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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is different

27 replies

Bombshell101 · 27/07/2022 12:53

My DP wants me to love her DD the same as I do my DS.
I came into her DD life 18 months ago. It hasn't been an easy ride. She's at preteen age now so hormones are all over the show so she can be quite rude to me. Which fine isn't entirely her fault but she can push boundaries and be quite mean.

Anyway my DP thinks I should love her exactly the same as my DS otherwise we can't ge together. I don't feel this way about her loving my DS the same as I understand it is different. I tell her DD I love her and praise her up and say she's a kind person etc. I include her DD and have looked after her when I'll. But it's not the same love.
Aibu?

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 27/07/2022 12:57

YANBU, but be prepared to be slaughtered on here.

FWIW I'm not a SM but have been a SD to a number of different people and I would have found it uncomfortable if not downright creepy if they had said they loved me as much as they did their dc.

I had parents and I had step parents. I didn't have 4 parents. I didn't want 4 parents.

Mischance · 27/07/2022 13:03

Do you have a "Loveometer"? How do you measure love?

It is all nonsense - if you behave kindly to this lass, then that is fine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2022 13:03

She’s absolutely delusional. You don’t have to love her at all.

Is she honestly claiming to love your son as much as she loves her daughter? That would be highly unusual and a bit weird.

Tonysopranosghost · 27/07/2022 13:09

I could understand the expectation if you'd been in her life since she was tiny but 18 months isn't really that long. Especially with a older child. YANBU

Anothernamechangeplease · 27/07/2022 13:10

Of course it isn't the same if it isn't your child. Your DP's expectations are unrealistic.

10HailMarys · 27/07/2022 13:13

I don't think many people would, over the course of just 18 months, love a 10-year-old they'd only just met in the same way that they love their own child, even if it's been a really smooth journey into step-parenting. I think your DP sounds really intense and has expectations that aren't realistic.

18 months is really not a long relationship, either.

AppleBottomRats · 27/07/2022 13:14

Tonysopranosghost · 27/07/2022 13:09

I could understand the expectation if you'd been in her life since she was tiny but 18 months isn't really that long. Especially with a older child. YANBU

Yes, this. If you had actually raised her daughter then maybe but YANBU at all in the situation you have described.

Schooldil3ma · 27/07/2022 13:28

Never going to happen, your DP is delusional. Do they claim to love your dc as much as their own?

girlmom21 · 27/07/2022 13:36

Does she actually want you to love them the same (not possible) or treat them the same (slightly more possible if her child stops acting up)?

MysteriousMonkey · 27/07/2022 13:40

I don't think 18 months is long either, and it's not about blood really (I think you can love an dopted child (for example) the same amount as a biological one) but time and bonding. If this child is rude to you and not relaiant on you there is no way you could feel the same way yet. Your partner needs to give you a lot more time! I don't expect her daughter lives you as much as she loves her mum either.

OldEvilOwl · 27/07/2022 13:43

She is being ridiculous. Of course YANBU

Original poster
Bombshell101 · 27/07/2022 20:41

girlmom21 · 27/07/2022 13:36

Does she actually want you to love them the same (not possible) or treat them the same (slightly more possible if her child stops acting up)?

Love and treat them the same. She said I'm so natural with DS but not with her DD. That would be because she's a preteen and my DS is much younger so the way I am with DS is going to be different than her DD anyway.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 27/07/2022 20:59

Of course not.

You just have to be nice and supportive. You’re partner is being ridiculous.

Some people do love their SCs (I do) but you can’t force it, and it will often be that the SP got to know the kids when they were v young

If your partner carries on like this just move on

Original poster
Bombshell101 · 28/07/2022 08:04

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/07/2022 20:59

Of course not.

You just have to be nice and supportive. You’re partner is being ridiculous.

Some people do love their SCs (I do) but you can’t force it, and it will often be that the SP got to know the kids when they were v young

If your partner carries on like this just move on

Exactly. Her other Stepmum ( her Dad's partner) has been there since she was 6 months old. So I wonder if mu DP sees this bond and assumes I should be the same. This situation is entirely different though. So of course I'm not going to have that massive bond with her as I've only know her DD 18 months.

