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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this was abuse?

8 replies

Wanttokeepmyprivacy · 31/07/2022 21:00

I trained in a male dominated profession. When I was very young and not yet qualified, a much older and successful married man took a strong interest in me. I was flattered and thrilled to be having such a formidable man come to pick me up from work every evening, take me out somewhere nice and give me feedback and help on my work. He told me I was brilliant and talented. Within a few weeks he told me loved me, didn’t love his wife and was emotionally separated from her, etc etc. With this in mind it then became ‘serious’ for a few days before I realised I didn’t want an affair. I told him I just wanted to be friends and go back to the simple platonic relationship as before where he was my mentor and supporter, but that’s when he called me a b* and an ugly s** who was only good at one thing and actually really dreadful professionally and I would never amount to anything. The experience left me feeling used, stressed, ashamed, and his criticism of me professionally hurt my confidence.

Several years later, he’s in a very senior position and constantly banging on about the welfare of the younger professionals. I just feel like it’s all wrong. Is it?

OP posts:
GreenEyedFox · 31/07/2022 22:36

Sounds like he couldn’t handle the rejection so lashed out and said things to hurt you. Relationships are complicated and not everyone handles them in a mature ok, have a nice life bye, way. I wouldn’t be thinking about it years later.

he may have changed over the years and there are things at work we have to be seen doing and leading by example even if we don’t want to

I answer the phone and listen to irate people complaining and I have to empathetic towards the person when all i really want to say is STFU !!! But I can’t so I have to be all of course I understand, how frustrating

Margot78 · 31/07/2022 22:42

Sadly when men give a younger woman special attention, they usually expect something in return. If they don’t get it they can turn nasty. You are right to look back and be annoyed especially if it impacted on your confidence. I
hope you have the strength and wisdom now to no longer let him hold you back. Don’t be fooled by his bs anymore, he won’t have changed.

Treesscraping · 01/08/2022 08:36

Of course he was abusive, he was grooming you to be his bit on the side. Disgusting.

KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 08:38

Threw his toys out of the pram because he didn’t get what he wanted. What a knob.

JanglyBeads · 01/08/2022 08:45

If you're in the same organisation still, I'd consider telling HR. He could still be acting in the exact same way to young women.

Meraas · 01/08/2022 08:53

I think you should whistle blow about this misogynistic twat. He could still be doung this.

I’m sorry this happened to you, OP Flowers

Meraas · 01/08/2022 08:54

GreenEyedFox · 31/07/2022 22:36

Sounds like he couldn’t handle the rejection so lashed out and said things to hurt you. Relationships are complicated and not everyone handles them in a mature ok, have a nice life bye, way. I wouldn’t be thinking about it years later.

he may have changed over the years and there are things at work we have to be seen doing and leading by example even if we don’t want to

I answer the phone and listen to irate people complaining and I have to empathetic towards the person when all i really want to say is STFU !!! But I can’t so I have to be all of course I understand, how frustrating

What a load of minimising bullshit. You would be singing a very different tune if he did this to your daughter.

And what the fuck does your shit telephone manner have to do with OP?

CatsAreCrackers · 01/08/2022 09:07

How old were you as I think that would sway my reply? And how long ago? Also, do you still work in the same company? But I'm going with the idea that you were over 18. What he did was shitty and definitely taking advantage of your naivety but I wouldn't say it was abuse. It doesn't sound like he forced you to do anything you didn't want to do at the time. Him calling you names when you called it off is infantile and pathetic and the words were abusive. But again, I don't think you were abused.

I'd put it down to a crappy experience and an early lesson in what letchy men are like but I wouldn't dwell on it.

Having said that, if you honestly think that young women are in danger from him then speak up to the HR department.

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