AIBU : to move or not to move..?

[SmileyJ]

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet and I'm looking for some advice. Sorry if this is long.

We currently live in the South East and are comtemplating moving north of the border to be nearer family and friends. I am a sahm and am not very happy here. DH works in the SE (and enjoys his job and financially isn't sensible for him to leave) so we would move our main house north, with me and my dd living there during the week and dh renting here and coming back at weekends. He is happy to do this even though it is me driving the move.

I am really looking for any advice from people who might be in the situation of their other halves working away during the week and back at wkends. It would be 3 nights away one week, 4 nights the next. I just want some reassurance that it isn't going to be detrimental to dh/dd relationship.

Thanks alot in advance.

I can't see how it could be good for all of you tbh. You would be a single parent half the week and the kids and you husband would miss out on seeing each other half the week.

Just a feeling.

how old is your dc? Why do you want to move? Is it just to be closer to family?

Hello Smiley welcome to MN.

A move so far away from DH's job is very radical.

How old is DD?

Could you be postnatal?

Have you thought about returning to work, it might be that being a sahm might be contributing to your current unhappiness ? Being at home with small children is not for everyone

Doesn't really sound like a great plan - practically or financially. Are you unhappy because you are lonely?

Oh, I'm about to do this - not for particularly the same reasons, but will end up with me and DD in the far north, and DH working and living in London.

I got comfortable with this as (a) I will be a lot nearer both of our families and (b) DH will be able to work at home every other week. And most importantly, during the week at the moment he rarely sees DD as he leaves before she wakes and isn't back until around now when she is already asleep, so DH and DD aren't missing out on any family time together.

Do your DH and DD see much of each other during the week at the moment?

Although... it depends on how much time he's getting with them during the week to start with, my DH only sees DD for half an hour in the mornings and is facing a regular trip abroad with a new role at work and I can't see it making that much of a difference. As long as you make a concerted effort to make weekends special the kids needn't miss out too much. It's you who will be without adult company in the evenings, can you cope with that?

We're about to do something similar for my new job. But I am practically a single mother anyway.

If you and DH are happy then go for it. But, I think physical distance often leads to other increasing distance (expect this will happen to us too).

sorry onlyaphase, i repeated your message, must have been writing the same thing at the same time.

I think it depends what is making you so unhappy

No worries Mum07!

The other thing to think about properly is money - am sure you have already done this but the cost of running two properties plus flights etc up and down the country are really high. We have opted for the week on/week off pattern to mitigate travel costs as much as possible, and have bought a houseboat for DH to live on next to his office rather than rent/buy a manky flat miles away from work and have yet more transport costs.

The couple this week on Relocation Relocation were doing the same thing I think. Is becoming more usual

Thanks for replies.

Def not postnatal, dc is 2 in a few months.
Guess I am lonely here and have wanted to move closer to family/friends for a few years now. Going back to work isn't really an option.

dh/dc don't get that much time together in the week at the moment, he leaves before dc is up most mornings and does try to make it home for bath/bed but he is more and more busy at work just now and is also pretty much travelling a week a month at the moment. Is we weren't here in the week he could work longer so that he can leave at lunch time on friday (and go in late on a monday) one week, then work from home the next friday.

It's just such a big decision which we have spend many hours discssing and we do agree, I'm just worried about making such a big change.

Have you looked at the practicalities of the whole thing - where would you live in the north, what sort of house would you get, how near the airport/train station, what is the travel time and connections for DH etc. What would you do during the weeks, are there groups you could join etc?

Apologies if I am pointing out the bleeding obvious, but DH and I did find looking at the practicalities a great way of working through the idea and finding the flaws and ways around them. Also make the whole thing a lot less scary if you have a few more ideas and certainties in place and have done some research. It crystallised lots of ideas for us, hence the houseboat idea to save on costs and time etc. It has to work out well for both parties else your DH could well just get irked at living without you both every week in a rented flat with no home comforts.

Finally (promise!) have you an exit plan for DH from his work or will this be carrying on until retirement? Could he work in the north, set up his own company etc eventually maybe?

Sorry I think its a bad idea. I have lived away from my family for 15 years now, and it has taken a long time to make it work. But I would rather live with my husband full time than live near family. I think you need to make sure that you are not looking at it with rose tinted spectacles. Also men do need a eye keeping on them.

Doesn't sound good. My landlord and his wife did this for about five years.

BUT they both had grown children from previous marriages and he only did it because he was only five years from being able to retire.

Even then, it was very, very hard on them and they had to work even harder at their relationship.

Furthermore, he had tied accommodation for his job in London and didn't need to shell out extra for rent/mortgage there.

I did this for four years, though it was me who worked away in the South East, and left my ex-partner and 16 year old daughter at home in Wales. Looking back I feel I missed out by not being involved with my daughter's life on a daily basis in her last years at home - at weekends she was more interested in her social life than catching up with her mother. It also precipitated the break up with my partner, though I think that would have happened anyway. A stronger relationship could probably survive it, but it certainly highlighted the weaknesses in ours.

I wonder, if he is increasingly busy, if the hours will creep up so that he spends lees time with you than you expect.

Dh and I agreed not to do this although it has gone through my mind as otherwise I am going to be very restricted for work. I suppose you could try it for a trial period by renting for a while until you are sure this is the right way forward.

Smiley where are you in the SE?

Are your DC school age?

