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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP his 'friend' was slagging him off

20 replies

Froglett10 · 29/07/2022 09:41

Went out for some drinks and one of DP's 'best friends' from a previous workplace (who I've never really liked) started really criticising DP, and then practically asked what I'm doing with someone like him? Referring to the fact DP doesn't have a degree, is 'punching above his weight' looks wise, and likes plain, simple food, when I'm a massive foodie. Note; DP is coeliac and is quite cautious about food/eating out so hardly his fault.

The reason I don't like the friend is because he's rude, arrogant and stuck up and he's always putting everyone around him down. To be honest I think DP thinks he owes this guy friendship because he's been supportive in the past with work and career stuff (he was slightly more senior). Ultimately I think he's jealous of DP because he's happy, successful and popular - this is because he's a kind and good person, and this guy is not.

Do I tell DP? How do I tell him? He knows I'm not a fan of this friend so don't want him to think I'm trying to split them up or something. (I really like and get on with pretty much all of his other friends).

OP posts:

SavoirFlair · 29/07/2022 09:42

Can I ask how you were out with your DP’s mate, what was the context/group he happened to be in with you?

luxxlisbon · 29/07/2022 09:44

Why are you out for drinks alone with your partner’s friend who you don’t even like? This is so strange.

thatsnotmynamec · 29/07/2022 09:44

I would otherwise it's like your in collusion with this guy. And really wouldn't you sooner know?

Dotcheck · 29/07/2022 09:47

What did YOU say?
I think the ball was firmly in your court here. You should have unequivocally stood up for your husband. If you didn’t, I’m not sure what telling your husband will achieve

sleepymum50 · 29/07/2022 09:49

I’d tell your husband. It’s up to him what he does with the information. Sounds like the friend is jealous.

Mosaic123 · 29/07/2022 09:50

I think you should tell your husband. Just so he doesn't put himself out for this guy

Is it possible that the friend fancies you?

It's inappropriate to be saying this to you.

SavingsThreads · 29/07/2022 09:53

luxxlisbon · 29/07/2022 09:44

Why are you out for drinks alone with your partner’s friend who you don’t even like? This is so strange.

Where does it say OP was alone with him? I read it as a group situation.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/07/2022 10:12

Could you not refuse to be around him because he might have been just his usual unpleasant self, but it really sounded like he was hitting on you with the way he was speaking?

It won't do much for DP's self esteem if he finds out the guy is telling his partner that she could do better (like him?) and you've just stayed there as though it's true 'but you love him anyway'. But you putting your foot down and saying no, I'm not going to pretend to be nice to the dickhead when he's being so creepy/inappropriate, might be the better way.

I know DP, who sounds quite similar to yours, was a lot happier when I did that due to the way he was being spoken to by one friend, as it gave him the reinforcement that it wasn't acceptable when he was doubting himself. I didn't attempt to stop him choosing to see the friend as that's not my decision or right, but I could refuse point blank to have him in my home or play nicely with the prick. I think I said something along the lines of 'You wouldn't let anybody say that stuff about me to you, so I'm not going to accept him doing it either'.

Original poster

Froglett10 · 29/07/2022 10:13

SavoirFlair · 29/07/2022 09:42

Can I ask how you were out with your DP’s mate, what was the context/group he happened to be in with you?

Sorry for not explaining the context clearer, didn't want to ramble on. It was a goodbye gathering for someone that me and DP used to work with who is moving abroad (50+ people attending). We both used to work at the same place (I left 3 years ago, DP left nearly a year ago. The 'friend' still works there).

Anyway, I ended up chatting to this guy while getting a drink at the bar. I hadn't spoken to him since I left the company, but DP considers him a good friend.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 29/07/2022 10:14

I wouldn't give details but I'd steer DP away from this "friendship".

Or you could say similar about this "friend" to DP and see what he says?
I deffo wouldn't give him details of what was said.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 29/07/2022 10:18

It does sound like he was hitting on you a bit, suggesting you can do better than your dp and he is mediocre. I'd have called him a twat and then told my partner.

Original poster

Froglett10 · 29/07/2022 10:18

Dotcheck · 29/07/2022 09:47

What did YOU say?
I think the ball was firmly in your court here. You should have unequivocally stood up for your husband. If you didn’t, I’m not sure what telling your husband will achieve

I did stand up for him. I don't like the idea that someone my partner thinks is a great friend is putting him down in front of his girlfriend - and my partner is oblivious to it.

OP posts:

Thehop · 29/07/2022 10:18

I’d have replied

“for me, personally, it was his huge dick and amazing skills in the sack that got me hooked. You only need to look at how hugely popular he is for tips on how to make and keep real friends I guess.”

AchatAVendre · 29/07/2022 10:25

One comment like that is bad enough, but several is just really rude. I would think he's put quite a lot of thought into your relationship and is definitely hitting on you. He sounds like a twat.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/07/2022 10:34

Yes I would tell your partner.

Not all the details. 3 key points (ideally avoiding any that would really hurt your DP) Acknowledge you’ve never liked him, and say that you are telling your DP because you think this guy is jealous of him - and you want your DP to be informed of this even if he chooses to still spend time w Mr Tosspot

RobertsRadio · 29/07/2022 10:35

I'd tell your DP what his "friend" said. I would want to know if a friend was saying things like that behind my back. It's then up to your partner how he deals with the information and the friend, but at least he has full knowledge of what the friend really thinks about him. The friend sounds a right tosser and like he is jealous of your DP.

gannett · 29/07/2022 10:37

I'd say to DP, "I bumped into X last night and he said some really disloyal things about you, it was quite shocking". Then see what he says and take it from there.

I wouldn't tell DP the details outright straight away (you don't want to spring cruelty on someone with no warning), but I would if he asked, and I'd also make clear that they were hurtful, disloyal and crossed the line.

Then the ball's in your DP's court. He may continue the friendship on some level - there are all sorts of reasons we keep people in our lives even though we know they're toxic (maybe he thinks there are still career benefits in it). But he can at least do that with both eyes open.

Bunce1 · 29/07/2022 10:52

I’d probs say something like. I’m not sure x thinks as highly of you as you do of him, I m bit unsure he’s trustworthy

RobertsRadio · 29/07/2022 10:54

Thehop · 29/07/2022 10:18

I’d have replied

This reminds me of the time Sarah Brightman was on the Graham Norton show, when she was married to Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Graham was asking what it was about ALW that had attracted her as "he isn't the handsomest boy in the playground" and she replied, "But he did have the biggest willy".

howshouldibehave · 29/07/2022 10:59

I would tell DH-‘I had a bit of a to do with <twathead> In the pub last night-he was saying some really dickish things. I thought he was supposed to be your mate!’

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