Feelings about people of different sexes

[Cheees]

In a recent discussion with an aquaintance, the topic of nervousness around men came up. Not severe, life-limiting nervousness that stops you from doing stuff, but in situations where you find yourself alone with a stranger, for example in a lift, you find yourself alone in a tube carriage or if you hear someone coming up behind you when walking at night.

If you are a woman, does the sex of the stranger make a difference to how you feel?

So AIBU: the sex of the person has no effect on how unsafe I feel
Or AINBU: yes I feel more unsafe (even if only marginally) if the stranger is male

Yes I can feel unsafe with lone men in a situation with no one else around as you describe, lift, train carriage.

This is because men have assaulted me in the past.

I avoid being alone with men outside of my immediate family.

Never been physically assaulted but a million examples where men have made me feel uncomfortable via inappropriate comments etc. so although I don’t feel unsafe around all men when alone, I am definitely uncomfortable around most.

It doesn’t affect me.

I'm very wary of men and always have my guard up around male strangers. Which is so sad as I have 2 lovely sons, but unfortunately years of being perved on have just left me with the creeps around men.

Yes, in certain situations.
I work in a male dominated industry but very rarely feel frightened at work. While the industry is male dominated, it tends to attract more liberal men.
Outside of work, I do find being alone with men I don't know frightening. As someone said above, this is based on previous verbal and physical assaults. Sad but true.

Of course. I’m 35 and thought by now it would’ve stopped, but I still get harassed relatively regularly. I would be on my guard around any man until he proves himself trustworthy. I’m sad when I think my daughter will have to gradually learn this for herself too.

I’m pretty sure if you asked this question to a group of men, they would also agree that the sex of a person changes how safe they feel. Though I think most men don’t appreciate just how much harassment women receive. And most can’t understand how “compliments” and “flirting” can feel threatening, even though straight men will give this as a reason they feel uncomfortable around gay men.

Personally, no. I've never had any problems with men. But I understand that other people might feel unsafe.

What did your acquaintance think OP? I don't know many women who haven't been made to feel uncomfortable by a man at some point.
Statistically mem are most likely to be assaulted or hurt by another man.
So, all the evidence is quite clear on this. Not all men are dangerous, but the majority of dangerous people are men.

As a woman I feel unsafe walking anywhere alone after dark, this is because of a fear I could be assaulted by a man. I am not afraid to be in a lift alone with a man because I know there is the emergency button but sometimes it feels uncomfortable with unknown men, especially if several men in a group and just me. I can remember reading a survey once that said 36 percent of men surveyed in UK anonymously admitted to consider raping a women if they were certain they would not get caught. Could be massively impacted by sample taken, but I have never forgotten as it shocked me.

I've heard it described as the constant background risk assessment. If one man I didn't know (15-50) or knew but didn't trust, followed me into a lift from a lobby area (and we were the only two) I would mask it (show no physical or social discomfort) but I would experience a massive adrenaline spike and be hyper vigilant for the first sign of anything off or wrong. I would behave a little differently e.g. standing silently in a corner, waiting for him to press the button of what floor he wanted before I did. If he got on with his girlfriend this would not happen.

IIRC Caroline Criado Perez says a lot of this is situation specific, and the architecture can have a huge impact on women's feelings. Add some combination of cctv, multiple lifts which you wait for within sight of a staffed lobby, good lighting, mirrored walls in the lift, carpeted floor, even elevator music would have an impact and I would be more at ease. I accept that whilst some of these have a rational impact on risk others would not seem to, but we're talking about feelings and involuntary reactions. The supervised lobby, cctv & panic buttons and mirrors may be self explanatory but carpets need hoovering, mirrors need cleaning, music needs paying for and these things make the lift feel like someone is caring for and 'owning' the space so you feel less isolated and vulnerable.

If I'm walking home in the dark and I hear footsteps behind me and look round then I immediately feel relieved if it's a woman, and scared if it's someone male.

It happens so quickly I wonder if it's an instinctive reaction, but I suppose it could be learned from years of having men behave creepily.

The sad fact is that male people commit around 99% of sex crimes and the vast majority of violent crime, so it's perfectly reasonable that we find them more threatening than women.

