Feeling the strain with dh and ds's adhd

[MysterySolved]

So for my 4yo son, we're in the assessment process for adhd but from what people we've seen have said so far, it's highly likely to be adhd. Due to various conversations and research, my husband also wondered if he had adhd too and now it turns out he has! For dh, the explains a lot of his behaviour and mood difficulties.

I know both ds and dh, have medical explanations for their behaviour but AIBU to find it really difficult? It feels like since we've started investigating adhd in them both, it's actually got worse. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a couple of whirlwinds, everything is so fast.

I'm also stressing about the fact adhd can be genetic and whether that means 1yo dd will develop it too. She's already showing lively tenancies but not quite like her big brother thankfully.

I feel myself getting frustrated with dh and ds which seems unfair of me. I wish I could be more laid back with the whole thing.

I feel for you - my son has just been diagnosed with moderate ADHD as an adult and we suspect one of his sisters has adhd too but are more aware.

As they are both intelligent school has kept saying no they're fine they are doing (academically) well at school, but their behaviour ., constant, distracting other's and not paying attention... yada yada. I realise now my ex DH has ADHD traits too

I realise now how many strategies I used and how exhausting the relentless of the constant noise chatter and sudden anger outbursts over minor incidents all disproportionate to what had frustrated him.

I feel for you as you just want a bit of peace and for them to sit still and nicely... just so you can concentrate. and not lose their shit over something minor every single day despite being a happy busy busy boy!

I longed for a pause or mute button on my remote control that worked on my son!!

Nasty bastard aren't you ?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Did you're parents suffer with it then to create an absolute cunt like yourself babe? Hugs x

Op I have ADHD and have 3 kids with it. I'm not going to lie it's bloody hard work and my husband has the patience of a saint to deal with us all. It's not easy but it does sort of get easier. I feel for you because some days in this house I honestly feel like running away 🤦🏽‍♀️.

You have no idea. It's not all about shit behaviour. My teen DS is smart, well behaved and a joy to be with. He just can't focus and his mind is all over the place. He's distracted and lacks motivation, and has no time management.
Pull your head in and have some empathy.

Wow.

What's your excuse for being vile?

If you weren't dim and uneducated as well as nasty, you'd know that brain wave activity is shown to be different in scans, so no, not just shit behaviour or parenting.

Yeah. That's totally it. And ignorance. Don't forget that.

Well you are so uneducated that you lack the ability to google…it really is not that hard !!!

Me to OP. I have no suggestions but 💐

Even though that comment from @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy was totally ignorant and vile, it kind of hits a nerve with my insecurity over dealing with adhd as a parent.
If my son is going at 100mph or behaving erratically, or impulsively, I do worry that other people think he's just 'naughty' and I'm a shit parent.

I've reported this post.

@VanillaIce1 that does sound really tough, for all of you. I feel like I need to be more patient with my dh and maybe my expectations need to change or adapt. This adhd stuff is all quite new to us still tbf. In what ways does your husband show patience? Anything that helps?

Another element to our setup is that I have an anxiety disorder and ocd so that gets thrown into the mix sometimes.

I don't have any direct experience with adhd myself but as an outside perspective, it sounds like it's important for you to have a break. Can you schedule them in, maybe your h can take the kids to the park every Saturday morning? Maybe you can do a yoga class once a week?

I constantly feel judged and have adjusted my life to try and deal with that. I plan/manage our activities so I'm most confident they'll succeed (e.g. avoiding really busy places with too much free play, going out and about earlier in the day when it's not busy then the kids have wind down time in the afternoon at home).

It's really hard. My eldest (10) has ADHD/ASD (diagnosed with ADHD age 5 and ASD age 7). My youngest (7) is showing some evidence of ADHD and will be observed next school year to start off the process. DH has never been diagnosed but it's clear to us he has ASD and inattentive ADHD.

It has been a real struggle but with our 10 year old I can see that the structures/support we've built into our lives, combined with medication and his own developing self-awareness are having an impact. I'm positive about the future. His ADHD was classified as extreme by the psychologist who diagnoses him and even with meds he's really hyperactive and impulsive. But he's also funny, clever, creative and caring. He's in Special education, specialist out-of-school care twice a week and does residential once a month/holidays. He has had a series of one-to-one interventions as well to educate him about ADHD and develop strategies.

I can see that for my husband who has never been diagnosed breaking the patterns of behaviour that have built up over a lifetime are harder to break.

