About STBXH and childcare?

[Justalittlerant5]

Not so much an aibu as a little rant…

I’m in the process of divorcing my (emotionally abusive and controlling) husband. For now we and the DC are still in the family home and he pretends I don’t exist most of the time, which is hard.

Anyway, he insisted on a 50-50 split of the kids over the summer holidays and I then found out he had booked the Dc into childcare (nursery/childminder) on many of his days, despite me being available to look after them. I have been very upset about that, but hopefully will be able to build in a way of dealing with this into the parenting plan kn due course.

Then yesterday (one of “his” days) nursery rang to say DC3 had a temperature and seemed unwell. He collected her, took her temperature and said it was fine so returned her to nursery. Not sure why they let her back in but there we go.

Later nursery called me (said they thought they should call me instead as STbXH had brought her back) and said DC wasn’t drinking and had a temp over 39 and needed collecting. I told STBXH and he said she was fine, he had a meeting and couldn’t collect her.

I then collected her and looked after her for the next few hours. He didn’t acknowledge me the rest of the day.

Obviously I was available (though had booked a gym class to fill the time, which I missed) and DC come first, but I’m so fed up of STBXH saying he wants 50-50 and then not taking the responsibility that comes with that. I feel like he just wants to punish me.

That’s it really. IANBU am I???

It's up to him to organise childcare for his days in the absence of any order that states you've to get first refusal.

No, YANBU. He's an arsehole. But I imagine you already kniw that.

No YANBU. Clearly he would rather stick it you than prioritise his child's well being. As you don't have a formal plan in place, personally I would continue to parent my child including removing my child from nursery as and when necessary while keeping a clear and detailed diary of these events for future reference. Fortunately he doesn't acknowledge you so it's not like you're going to have to deal with an argument over it.

I would just see if you can get stuff like that in writing, so when the childminder phones you to pick up- say “yes I am happy to do it, but could you just drop me a note confirming that you have tried to contact dad and he has said he can’t due to a meeting” when it then comes to looking at custody arrangements I would then look to submit that as evidence he has previously had 50-50split and relied on childcare and not been able to step up when required.

so your in the same home and he is booking your kids into clubs during his 50/50 but you arent even living separately yet. So this 50/50 is nonsense, I wouldnt be allowing this and i would be suggesting you both need to remove your DC from this toxic mess asap. This is very damaging for your DC. I would go and see a lawyer and get some guidance

No no no.

He wants 50/50 he can take time off when they're sick

Thanks everyone. Feeling much better after my rant. Some really helpful ideas here. I am documenting all these incidents.

I have seen a lawyer and am taking steps to resolve everything and get the DC out of this environment asap. Unfortunately the process just takes a long time. Hopefully things will be a bit easier once everything is formalised and we have a parenting plan.