A woman who isn't more alert to danger in the presence of men in these situations has perhaps just been very lucky so far.

Women know that men are a risk to us if we're alone with them. Any woman who says it doesn't bother her isn't properly risk-assessing for herself.

Yes, the fear of men is pervasive. On the street, on the train, in buses, at the supermarket, at my mum’s house and in my own home.

The only place that feels safe is work and that is because of all the security, even though they are also men.

I can see why men are perceived more as a threat but to me body language & behaviour also play a huge role.

Whilst no woman has yelled at me from a white van or stalked me in the street like men, I have met & seen verbally & physically aggressive women.

Threat still there, just in a different form.

In a lift or tube carriage or general walking at night , no, I don’t worry at all. A completely deserted area in the dark where there were just the two of us, maybe; although that’s a pretty rare occurrence in London and most of the places I go.

But also, I’m not shy in coming forward and don’t have a problem telling men to go fuck themselves if they e.g. wolf whistle or make a sleazy comment.

I have been doing this all my life but it is only fairly recently that I have consciously noticed I'm doing it.
Eg out running or walking in the countryside if another person is either behind or coming towards me I have a definite feeling of relaxation once I've clicked it is another woman.
Or being in a taxi with a male driver, I'll automatically think what I'd do if things turned nasty.

Of course. Walking home from the supermarket or cinema with a man walking behind me - fleeting thought I may get mugged or dragged into a side street. Woman - nada, unless they're clearly drunk/under the influence/loudly ranting (I live in a town where we have a few regulars like this).

I said this to DH - he may take up running in the evenings and I said I wouldn't feel safe. He thought and said he would be worried for me but not himself.

I don’t trust men.
I do not believe men see women as human beings like they see men.
I avoid them. I do not want to be alone any of them.
Will never date them, have sex with them, have their children etc.
I don’t hate them per se, what I’m never going to ve naive about them ever again.

This is quite interesting in terms of how we assess risk versus actual risk: statistically, men are much more likely to be attacked / mugged by a man unknown to them than a woman is to be attacked or raped by a man unknown to her. Your DH is actually the one he should be most concerned about!

Oh, I know. I tell him to avoid any groups of lads and cross over! I think the difference is - my ex-boyfriend was enormous and was attacked in his town by 2 men. Few punches, black eye, reported it and went on his way. When women and children get attacked by a stranger they're more likely to end up on the news because they've been found dead in a park/field. Sorry to put it so bluntly.

”What did your acquaintance think OP?”

It was in a discussion about a specific event, when I’d found myself alone in a mixed sex toilet and found a man at the sink when I came out of the cubicle. I said I’d felt uncomfortable and she asked why. I explained that (like many others on this thread) I had experienced some unpleasant things when alone with strange men. Throughout the following discussion, she acted as if my reaction was bizarre and as if I must be dealing with some unusual fear of men. I thought my experience was pretty standard among women, as this thread seems to confirm.

“This is quite interesting in terms of how we assess risk versus actual risk: statistically, men are much more likely to be attacked / mugged by a man unknown to them than a woman is to be attacked or raped by a man unknown to her. Your DH is actually the one he should be most concerned about!”

I am aware more men end up being attacked by other men, but I suspect there is context around that, such as men facing up to other men when drinking, or indeed gang attacks, rather than if a man was walking down a street, he’d be more likely to be randomly mugged for his phone than
woman.

Sorry, ComtesseDeSpair, but even if this is true I don't see how this is relevant to the OP's saying she avoids and/or feels threatened by lone men or all-male groups when out alone. She does not have the choice to suddenly and temporarily switch to being (perceived as) a man.

She's already risk-assessed her husband and other intimates (possibly wrongly) and now she's assessing strangers. The fact that her husband or male partner (if she has one) could be a carefully-concealed predator operating undercover doesn't really make a difference to how she feels encountering other random men, does it?

And of course - I'm sure you know? - the average man has significantly more upper body strength than a women of the same height and health. Of course, one can and does risk assess for predictable interactions, but that doesn't help with a person or group of people strange to you in an unplanned-for situation. And that's all leaving aside the enthsiastic rape culture and misogynist culture that exists in the UK today.