End of relationship and work

[Strawberries86]

Trial separation with dp started a month ago. Many issues, he’s not a bad person but I have realised some of his behaviours are toxic, he doesn’t realise it and he’s not bad, we are just not right for each other anymore.

We have children, they are under 5, no idea what’s happening because he used to work shifts and not seeing as much is normal. He comes home at weekends to see the kids, sleeps on the sofa. It’s hard but we are amicable. For now.

In many ways I’m ok, I know it’s right, I think my life will be better in the long run. But for the absolute life of me I can’t focus on anything. I have a job where I am responsible, I make important decisions and I can do that when I need to but inbetween I’m just clock watching or I sit in my office just doing nothing. I can’t concentrate, I don’t even know what I’m thinking about. Sometimes I feel elated and sometimes I feel numb.

Part of me feels pathetic at the thought of telling my boss, the thought of taking time off when there’s nothing wrong with me. But then the other part of me thinks I can’t go on like this, maybe I need some space, some time out?

Would it be unreasonable to have time off work sick for the end of a relationship? I can’t take leave, I don’t have any that it’s the allocated to school holidays and childcare.

I feel like a knob even asking. I’m not lazy, no history of massive time off but had covid and a bug from the kids in the last year.

Sorry forgot to add I have a week and a half leave coming up in august.
It just feels too far away.
Maybe that’s me being ridiculous.

How old are you? Could it be peri/menopause?

@Sunshinelovely 35. I don’t think so, I think I’m just coming to terms with this event. Weirdly Iv not cried about it and I cry so easily. But I did cry when I burnt my toast this morning - I don’t usually cry that easily.

Sorry for serial posting.

it’s like I’m either handling it really well and just a bit distracted. Or The opposite and I’m not handling it at all. It’s horrible to feel like you don’t know what you’re own brain is doing.

OP you should absolutely visit the doctor and get signed off. My GP did this for me over 20 years ago when my relationship ended. I was signed off for 2 weeks and the reason was 'grief reaction'. I was much younger than you without kids and not in a very responsible position but I couldn't think straight. Crying at the toast says it all to me, give yourself a break, and I'm so sorry about your break up. Its really hard.

I didn't take time off, but I did let my work know. My relationship broke down over the summer holidays and actually I was glad of the distraction of work when September arrived. It was also good that I'd told work as it was a whole other support network

Thank you both of you. Iv always been the type of person that enjoys the structure and distraction of work. For some reason it’s not doing it for me.

my boss tries to do the emotional support thing but I know they hate it and it makes them uncomfortable so that makes me uncomfortable to tell them.

the crying about the toast is weird because I keep feeling the urge to cry about the relationship, I feel like I’m going to then it stops??

thank you for replying.

OP my GP described it as the same as grief but the other person is still alive. You may not be ready to cry, having some time off might let you have the space to be ready and give you the chance to let the grieving process begin.

Thank you for your replies. I think I just feel like a fraud because I don’t feel anything extreme, I’m not crying into my pillow every night or struggling to get out of bed.

I take on board the replies though. I think the very least I need to tell my boss and take it day by day.

I agree with PP and I'm generally a push on kind of person because as you say, it's a good distraction. But your body is telling you to stop in other ways than what might seem local, like crying at the burnt toast.

There are definitely times where you have to step back and allow yourself to process what's happening. This is a life changing event and it is a loss. Listen to what your body is telling you and look after yourself.

It’s a good idea to see your doctor and tell them all the things you’ve posted, not concentrating, not getting out of bed and struggling to function in a normal way

get some time off if you can to allow time to help

Could you explore working from home part of the time or different hours with your boss, or advancing your leave? I agree about telling your manager.

@balalake honestly Iv had to make myself go to the office because at the risk of a roasting, I took the piss last week working at home. Im admitting it here and I should feel bad but I just don’t care.

I'm sorry you're struggling OP.

For those of you saying "get signed off", how does that work? Especially if OP is feeling numb and not really crying? Does she call her practice and say "I need to see a GP so that I can get signed off"? And then see a GP and say, "Hi, May I have my sick note please?"

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For those of you saying "get signed off", how does that work? Especially if OP is feeling numb and not really crying? Does she call her practice and say "I need to see a GP so that I can get signed off"? And then see a GP and say, "Hi, May I have my sick note please?"

She tells the GP she's under a huge amount of emotional stress.

The 21% who think this would be unreasonable just reflects why we have such a problem with depression in this country. We are conditioned into believing that our emotional health matters less than physical health, and even worse, that it matters less than work!