My dh worked in Germany every week, back at weekends, when ds was tiny. It was miserable. For him even more than for me, and I was pretty wretched. In the end he resigned.

My DH worked away during the week for two years.

It had to be done but put a LOT of strain on our relationship.

Here's a few things we experienced:

When you only see each other at weekends, a whole week's worth of discussion, chat and rows need to be fitted in in just two days which can exacerbate communication problems.

DH gets left out of the minutiae of DC's life (why it matters that Emily isn't talking to her; why it is so important never to miss MI High etc) and can find it hard to get up to speed over the weekend.

You get used to running the house/child/life your way and can resent arrival and upheaval of returning other half (clothes everywhere, hogging the TV, telling DC's off etc)

Chores which need DH have to be put off until the weekend - so precious weekends end up filled with chores; or the chores simply never get done.

Never get to go away at the weekend. It's DH's only time at home - doesn't want to spend it visiting the in-laws, distant friends etc.

It's easy to get v. tired and resentful doing everything on your own during the week.

Having to find a babysitter just so that you can go to evening class/parents' evening/PTA meeting. No-one else there to pick up the slack when you're ill, car breaks down, running late at work etc.

There are loads more downsides. Only upside for us was that at least DH had a job and we didn't go bankrupt.

My advice would be: DON'T DO IT!

My husband and I have done exactly that and we've found that it suits us down to the ground. We bought a house in Scotland close to my family, which means that I have ample support and help throughout the week whilst my husband is away. I stay at home with our son and get to spend time on my own in the evenings - time that has become very precious to me.

Currently, my husband commutes weekly from Edinburgh but that will change next year when he is likely to be posted back down south (he's in the Army, so his job changes every two years and we're very used to spending large chunks of time apart).

He loves his job and it's very consuming, so being away during the week allows him to concentrate on work and throw himself into it as well as enjoying the social life of the Mess, while looking forward to time with us at the weekends.

Having my mother and father close by has meant babysitters on tap and our son has a wonderful relationship with them which he wouldn't have if we were moving from pillar to post every couple of years.

Of course, there are times when I miss him and I'm sure he misses me but we've found that the arrangement suits us for the time being. Obviously, if that changed then we'd change our living arrangements to suit again.

Interesting to hear these different views on living apart. I'm hoping it won't be so difficult for us as DH will only be away every other week, and we will actually be living next door to my father, so chores like lawnmowing etc will get done during the week and I will have a babysitter on tap as well.

Interesting point about communication Grendel - was it difficult to talk/email during the week or is it just that the little things get missed out? And I can see that your point about getting used to running the house etc your way is actually one we hadn't thought of, and will have to plan for as well.

The main upside for us is that we can live rent and mortgage free, and start our own investment company as a result.

Really excellent advice on here.
I think that if it's negative feelings that are driving the move - ie not being very happy/missing family etc, then you need to address those issues rather than looking to a move to solve the problems.
I agree that being a SAHM can feel very lonely and isolating, particularly if you have a partner who is working in a busy, fulfilling role and you feel that your lives are just poles apart. I was a SAHM for a short time and it really wasn't for me. I was never a big fan of toddler groups and coffee mornings, because you're not necessarily meeting people you get on with - you're just meeting other people who happen to have babies too!
Try to think yourself into the future by 6 months/ a year. The first few weeks would seem like a honeymoon if the move is really what you want, but then reality would kick in. How would your dh feel about all the travelling? Week in week out? Is he going to be so knackered during your time together that you end up not enjoying it? What about a couple of years away when your dc starts school? Your lives then will have to revolve around the school day and school terms and that might make things more tricky.
TBH I wouldnt do it. Why not look for ways to improve the situation living where you are - eg join a club, take a part time job, maybe plan some trips back to see family etc. Then review in a years time and see how you feel then.

hi smilyj, my dh and I currently are in this situation and both of us have come to dislike it, as it has put an enormous strain on our relationship. I think it has contibuted to DH being depressed as he often spends a lot of time in the evening on his own in hotel rooms.

Weekends become very precious, but also stressful as you have to fit all the everyday things into just 2 days!

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Thank you so much for all your replies, all of it has given me more to think about!
At the moment, dh seems to see more pros than cons. It was always something we talked about doing when dd was older as we both would like her to go to school in Scotland anyway, it's just come about sooner than we planned. I agree with JCScot post, my dh job is consuming and it's something he's worked hard at for a long time to get where he is now. One definite advantage would be the relationship our dd would have with grandparents and other family. At the moment we are pretty isolated..we do have friends here and life isn't absolutely miserable but I think our life would improve, albeit we'd be apart in the week. We counted last night that we had only been out on our own a total of 3 times last year and that would be another advantage as we would have a whole network of babysitters.
I just wish someone had a crystal ball and could tell me it's going to all work out ok.
Thanks alot again.

My dh lives and works 300 miles from us and usually travels up for 3 days every two weeks. It is totally crap but not crap enough to make me uproot to move to him.
I also chose this set up to be near to my friends and family and I know that it's the best we can do for now.
We've done long distance on and off for years and we make it work, it suits us both on one level...we like our space! but it is not ideal where family life with children is concerned. I am barely coping with the children on my own. (I have four though!)
Definately worth thinking through carefully. But also if you are going to do it, now would be good because if it doesn't work your lo is easy to move around. Once they get to school age it's much harder to chop and change.