Page 2 | To expect DH to change his plans if I'm sick

Palamon · 30/07/2022 08:42

Gaming until 3am?

You've actually got 3 kids, one of whom is 43.

But he got up, so not worth falling out over.

Rosebel · 30/07/2022 09:03

OP told him at 10 she was sick so common sense should have told him he'd need to get up with the children.
Obviously he doesn't have any common sense as, she had to spell out to him he needed to get up.
I wouldn't fall out with him over it though. He did get up with the kids and f he's grumpy just ignore him and stay in bed.
Absolutely confused as to why he needed help getting a 1 year old downstairs. Do you have to do that on Sunday too?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/07/2022 09:25

I dont get the responses on this thread. All the 'but he got up with the kids!'

OP said "Now he has got up with the kids. After lots of "FFS" under his breath this morning. Had to keep prodding him awake as i heard the one year old crying in his cot. He's pretty grumpy but he has done it. Even though I did need to help get the 1 year old downstairs"

He only got up with the kids because OP effectively made him, even knowing she had been puking throughout the night, he would have happily been sleeping in if she hadnt prodded him. The swearing, the going back to sleep, the putting responsibility on the OP who was sick, the needing help to take the one year old down, is NOT someone who is taking any sort of responsibility whatsoever, he has done the bare minimum after massive prompting.

To me, a partnership means you pick up the slack when your partner can't do their share. Without swearing or needing a load of nagging or help because youd rather not be doing it.

If my husband had been sick in the evening I wouldn't even wait to be asked to get up in the morning, I'd assume that even if he felt better that a rest would do him good and I'd automatically get up. And I'm a lazy arse in the morning

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 30/07/2022 09:41

To me, a partnership means you pick up the slack when your partner can't do their share.

He did pick up the slack, though. That's what matters at the end of the day.

Without swearing or needing a load of nagging or help because youd rather not be doing it.

See, this I don't understand. Parents are allowed to swear and complain and be grumpy because they only got a few hours sleep (whether that's their own fault not).

He got up - that's the important part Maybe he needed prodding because he was exhausted and didn't wake up properly - who knows. Does it really matter?

I don't understand why parents can't make mistakes (stay up too late) and complain about being tired without being labelled shit or lazy or rubbish. If a mum had been out late while her partner was unwell and had got up after several hours sleep in her lie-in day, I suspect there'd be a hell of a lot of sympathy aimed her way.

Tothemoonandbackx · 30/07/2022 09:43

Christ on a bike, some of you clearly haven't read the post properly have you!!!!!!

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 30/07/2022 09:47

Am I reading it right that he games 8pm-3 am just on Friday nights? If this is his socialising and it really is just one night a week, then you need to stop judging him. I don't think he should have resisted getting up so much this morning though.

Musti · 30/07/2022 09:56

He picked up the slack after a lot of prodding and some help from the op when she should just have been resting and recovering.

when we have children we have to change many things and be flexible. Gaming until 3am if it impacts parenting is not on. The other weeks are fine as it has been agreed and they take it in turns.

Mybeautifulfriend22 · 30/07/2022 10:00

Set up seems fair, his hobby is when the kids are in bed. Ok he gets the lie in saturday. But mum gets one Sunday. So many defends mens time consuming hobbies on here. Not gaming oh no that’s a child’s hobby. 🙄

Ok with a bit of a push he has got up with the kids today and op can sleep now.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 30/07/2022 10:00

Musti · 30/07/2022 09:56

He picked up the slack after a lot of prodding and some help from the op when she should just have been resting and recovering.

when we have children we have to change many things and be flexible. Gaming until 3am if it impacts parenting is not on. The other weeks are fine as it has been agreed and they take it in turns.

OP didn't have to get up and help though - I'm sure he'd have been just fine managing on his own once he was fully awake.

I mean, in an ideal work he wouldn't have been prodded awake but I've read plenty of posts from women on here who don't get their lie-ins because their husbands won't get up - every single time, the answer is "just prod them until they get up".

Hoppinggreen · 30/07/2022 10:02

KangarooKenny · 30/07/2022 07:41

You can be irritated all you like. At least he did get up for you.

For his children

SucculentSunshine · 30/07/2022 10:02

This all sounds reasonable. He had warning he’d need to get up. He chose to play and get up. Let him be grumpy, I’d be grumpy too.
bit also take the rest you need without feeling guilty.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 30/07/2022 10:08

Take away gaming. If he was out for the night would it be different, or playing football. I had to be prodded out of bed this morning.

Topgub · 30/07/2022 10:11

So you're allowed to be grumpy with him but he's not allowed to be grumpy with you?

I'm not sure what the problem was

He got up

Ontomatopea · 30/07/2022 10:13

He's a dick. How ill do you have to be for him to actually care?!

GirlInACountrySong · 30/07/2022 10:16

Can't understand why, if you are that Ill your first thought at 7.30am is to write a long post on mumsnet!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/07/2022 10:19

Yes parents are allowed to be grumpy. And yes they are allowed to make mistakes.

But personally I think its rubbish to take out that grumpiness on someone who has been up being sick all night especially if you're tired though your own actions. If you know your partner is ill and stay up til 3 I dont think that's a mistake, its deliberate and you know how you'll feel at the time your kids get up.

