To expect my 3 year old DD to play independently some of the time

[rainbowsunshineclouds]

My 3 year old DD literally never wants to play by herself, I love playing with her but can't do it all of the time.

It causes major problems if I'm not constantly available to play. She is very stubborn and refuses to play on her own, if I do manage to get her set up doing something it lasts maybe 2 minutes absolute maximum. She will pretend to fall over or hurt herself to get my attention.

Friends of hers will play upstairs for up to an hour or so alone but I'm starting to wonder if I'm being unreasonable to expect this? It's a constant battle and it's not making either of us happy.

If your child of a similar age does play independently, what do they play with for a decent length of time?

Mine is 2.5. The only thing she'll play independently for any length of time is her Peppa pig figures and house and Playmobil. She will happily play for an hour or so

YANBU to want it and to work towards achieving it.

YABU to expect it. Some kids find it much easier than others to play alone.

You need to push through the moaning though and let her be a bit bored. That's when she'll find her imagination. If she has a lot of screen time cut that down.

Toys that are good for free play are generally open ended toys like Duplo for example. Small world stuff like a dolls house, cars etc also good. Some children have more success with pens and paper, stickers or playdough.

Start small, leave for a few minutes and if she's still playing go back and join in. Then leave again and go back etc. Don't expect her to just play for an hour because other kids do. Pick a time where she's had a lot of exercise and fresh air and attention earlier in the day and is due a bit of down time.

I would say my DS (nearly 3) is pretty good at independent play but I don't think I'd get an hour out of him. He's not into pretend play that much and prefers to do actual board-type games or activities with letters/numbers which are obviously harder for him to do alone. If he's working on a good piece of colouring or doing something like ordering his alphabet lego, he can be pretty engrossed for 20 mins or so.

I'll be honest my 4 year old and 5 year old still won't play alone! I wish they did but I'm accepting they are both just very social children. The upshot is that when we have friends round or if we go to a park or pub where there are kids their age then they will play for ages.

I think some children just want to be with you.

Can you involve her with what you are doing?

There’s quite a good account on Instagram called fiveminutemum. She has lots of ideas for little activities you can set up to be found

At 3 he didn't, at 4 he does a bit more. Mostly Lego, he's obsessed with Lego, though sometimes he takes himself off to sit down with a book. Maximum time has probably been an hour of reading books and playing with his castle characters in the early morning, normal would be about 20 min at a time. Cars and drawing he still sees as more social activities. We don't really mind playing with him most of the time. Just encourage a few minutes at a time here and there, she'll start to get used to it.

When we're out now though, we're horribly boring and he just wants other littles to run with. He even had the cheek to grumble today that I hadn't invited any friends to our activity (asked who was coming, then asked why nobody could come, then horrified I hadn't invited anyone). Off to summer camp tomorrow morning, woohoo. At 3 your little one should be able to do some of the camps, can you send her away for a morning to get a break?

I'd be amazed at a 3 year old who played totally alone upstairs for a full hour.

I'd be slightly worried they were just used to being ignored.

My two are reasonable and 5 yr old will happily play by himself for a while but the three year old would play totally alone for about 15 minutes absolute max before coming to show/ask me/dad/brother something

And this is why I'm thankful I've got twins! I hate playing, let her get on with by herself.

Goodness, my eldest nephew is a master of self entertainment, but he wasn’t doing an hour alone at 3.

My DS is not a kid who likes to play on his own. I don’t play with him much, but I do let him get stuck into whatever I’m doing. He seems to prefer that anyway to toys.

I think you can help kids develop independence, but fundamentally they either like their own company or they don’t. Sociable, people loving DS has been quite a shock to naturally introverted DH and myself!

The best times for solo play I find are right after meals, so as soon as breakfast is over you could do something like set up colouring at the table, or leave some playmobil set up in the living room. I find I get a good bit of time with DD occupied by that, leaving me free to tidy up the meal / do dishwasher etc.

Similarly a good hour after lunch, and then after tea I just tend to go in the garden with her and I do a few jobs while she runs about quite happily or goes on her trike.

Its when she's hungry / tired at points in the day that I find she really is incapable of playing alone, and I get involved then, but now I understand that pattern and try and use it to help me plan my day and when I need to get my jobs done.

Also, I find that my daughter responds best to toys that are just left out for her to "discover" rather than me saying "Oooh look lets play with this". She seems to resist playing when I actively try and engage her, but if I strew a few books on the sofa, or dig out some things from the bottom of the toy box and leave them on the floor for her to find, she is much more likely to be engrossed.

Also, I really do believe that children's brains need lots of fats to function. If my daughter has cereal for breakfast (which I try and limit) I find her attention span is quite poor. But if she has a couple of boiled eggs and a spoonful of peanut butter her attention and ability to play by herself is noticeably better. I don't know the science behind it, but I think the diet really makes a big impact on how well they can focus.

Was it adhd

Any concerns