. You will have a space to express your understandable concerns, maybe go with a proposed plan of how he could build up to 50/50, what you would like to see as a timeline etc, be prepared for some bend but have your baseline clear.
Good luck!

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 01/08/2022 08:29

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2022 08:27

Is he just trying to avoid maintenance?

100% this. And will likely fob your DS off onto his parents during your contact time

dammit88 · 01/08/2022 08:38

I think an 18 month old will adjust very quickly and would be absolutely fine but its whether you think he is doing it for the right reasons really.

RebeccaCloud9 · 01/08/2022 08:41

Why does he want 50:50?! Sounds like it's only to exert power over you, or to avoid maintenance - which will backfire as maintenance is NEVER as much as a child actually costs!

bjjgirl · 01/08/2022 08:43

My ex was like your dp and then when we split out the kids first and backed off from work yes I did have to help him out as he did me but he has an amazing relationship with the kids now

sashh · 01/08/2022 08:49

Why does he want 50:50 if he isn't doing that now?

Devotedcatslave · 01/08/2022 09:01

Does he have other family members close that would be doing childcare for him during his 50%? That is the only way I can think of he could manage it. It is pretty much impossible to get paid childcare outside of normal 9 to 5 working hours unless you can afford a nanny. If he doesn't have anyone that would do childcare for him I'd be tempted to call his bluff and agree to it. I suspect if he is actually expected to do 50 50 he will rapidly decide it is not a good idea. On the off chance he does actually make it work then it would be good for him and DS to have a good relationship. I wonder if he is expecting you to fight it, so he can play the devoted but deprived father.

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