I do feel my DP has such high expectations alot

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 28/07/2022 08:22

You don't have to love her just treat her well and not obviously different when all together (i.e. don't buy your child an ice cream and not her).

It is unrealistic to demand that someone loves someone the same. Some people do. Some people don't. But it isnt something you can just choose to do and therefore are awful for if you can't.

I have been in my step daughter's life now for about 18 years. I do care for her considerably. But I now have children and do love them more. 100%. The difference is that they live with me, she only did for a couple of years as an adult. I have also had them since birth and they are parented 100% how I choose to parent. I met her when she was already 8 and had been parented entirely differently to how I would choose up until then. We did have an excellent close relationship - more so than with her own mum - but in recent years she has cut people off and treated me awfully. I still care for her but it made me realise that the unconditional love isn't there. She actually can damage how much I love her due to her behaviour just like my very close friends can.

I think it would be different had I raised her as my own but that isn't our situation.

CantaloupeMelon · 28/07/2022 08:23

Your DP is being unrealistic and setting you up to fail.

Mally100 · 28/07/2022 08:47

CantaloupeMelon · 28/07/2022 08:23

Your DP is being unrealistic and setting you up to fail.

This. You might as well walk away. I don't believe that you can love another child like your own, especially a difficult one at that. This will be a very big issue for you and she might take her resentment out on your ds. I would watch out for that.

justfiveminutes · 28/07/2022 08:50

This is so ridiculous I wonder if it is just a convenient excuse to end it.

SarahSissions · 28/07/2022 09:28

You just have to treat the children fairly and kindly. Kids have brilliant BSmeters, her child will find it weird and claustrophobic if all of a sudden you are showering her with false affection.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2022 09:36

Is this her first relationship since leaving her ex? Does she expect all new partners to love her DD as she does?

If you broke up tomorrow and you don’t share a child you’ll probably never see DP or her child again so tbh at 18 months in you’d be barking mad to love her.

Does she have other unfair expectations? How’s the relationship generally?

Original poster
Bombshell101 · 28/07/2022 09:42

Mally100 · 28/07/2022 08:47

This. You might as well walk away. I don't believe that you can love another child like your own, especially a difficult one at that. This will be a very big issue for you and she might take her resentment out on your ds. I would watch out for that.

Show quote history

I feel like this is already an issue.

The stuff her DD has done and the way she behaves i find hard. She is very manipulative and even told me yesterday she put on a sad face to get an accessory she wanted but not to tell her DM that was her tactic.

I've heard her lie to her other step mum to get what she wants and doesn't listen to rules set by her mum. So it's hard to find love when she is this way. Don't get me wrong I'm not mean and treat my DS and her fairly as in if one has a treat then the other does. I give her hugs and chat with her and listen but there love is not there that my DP wants me to have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bombshell101 · 28/07/2022 09:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2022 09:36

Is this her first relationship since leaving her ex? Does she expect all new partners to love her DD as she does?

If you broke up tomorrow and you don’t share a child you’ll probably never see DP or her child again so tbh at 18 months in you’d be barking mad to love her.

Does she have other unfair expectations? How’s the relationship generally?

No she's had other relationships after her DD dad. These people have had children too but I don't know if DP demanded this on them.

I would say yes she does have other unfair expectations but she does in her work life too.
I've been finding it hard recently with one rule for DP and her DD and another for me and my DS.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2022 09:46

I think the point is that even if she was a delightful easy going child you wouldn’t love her a year and a half in. You probably/hopefully didn’t meet her straight away so it’s really early days.

You know she’s unreasonable and being daft. Her expectations are not normal.

And you’re a parent, you don’t expect anyone to love your son like you do.

You’re at a decision point and for your own sake I’d strongly consider leaving. You don’t need or deserve to be made to feel you’re in some way defective for feeling how anyone else would.

Zonder · 28/07/2022 09:49

Does your DP love your DS as much as their DD?

Original poster
Bombshell101 · 28/07/2022 09:53

Zonder · 28/07/2022 09:49

Does your DP love your DS as much as their DD?

Apparently so 🤷‍♀️ I've said it's different though and she's saying it's not. Which I find baffling.

OP posts: