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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who needs to give in?

24 replies

leifee922 · 26/07/2022 17:56

We need a new front door, current one is out of fashion and seals are bust. We chose a door, I was never a fan of it, but accepted in because my husvand liked it. Its traditional british style, im from mainland Europe and prefer European styles as they look to me more modern, my husband has been against "modern" styles, finds 100 reasons why he dosent like one even i offer different styles to tick his boxes, like postbox in the middle, no glass on lower part of the door etc. He says his house, his choice goes (mortgage on his name and he makes the payments). I told him i will pay for the door myself as i really would like the door i chose and offer to come sit with me to try to find something that ticks his boxes (postbox, glass etc) and mine (the style) and thats where it goes wrong, n+he says he is not interested he wont hace any other door but the one he chose. 17 years together, hmm.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/07/2022 18:15

"He says his house, his choice goes (mortgage on his name and he makes the payments)."

I expect the door is the least of your problems with him. Are you financially secure, or financially dependent on him?

TimeForTeaAndG · 26/07/2022 18:16

Just because his name is on the mortgage doesn't mean it's "his" house. When did he buy it, how long have you lived in it together/as a married couple.

That aside, major home updates should be a joint decision.

But given that he's giving you the "his house" foot stamping I'd be inclined to tell him to shove it up his arse.

Huntswomanonthemove · 26/07/2022 18:19

You have more problems than your front door. His attitude absolutely stinks, frankly. Does he think he's living in the 1950s?

"He says his house, his choice goes (mortgage on his name and he makes the payments)."

bridgetreilly · 26/07/2022 18:40

You’ve already chosen a door and are now trying to make him change his mind because you don’t like the one you agreed to? Also, it’s not just a matter of personal taste, but choosing a door to match the style of the house. You sound even more stubborn that he does, tbh.

Beancounter1 · 26/07/2022 19:56

Choose a door to match the period and style of the house, and the rest of the street if applicable.

Also, consider whether you have sufficient financial independence. Why isn't your name on the house and mortgage? What would happen if you split up?

Devotedcatslave · 26/07/2022 20:05

I don't think it really matters what door you end up with. The fact he thinks you should have no input into decisions because your name isn't on the mortgage is a massive issue though.

girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 20:08

Does he want the door to match his mindset?

Ganymedemoon · 26/07/2022 20:14

You are married and your name is not on the mortgage?? The door is not the problem!

hesttreat · 26/07/2022 20:59

How long has the current door been there?

Testina · 26/07/2022 20:59

But you agreed to his choice?

Testina · 26/07/2022 21:02

I’m not sure how much front doors really go out of fashion. Sure, new trends come - grey, with a long slim single vertical opaque glass panel for example! But my door is 70 years old, as is my house. It fits.

blueskyeve · 26/07/2022 21:21

Could you post pictures of the door styles you both like? I'm having trouble picturing what you mean.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 26/07/2022 21:23

Nope nope nope. He's an arsehole.
I am the breadwinner in my house. I pay the mortgage and I wouldn't in a million years do this on my DH. We both choose what we like and if we differ, we find a style we both like, even if it's not our first choices.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2022 21:25

17 years and the place you live is just in his name? Yeah, don't buy a door for his house.

Discovereads · 26/07/2022 21:26

How about you each choose a door and then you flip a coin.
Really this is such a minor thing to be falling out over.
It’s almost like you are both looking for something to bicker about.

StoneofDestiny · 26/07/2022 21:36

He says his house, his choice goes (mortgage on his name and he makes the payments).

What? What kind of marriage has this arrangement?

Kite22 · 26/07/2022 21:52

I couldn't get worked up about the 'style' of a front door but I would have a huge issue with the "his house" language. Are you not a team ? A couple ? Equal partners ?

Purpleforthewin · 26/07/2022 22:10

I think you have bigger problems than a door.

LucaIsPunching · 26/07/2022 23:04

LTB and buy your own door to your own place.

leifee922 · 27/07/2022 13:24

Thanks all, I agreed to his choice but the quote from the door company has delayed and the other day out and about i saw the door i like on a house same age as ours and it looked nice. (Hurst doors - kensington his choice, i would like a door with one square window in the middle of the door contemporary range or 2 long squares from composite range),in color we both agree, dark blue, the house is 1940s red brick.

hmm since i am sahm and carer to our disabled child, i thought he has put mortgage on his name for this reason, am i naive what is the down side of not being on the mortgage loan?

OP posts:
Testina · 27/07/2022 13:38

His choice isn’t old fashioned as in out of date. It’s a perfectly standard, fairly classic door - especially for a 40s brick house. I’m a fan of post box in the middle too - not visually, but to be kind to the postman!

But the point isn’t this one door, but a lack of partnership in choices. That’s why people are saying you have a bigger problem.

Its not necessarily a bad thing that you’re not named on the mortgage / deeds. Sometimes, with a non-earning spouse, you can borrow more that way?

Are you married? I know you say husband but it’s worth asking as some people say that when not married. If so, the house would be considered a marital asset in divorce anyway. It would be worth registering Home Rights Protection (you can Google it) if you think you’re headed for a split.

Testina · 05/08/2022 13:04

I already replied that pedantry over the holidays payment makes some teachers look ridiculous, and now we see it on this thread 🤣

Google tells me starting teacher rate is £25,714.

If someone works in a call centre and says, “I earn £25K pa”, you show me a teacher anywhere who would reply, “I’m on £34K pa equivalent, though actually the same as you in reality because it’s 9 months pay.”

You can’t have it both ways - either you don’t get paid for holidays, or your salary is too low.

Because I think £25K is too low for a qualified professional teacher. £34K though? Perfectly good salary to start on.

Testina · 05/08/2022 13:06

Apologies for posting on wrong thread 🤣

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2022 17:42

hmm since i am sahm and carer to our disabled child, i thought he has put mortgage on his name for this reason, am i naive what is the down side of not being on the mortgage loan?

Are you married?

His attitude towards 'his' house when you're a carer to your child is pretty dreadful.

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