The key for your kids is early intervention and support. Fight for everything you can. Educate yourself about strategies. Get organised - I feel like the manager of our household sometimes. It can be exhausting but in the long run the routines and schedules help everyone stay sane. My kids work best with predictability, time to decompress, clear oversight of what's coming. It does mean that sometimes my life is not as exciting as other people's but that's okay.

I'll admit I cried my eyes out last month when DS2's (7) school told us they want him to be observed externally because of behaviour concerns. He's always been my 'easy' child and I sobbed at the idea of another child with SEN and all the energy and admin that entails, but I'm better equipped to deal with it if he does have SEN because of everything we've been through with DS1.

Staying calm and not getting frustrated is definitely a challenge but really important. DS1 developed very low self-esteem before his ADHD diagnosis when he was in mainstream education. Celebrate your successes, find out what works for you and your family, get whatever external help you can, and definitely make sure you give yourself time out for yourself (easier said than done).

We have a similar issue in our family. One member diagnosed with ADHD (and boy does it explain a lot) as a young adult, and on the one hand it really does explain a lot and help with strategies and reactions. On the other hand i do sometimes think i hear "yes but that's down to my ADHD" when what they really mean is "i was an arse/lazy, sorry".

And other adults in the family now realising they have similar traits, having read up on it and using strategies themselves so they get a better handle on it, has been a good thing.

It is fine to be frustrated, OP, hang in there.

Always one fucking

Idiot! Wouldn't let me write the other word I wanted to say!

OP, I was diagnosed a few years ago and I found that I got 'worse' for a while after diagnosis - or at least that I noticed it more, and noticed the challenges I'd been working round every day.

So where before I might just have put my inability to clean more than half a room before getting distracted down to being forgetful, suddenly I was overly aware of how poor my attention span actually is, and it made it feel really overwhelming.

Similarly, I really struggled and felt much angrier once I realised that these weren't just annoying quirks I'd grow out of once I became a 'proper' adult - something I'd expected for years, that one day I'd wake up and be able to remember basic things like taking the bins out or not leaving a tap running all day, or I'd be able to finish something more than 0.3 seconds before a deadline at work and not have crushing anxiety all the time over it.

I just assumed I wasn't really in the swing of life yet and I'd eventually find my stride, and when I realised it wasn't just going to magically improve it was a real blow and I felt very angry and resentful of it. I wonder if some of you has been mentally working round these challenges with your DH/DS and now you've realised they're permanent and are noting each symptom as it impacts on your life, you're feeling the same kind of angry and resentful and a bit trapped by it as I did?

If so, I get it. Living with me is hard work at times, and while I was lucky because DH is autistic so there's a level of ND understanding between us haha, there was definitely a period of adjusting to it where we both felt particularly aggrieved by just how annoying it can be!

@MysterySolved Hey. I have no concept of time so he is a massive help in the mornings getting them ready for school etc.

He will give me time to cool down when I'm overwhelmed. But if the shoe was on the other foot and it was him who had this I don't think I could be as patient. I have to plan and run our lives by writing every thing down and really try to stick to a routine but it's hard.

I've also had people comment on my kids behaviour and it used to really upset me but I'm at the stage now where I think you honestly don't know what my children go through nor myself so i can brush it off and take no notice.
Have the school been helpful? Mine wasn't at first but we've got there now and my daughter and big son do a lot of classes at school to help them regulate their behaviours and learn techniques to calm down.

Years ago I used to run a very militant house I was strict and every thing had a place.
It belonged in.
And I expected good behaviour, and to be this great Mother Earth type with my kids! but having conditions like this, it was never going to work and I've found lowering my expectations and not expecting much from anyone has helped me not feel so stressed over this situation.
It is really hard I sometimes feel like I'm grieving for what might of been different but it's getting better I think!

Medication has made a huge difference to our family. All my kids have adhd, we tried all therapies and counselling and courses, medication was the only thing that helped with the dangerous impulsive/hyperactive tendencies. Dh acknowledges that he probably has adhd but has learned coping mechanisms but does struggle massively with staying calm around normal kiddy stroppyness

Thank you for all the supportive comments. I feel pretty overwhelmed and exhausted with it all tbh. I feel like there are always so many obstacles, even things like going on holiday. We were going to do two nights summer but I just don't want to now as I'm just finding ds and dh so difficult.