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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at grandparents moving away?

19 replies

blackpoolhouse · 27/07/2022 19:18

My DH and I had our first baby 10 months ago and we don’t have any family close by at all.
With a new baby I felt sharply the distance of not having a network of support in those early months and also wanting my son to have a relationship with his grandparents.

The closest family we have are DHs parents who are just over an hour away, not really far but also not very close. But easy enough drive or train journey to see them regularly 1-2 a month.

They were even kind enough to look after baby after he was asleep and husband and I went out for the evening a couple of times since he was born when we were staying at theirs. This was the only time we’ve had to ourselves out since he was born.

They’ve just decided however to move closer to DHs sister who is about double the distance away from us.

It’s all quite sudden and they want to be closer to their daughter should anything untoward happen to them (they are mid 70s tho fit and well!) and her children who are early teens.

I understand why they are doing it and it isn’t as if we are relying on them for childcare anyway but I still feel sad as our son will see them less because it’s a 2.5 hour drive away and train is out of the question now.

I want them to be happy and do what is best for them as they are getting older. I guess I feel bad for my son who possible won’t have as good a relationship as their other grandchildren and I also feel abandoned since we had a baby recently and we have no safety net at all in terms of childcare due to the distance.AIBU to think this?

Can you feel both happy for someone but also sad for yourself?

I realise I am lucky to have grandparents for my son at all and wanted to hear positive stories of parenting without a close knit support network!

OP posts:
Ginfilledcats · 27/07/2022 19:26

I grew up abroad whilst both grandparents were in the UK, I mean other side of the world abroad with little opportunity to see them. Was incredibly close with my maternal grandparents, and I’d say had a normal grandparent closeness with my paternal.

that was in the 90s and it’s even easier to keep in touch now. My mum used to write daily (mainly for something to do) and post the letters in 1 go once a week, and we phoned once a week too. Now with face time it’s even easier.

your son will know no different, and will be absolutely fine. Don’t worry about it! I get why you’re sad (I moved closer to home to be near my parents, so I do get it) but he really will be fine.
you never know what will happen in 10 years, you might move closer to them, they might fall out with SIL and want to be nearer you! Never say never! X

WibbleBibble · 27/07/2022 19:27

You can absolutely feel sad while also happy for someone else. Its scary to wonder how you'll cope with no safety net for childcare in emergencies etc, but you will cope. Our ILs are almost 5 hours away and we have become very self reliant as a result. Allow yourself to feel your feelings though, and work through them

redskyatnight · 27/07/2022 19:30

2.5 hours away is doable in a day at a push and certainly at for a weekend. So no reason why you couldn't still see them once a month or more frequently if you want to.
Focus on building up your own support network as well - there are very many people with no local family about!

Sunnysideup · 27/07/2022 19:32

I actually don’t get this and I see it on here often. My husband and I had our kids and we just assumed we were responsible for them and if we wanted child care we paid for it. I don’t get this bleating of who will provide us free child care, which is exactly what this is.

Blankbias · 27/07/2022 19:33

Of course you can feel sad for any reason! We have no grandparents close, but when we do see them, we all have a great time. Also recommend tv FaceTiming too. Think of it in a positive way, you’ve had a lovely 10 months with them, and now your sister in law and her family get this joy. So lovely to have close grandparents when children are in their teens. And, when you go and see them you can see the whole family!

user1487194234 · 27/07/2022 19:36

I understand where you are coming from
We live close to both our families and I would be very upset if anyone moved away
For me it’s definitely not about childcare,and I don’t read this from OP
Its just a big part of our lives doing lots of stuff together

locomocol · 27/07/2022 19:39

I actually don’t get this and I see it on here often. My husband and I had our kids and we just assumed we were responsible for them and if we wanted child care we paid for it. I don’t get this bleating of who will provide us free child care, which is exactly what this is.
except that's not what the OP is saying...

locomocol · 27/07/2022 19:40

My parents are immigrants & I only had one grandparent who I saw once a year. I love the fact my dc see their grandparents regularly. It's nice for the dc to have different relationships

Duttercup · 27/07/2022 19:42

I don’t get this bleating of who will provide us free child care, which is exactly what this is

It is a shame we can't all be more like you and your husband. You sound... delightful.

