Emotional affair v physical affair

[Mememene]

AIBU to wonder which is worse? We used to have this debate at work, is it worse for your partner to be off shagging around with another woman who doesn't mean anything to him. Or is it worth for there to be no physical connection but that he is in love with her or has real genuine feelings for another woman?

Are they are bad?

Is one more unforgivable than the other?

Both are shit.

Neither one is forgivable

Both are shit, but I think an emotional affair is harder to come back from as they are already emotionally invested in someone else.

Both suck arse

but I think my person, having his own person who isn’t me would crush me

They are the same imo. If he’s off shagging women he doesn’t really love or respect you, it’s no better just because he doesn’t love them. In a way it could be worse because he would give up your entire life together for a fling.

Odd topic to repeatedly discuss in work.

Would make no difference to me. Both are equally unforgivable and would be the end of any relationship.
At a push, I’d say emotional attachment might hurt slightly more but that’s just a guess.

It makes no difference. The trust would be gone either way, and so would I...

Emotional affair 100%

I could get over a shag, but him telling someone else he loves her? Never

Lunchtime debates they were really interesting as we were eating our sarnies :-)

Emotional connection might be worse, constantly thinking about someone else and caring about them.
Although, the actual act of him putting his penis in someone else is a huge betrayal too.

That said, I have been the OW, and I know for sure he loved his girlfriend very much and I meant absolutely nothing to him emotionally. He only wanted me sexually. I didn't compare to his girlfriend in any other way though she was his 'best friend' he was clear on that. Genuinely was just sex for him.

From a purely hypothetical point of view I think I would rather he fell in love with someone as although it would end the marriage at least it would be for something meaningful, if that makes sense? To throw everything away for a cheap shag would just be so repulsive.

Personally I couldn't forgive either, to have a emotional/loving connection with another woman, I'd be possibly even more devastated.

Why/how were you ok with that?

and I’m not asking in a judgey way or like I’m spoiling for a row, I’m genuinely curious. why you’d want to sleep with someone who was so clear that they were just using you for sex? How could you find him attractive? That would be really hard for me to deal with

I did both when I was married, and the EA was the very much bigger deal. I thought about him non stop. XH was also more bothered about that one (though had no right to be bothered about anything).

@stupidly were you emotionally invested in your affair partner or was it just sex for you also?

That would never be ok for me but women can want sexual relationships without the hassle of being accountable to one person.

I've just come out of a three year relationship, and there's no way I'd go back to another one so soon and be tied down. But I wouldn't shag another woman's bloke either, in my world it's a kind of "sisterhood/girl law" you don't do.

I agree with this, and to quote Rachel from Friends that 'you were prepared to risk our relationship for someone who meant nothing'

But both/either are awful & completely unforgivable in my book. And DH's too luckily

Sex is just an act so I could potentially forgive that.

An EA would really hurt me but I never know when a best friend stops and an EA starts.

If he’d been talking about making plans to spend his life with her etc it would be unforgivable.
Likewise so would an EA and physical affair put together.

Both are shit, so I voted YABU

Emotional betrayal is crushing - but both require lies and the destruction of trust.

No need to rank misery

@deedledeedledum
I think I got caught up in the moment with him at the beginning. I did develop feelings, I wanted him to want me.
But when I realised it was just sex I was able to manage my expectations and quite quickly it became just sex for me too.
If he ever suggested meeting up for something other than sex (a walk, a drink etc) I'd always decline because frankly I couldn't be bothered if I wasn't getting an orgasm.

*Why/how were you ok with that?

and I’m not asking in a judgey way or like I’m spoiling for a row, I’m genuinely curious. why you’d want to sleep with someone who was so clear that they were just using you for sex? How could you find him attractive? That would be really hard for me to deal with*

Yeah. It's a fair question. I think I found him incredibly physically attractive. He is a very handsome man. And sexy. A lot of magnetic sexual chemistry. I think I liked being used a little bit. I have a horrible, self destructive streak that thrives on a sense of rejection. At least at first, I felt lucky he chose me to have an affair with. And affair probably isn't the right word. My self esteem was crushed over and over.

It isn't about sex for me. If you plan it and lie to me about where you're going to be then there's nothing worse. Shagging someone on a night out, or texting someone you work with is nothing compared to "I'll tell DW I'm going out with my brother and we can go out for dinner." It's the deceit, the planning and the manipulation of intentional affairs like that. Sometimes shit happens, but don't plan it.

I wouldn't forgive either but I'd like to think that if he was going to ruin our life as it is he'd do it for something meaningful