I'd be fuming if I was ill through the night then had to wake up to screaming kids and stay awake to prod my partner out of bed and listen to him swearing when I was feeling poor.

I think men are held at lower standards than women for this kind of thing. If my partner was sick, I'd make sure the kids were ok but I might still go out or whatever was planned, however I'd assume I was getting up with the kids the next day and act accordingly eg not drink,come back early etc especially if its something I do every week, it doesnt hurt to curtail it a bit. I'd be trying to keep the kids quiet in the morning so my partner could rest, not swearing and basically staying in bed until prompted by my sick partner. And I'd expect the same from my partner.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/07/2022 10:20

"So you're allowed to be grumpy with him but he's not allowed to be grumpy with you?"

It would be a bit harsh to be grumpy with the OP for catching a bug though

Brefugee · 30/07/2022 10:22

Hope you're feeling a bit better OP.
He can game until 3 if he wants - looks like you two have a good deal over lie-ins, him Saturday you Sunday. In that respect all good.
He is entitled to relax how he likes - esp given the above.

At 10 you should have been much more clear and let him make a decision: I can't get up tomorrow, you will have to do it.
TBH - he got up. You didn't need to help him get the 1 year old downstairs, he already knows how to look after them. He's saying "FFS"? He is annoyed with himself for being tired, he made a bad decision. We've all done it. Let him get on with it. And if you're ok tomorrow, you feel ok you get up early.

Topgub · 30/07/2022 10:26

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I'm not sure being grumpy when you're tired is always rational.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 30/07/2022 11:11

Saywot1 · 30/07/2022 07:35

My head is v foggy so just going to explain situation as objectively as poss.

DH does online gaming with his friends every Friday. He's 43 and I do hold a bit of judgement that he games every week from 8 to 3am.

We have 2DC who are 1 and 4.

Every Saturday morning DH has a lie in as he went to bed at 3am. Every Sunday morning I have a lie in.

Last night at 9pm I started feeling v unwell. By 10pm I was being sick in our bathroom. Hobbled downstairs to tell DH, he took his headphones off for a second and said "oh no" but it was clear I'd interrupted the game. I really did tell him this was not good, couldn't even keep water down.

Woke at 2am. Sick again. Went downstairs go DH still gaming and said "I don't think I can get up with the kids in the morning". He shrugged, came to bed at 3.

Now he has got up with the kids. After lots of "FFS" under his breath this morning. Had to keep prodding him awake as i heard the one year old crying in his cot. He's pretty grumpy but he has done it. Even though I did need to help get the 1 year old downstairs

AIBU to feel irritated? I mean he has got up with them after all even though he's v grumpy.

I just think why not stop gaming much earlier when he knew how unwell I was??

We have had an awful week. A&E visit for the 4 Yr old. Family problem. Work is relentless. He thinks he therefore deserves his gaming time but I think he needs sleep so he can not be so grumpy with me when I've spent all night puking

YABU because you've phrased it about him being grumpy when he got up which I don't see as the biggest crime in the world. Others will jump on the gaming hobby as it's vilified by some on here and if that's an issue you need to address it separately but it sounds like the arrangement you have normally works?

MangoBiscuit · 30/07/2022 11:45

If he's being grumpy WITH YOU, then YANBU. If he's just being grumpy because he's tired, but is still doing what he should (looking after his kids solo because you're ill) then I think YABU.

But this is Mumsnet, and anyone over the age of 16 who plays computer games should be flogged. 🙄

SleepingAgent · 30/07/2022 13:47

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/07/2022 09:25

I dont get the responses on this thread. All the 'but he got up with the kids!'

OP said "Now he has got up with the kids. After lots of "FFS" under his breath this morning. Had to keep prodding him awake as i heard the one year old crying in his cot. He's pretty grumpy but he has done it. Even though I did need to help get the 1 year old downstairs"

He only got up with the kids because OP effectively made him, even knowing she had been puking throughout the night, he would have happily been sleeping in if she hadnt prodded him. The swearing, the going back to sleep, the putting responsibility on the OP who was sick, the needing help to take the one year old down, is NOT someone who is taking any sort of responsibility whatsoever, he has done the bare minimum after massive prompting.

To me, a partnership means you pick up the slack when your partner can't do their share. Without swearing or needing a load of nagging or help because youd rather not be doing it.

If my husband had been sick in the evening I wouldn't even wait to be asked to get up in the morning, I'd assume that even if he felt better that a rest would do him good and I'd automatically get up. And I'm a lazy arse in the morning

Agree. He's not some kind of fucking saint for very reluctantly getting up and doing such a bad fucking job of it that OP had to help anyway. Honestly, some women on here would let their men away with anything.

Shopper727 · 17/06/2023 14:39

I think the bar is set pretty low, shouldn’t a partner want to make sure their unwell wife or husband is ok take the kids etc make sure they have water or anything else but no we just have to be grateful to be ignored all evening whilst they game, force them to take care of their own kids to let you rest and make you feel worse than you already do?

well op wonder if he’ll catch the bug also make sure you treat him the same.

Bubblyb00b · 17/06/2023 15:04

he done his job so its all that matters. he's an adult, and if he's decided playing online is worth getting less sleep - well, its up to him!

get well soon!