I don't doubt that, however in my experience those of us who experience trauma as becoming numb (like the OP) have a hard time getting support.

For instance, the only time I went to the doctor for stress, they said "chin up" and prescribed drugs. I asked about a sign-off note and they said no.

I'm not sure what your relationship with your boss is like but we've had two people at work each go through divorce and both were given time off. I think they just put it down as sick leave. Not sure if they got signed off by their GP or not. The end of a longterm relationship is a big thing.

Thanks for the replies. I think my issue comes down to knowing I don’t feel right but I don’t feel depressed. My boss is a nice person but I know they hate personal stuff as much as they try to hide it. They will be nice to me but deep down I know they we will be thinking ffs I really wish she would just get on with things.

I need to take responsibility and at least let them know. I think il take it day by day and see if I can get to my leave.

thanks for reading my ramblings, talking to people on real life just felt like too much.

My boss took a month off when her long term relationship ended.
We all understood and were worried about her. It was definitely the right thing, she must have needed that time.

When I split up with my ex, father of my DS who was 11 months at the time, I bumbled along for a good couple of weeks then crashed! I took a couple of days off work, just to decompress or whatever, its natural especially when kids are involved. I think I just got on with it because I "had to work to pay the bills, food on the table" etc but then I suddenly felt like I'd been hit by a bus with the reality of being left holding the baby, literally! I think I took a Thursday and Friday off then was back to work on Monday. Luckily my folks took DS for the Thursday and Friday whilst I spent the day crying and then a day sorting finance stuff and then spent a weekend with my DS and my folks who assured me they would help. Monday, I put my big girl pants on, full face of make up and got on with life. It was hectic, stressful but we coped. I'm so grateful to my parents for all they did!

We all need down time for whatever reason, we aren't machines!

I hope things improve for you OP

Hi everyone, woke up today after no sleep and realised I could not work today. I had already told my boss after the last thread so he was understanding. Just as I dropped the kids off I went back to bed and not 10 minutes later my family descended on my house to do diy they have been helping me with.

I do not want to be ungrateful but Of all the things, this has just broken me. The strength it took not to go to work and now I have a house full of people.

I just need peace and with 2 kids under 6 that doesn’t occur naturally.

Any tips on how to break up with my family? (Semi light hearted, I really am at rock bottom but my family love me and the diy is much needed).

Aw bless you. Just hide out in your room, let them get on with helping you and maybe they can sort you some dinner and bring you tea etc too.

I had to take a couple of days off recently - I’d split with my ex months before but then we got back in touch, I thought we were back together, slept together and then he backed off and said he couldn’t do it again, so all the heartbreak from the last time came back up to the surface. I was utterly broken. Explained to my line manager that I was struggling with MH issues, had an appt with the GP to get ADs and took a few days to get my head together. When I had my back to work meeting I burst into tears and told her I wished I was dead, which I’m not proud of, but at least she saw for herself what a mess I was and knew I wasn’t taking the piss!! The ADs have helped a lot, so don’t be afraid to give that a go if you think it might help. Hope you get some rest and are able to switch off your brain and sleep well tonight.

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair amazing username!

Thanks for the support, it sounds like you have been through the wringer as well. I’m glad the ADs have worked for you, I’m certainly not turned off to anything that might help.

If you feel you need time off then absolutely take some. I had about 3 weeks off work when a long-term relationship broke down years ago, I had to move out of our apartment and back in with my parents on the opposite side of the city until I could find a place to rent and the stress was immense. I had a job where I had to speak to a lot of people and I just couldn't act "normal" at all, I wasn't eating or sleeping.

My GP wasn't very sympathetic tbh (vividly remember her saying she "wouldn't feel that bad" if it happened to her?!) but she did write me a sick note (or fit note or whatever they're called) and prescribed me some antidepressants which really helped me get through the fog of the first weeks. I also read more books in that time than I did for probably the whole rest of the year! I have to say my actual workplace was great, very understanding that I needed time but checked in with me occasionally to make sure I was doing ok still alive. They were extremely supportive when I went back eventually as well. Years on things are much better for me and I've met my actual great match and am so happy and that whole period seems like a weird fever dream, but I shudder to think of what might have happened if I'd just tried to soldier on through it without any help or time to process it.

Best wishes OP. I know a lot of people say work is a good distraction for them but if you can't manage it then you can't and it does NOT mean you are lazy (I think I'd had about 2 or 3 days off sick in total in the previous three years before that) or anything like that. Sometimes big upheavals need time to be worked through