In-law's

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My in-laws are very intense and can be vary overbaring. 3 years ago me and my husband moved 3.5hrs away to try and get a bit of independence from them. Life has been great and we get on much better with them usually seeing them every other month for a full weekend. Last week they announced that they are house hunting in our area and want to live as close to us and their grand child as possible. How do I make this stop?!

Deal breaker in your relationship OP.

They sound like awful people who don't care about anyone but themselves.

They will be in your hair morning, noon and night.

Personally I would prefer NC than have that.

Drastic? Yes.

Honest? Yes.

I couldn't bear anyone, even family I love dearly, dropping in constantly.

The idea that overbearing people that I wasn't particularly fond of, probably relationship ending.

You need to spell it out to your partner.

You have one child?

Hold off on having another until this is resolved.

You really need to see will he stand up to his parents.

Personally I think it is presumptuous to say we are moving on top of you without consultation, but it will make moving on with similar lack of consultation perfectly reasonable.

Yeah, this is what happened to me.

And it almost destroyed my marriage, despite me and dh being on the same page.

I think you have to address this head on.

Your DH has to say that in truth you love the relationship you have with them now, and it is better than when you lived close. That you love them being grandparents but they can be strong characters and intense and when you lived close the constant visits and attention made you feel as if you couldn’t lead an independent life.

Say that should they move they should not anticipate the level of contact they had when you lived near before.

When they start with the drama, just calmly repeat ‘as we said we love your visits but we need space and independence’

I have a relative who had to fend off another in this way.

Did you ever talk to them about it?

Would it not be worth having a conversation and saying - 'we would be happy with you moving so you are closer but not in the next street. We wouldn't want you calling round without calling or texting first, and we won't always be available. If you are happy with all that, then it's fine to move nearer' ?

Just be open and honest and see what happens?

Where did you get that they don't care about people from?

Having family pop in and out wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

I understand that everyone is different and that it's not for you, but it doesn't automatically mean that people who are different to you are wrong, it just means they are different.

If my in-laws dropped in all the time I'd be pleased. They are lovely people and it would show how much they cared. I love company.

I get that this isn't the same for everyone and every relationship but I don't think you can assume that dropping in = horrible people

Clealy they are lining you up to be their care.

This.

If they are in a position to up sticks and move to another area like this they are probably already retired.

Is DH an only child? They are no doubt looking to their future and having you both close by for help when they get proper old.

If they are willing to move like this, do they not have friends and a social life where they live now?

If they do move near you it will not be as bad as it was before. It will be much much worse. They won't know anyone else but you so will be entirely dependent on you for company.

If you don't work they will probably think it OK to pop in at any time. If you do they will try to convince you there is no point paying for childcare when they could do it.

Sorry this sounds like a nightmare.

Your DH needs a serious word to try to convince them you need space. If they move anyway, I dunno. Move again to convince them you really mean it

Tell them you miss them and you have been looking for jobs nearer to them. They’re just not available…. (And not likely to become available ever.)

YANBU. My in laws were going to move closer to DP and I when I was pregnant, DD is 12 weeks old now. Most of the rest of their family are where they live now, 2.5 hours away from us. They were going to move between us and MIL’s sister, but within 30 mins of us as they wanted to be more involved in our life’s and their other grandchildren are growing up -and they don’t get on with their DILs so don’t see much of them anyway.

I didn’t want them to move closer because they are overbearing and ignorant, seeing them every month or so is enough for me. We ended up having an argument when I was 34 weeks pregnant and I stopped talking to them, they had behaved badly and I had enough on my plate so couldn’t be bothered to talk to them and I haven’t forgiven them, we are low contact now I would say. They took their house off the market and decided that moving was a silly idea, and I am going to make sure they don’t revert on that decision. To put it bluntly they will be a bad influence on my DD and I don’t really want them in her life any more than they are now.

I agree with the PP that said NC is better than them being so overbearing and selfish, and it sounds like your DH is on board. He needs to have a frank conversation with them I think.

*lives, not life’s!

Hahahaha!!!!!

I had the same thought, but the likelihood is the parents would turn around and say, 'No need to uproot yourselves - we'll move to your area.'

@Holly60

The OP has stated they are overbearing people who popped in constantly, that they moved 3.5 hours to get away from, and have NOW been TOLD they are going to move as close as possible to them, without any conversation.

Physically having to move yourself 3.5 hours away from them here, is the clue.

They sound awful to ME.

Family calling in constantly would not suit me and I love them.

Having overbearing family calling in constantly must be absolutely awful.

Hence the OP had to take the dramatic action of MOVING.

His family now telling them they are going to move as close as possible to them IS overbearing and hugely presumptuous and not what kind family do.

You liking your inlaws and being delighted in them calling in a lot, is completely unconnected to the OP's situation which she has been very clear about.

Overbearing people that you have had to move hours to get away from, now TELLING you they are now moving as close as possible to you, is absolutely awful IMO and indicates they have no interest in anyone but themselves.

Decent, considerate people would have a conversation before they would do this.

These people not doing this speaks volumes.

Completely agree.

It will be far worse than before as you will be their sole focus and will be their source of ALL information/company, in the new area.

Do not hold back telling your partner how damaging and relationship ending this could be.

Keep remindng him that you had to move, which IMO is a huge decision to have to make, for some space and peace.

Allowing this to go ahead unchallenged and hoping for the best would be the worst thing you could do.

Interfering inlaws living on top of you and imposing themselves on your child and parenting, WILL undoubtedly sour your relationship with your partner.

So many posters write about how hard it is to have a child without suppport nearby.

That you chose to do so, says so much.

Do not be bullied by them.

Total deal breaker with your partner.

Well its time for your DH to talk to his parents and explain why you moved in the first place. You know what is going to happen if they move so sitting on your hands and saying nothing isnt going to help either of you