Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked how she passed away?

36 replies

ANewNameANewDay · 26/07/2022 22:30

I have been with my partner for five years. Prior to us getting together, I was seeing a guy for about a year who was aggressive, violent, controlling and emotionally abusive.

A few months ago, a mutual friend of me and my ex passed away very suddenly. I found out through Facebook that she had passed away but wasn’t sure the circumstances. She was a lovely, popular girl and it was obviously very sad news to read.

My ex and I work in the same place and have done for many years though we rarely actually see each other. Today I happened to bump into him by chance and we had a brief conversation about what had happened with our mutual friend, nothing more.

I told my partner that I’d chatted to my ex about the friend’s passing and he has gone apeshit. Telling me the abuse can’t have been that bad if I was able to have a conversation with him and I can’t have been that scared of him etc. Said I can’t have been upset about the mutual friend passing away as I didn’t even know her (I only met her on a handful of occasions) so I should not have struck up a conversation.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
MammaWeasel · 26/07/2022 22:32

You don't half pick 'em lass......

FannyFifer · 26/07/2022 22:33

Well your new partner sounds like a catch.

ldontWanna · 26/07/2022 22:35

So you left one abusive wanker and now you're with another wanker that's not completely abusive ...yet.

angelikacpickles · 26/07/2022 22:36

So you left one prick for another then?

Heroicallyl0st · 26/07/2022 22:37

LTB

Feelfreetocallme · 26/07/2022 22:37

Your current partner is not behaving in a normal way.

Sapphire387 · 26/07/2022 22:41

Your partner is being unreasonable. Sounds like it isn't only your ex who is controlling.

Ponoka7 · 26/07/2022 22:44

A five year relationship isn't that easy to just walk away from. Think if there's been any other red flags. If th3re

HRTQueen · 26/07/2022 22:44

I think some time on tour own would be beneficial so you will know when someone is being unreasonable

put yourself first

SeriousAlligator · 26/07/2022 22:45

That's ridiculous. Domestic abuse situations are not of the same nature as having a quick word with somebody at work! Your new partner sounds almost as bad as your old one!

FWIW, I still speak to my abusive ex. I'd never put myself in a situation where she could physically hurt me again of course, but my life wouldn't be any easier (in fact would be a lot harder) if I was to cut her off completely. It's up to YOU how you deal with trauma/abuse/any negative situation you were the victim of.

Ponoka7 · 26/07/2022 22:46

If there hasn't been then I want it talked out properly, a proper apology and make it clear that another occurrence of similar behaviour ends it.

SuperlativeOxymoron · 26/07/2022 22:46

His reaction was a bit OTT wasn't it?

Your ex may have been abusive, but your current is an arse! You're allowed to enquire after people, even if the person you're asking isn't someone you would talk to in normal circumstances.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/07/2022 22:48

Sounds like you’ve gone from one abusive partner to another. YANBU.

WinterMusings · 26/07/2022 22:49

he's an insecure, abusive, nasty little prick. He might not (yet) seem as bad as your Ex, but he's not a good man.

run away!!

Fleur405 · 26/07/2022 22:51

‘The abuse can’t have been that bad” - I mean I’m not quite sure what sort of a person says something like that (does he not believe you were abused? Does he think it’s ok for men to abuse women as long as it’s only a little bit?). HE is being very unreasonable.

Merryoldgoat · 26/07/2022 22:52

Sounds like you’ve got rid of one prick and acquired another.

Is he often so unpleasant?

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 26/07/2022 22:53

Sometimes you have to communicate with colleagues and your ex is a colleague. Plus your conversation was about an exceptional situation. Sorry to hear your sad news. YANBU x

C0mfyChairP0se · 26/07/2022 22:54

It's very common to have another abusive relationship after the first one.

:-(

Sorry about your old friend. You must have been so shocked and sad to discover that, and then not to be able to talk about it with your 'partner'

jumpingjackonthelash · 26/07/2022 22:54

ldontWanna · 26/07/2022 22:35

So you left one abusive wanker and now you're with another wanker that's not completely abusive ...yet.

THIS

Lesina · 26/07/2022 22:55

Ah love, walk away. You mustn’t tolerate anyone going ‘apeshit’ with you.
no one has that right and you don’t ever tolerate it. Tell him to do one and move on.

ChaToilLeam · 26/07/2022 22:55

Sounds like you have a right asshat there. I’d be reevaluating the relationship based on that ridiculous reaction.

QueSyrahSyrah · 26/07/2022 22:57

Sounds like you've jumped out of the frying pan into the fire OP.

It's not normal for a grown man in a 5 year long relationship to be as possessive / controlling as yours sounds.

I also work in the same building as an ex. Chat to him if we cross paths, even catch DH up on the gossip if there is any. He couldn't give less of a toss that I talk to an ex, because he knows he's an ex for a reason.

onlythreenow · 26/07/2022 22:58

Sorry OP but you are picking the wrong type of man. Your current partner is a dick and this would set alarm bells ringing for me.

CuriousMama · 26/07/2022 23:01

All of the above ☹️

tara66 · 26/07/2022 23:07

Your DP is BVUR - so LTB. You can talk to anyone you wish to - none of his business. He seems insecure and domineering.