OnaBegonia · 27/07/2022 19:42

I actually don’t get this and I see it on here often. My husband and I had our kids and we just assumed we were responsible for them and if we wanted child care we paid for it. I don’t get this bleating of who will provide us free child care, which is exactly what this is.
Oh ffs, OP said she's sad her boy won't get to see them
not free babysitting.
Also, most families do help each other out if they can.

Mally100 · 27/07/2022 19:43

I would think at mid 70s they have done their bit and get to choose where they want to live. You can be sad but it's up to them to do what's best. They feel like being closer to their dd should they need help so that is up to them. Will you or your dh take on responsibility to care for them if they lived closer to you?

Shmithecat2 · 27/07/2022 19:47

You don't need to live near them for your child to have a wonderful relationship with them - I lived in the ME for more than the first 4 years of DS' life (so no family or childcare), and he has a fab relationship with all his grandparents. You just need to make the time you do spend with them as special as possible.

cptartapp · 27/07/2022 19:57

I'd be somewhat thankful that ageing in laws aren't moving closer to us with a view to be cared for as they age and decline. Rather selfish of them really.
Count your blessings, in the long run you'll be thankful. SIL is now ruing the day she chose to live close to PIL now the free childcare days are over. We, an hour away, paid for almost every hit of help but are now beholden to no one.

angstridden2 · 27/07/2022 20:10

Cptartapp
..... delightful

lemonsorbetinthesun · 27/07/2022 20:16

one set of my grandparents lived about 3 hours away. I still saw them regularly and have lots of very happy memories.

In terms of safety net, that can be a bit harder. Especially if you have another child and one needs to go to A&E etc.

perhaps looking for a childminder that is happy to cover emergencies is something to think about?

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2022 20:41

I understand your feelings our nearest relations are an hour away and it's not a case of having them for half hour while you nip to the shop etc. if they move further that's even less support than you currently have, I suppose they have a close relationship with your sils kids as they were younger when they were born where as realistically they may not get to see your child grow up. It's tough tho.

cptartapp · 27/07/2022 20:58

angstridden2 · 27/07/2022 20:10

Cptartapp
..... delightful

But true.
And there are very many like my SIL.
Think long term OP.

Brefugee · 27/07/2022 20:58

It is telling that they are moving closer to their daughter (sigh) rather than stay where they are close to their son. Says a lot about either your DH or societal (or their) expectations.
I wonder how their DD feels about this. If that were my parents? I'd be making it clear that I'm not their carer - or would be up to 50% of the work involved.

I grew up in a different country to my grandparents, my DCs have grown up in a different country to their entire family. We all have great relationships.

Original poster
blackpoolhouse · 28/07/2022 09:41

Appreciate everyone’s thoughts, it’s made me think about the situation in different ways that I hadn’t before so thank you.

This isn’t about the free day to day childcare at all as my son will start nursery full time when I go back to work. Although the emergency back up childcare is the main thing but hopefully that won’t be very often and I have been trying to build a network of other mums with similar aged children in the area plus will look for babysitters once he starts nursery hopefully from nursery so it’s someone he knows.

The ILs are equi distant currently between their son (my husband) and my SIL in opposite directions. SIL has said she won’t want to drive the hour up and down the motorway if anything happens I think she meant jokingly but I guess it’s quite far if you had to do daily!! So I think that has nudged them to do it plus I’ve heard the ILs say that generally it’s the daughters that end up looking after the parents or more likely to… again I don’t necessarily agree having not been in the situation and more society telling us as women do more caregiving in general at home for the most part again could be a generalisation too! Ultimately it may be easier for SIL since her kids are older too so she may be more able to since we only just started having children.

Either way we will adjust and work towards DS loving granny and grandpa time!

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