Partner drinking all day at work

[trombolese]

Last night after a few months of repeatedly driving home drunk despite me having several panic attacks/meltdowns about it and begging him to stop, my partner admitted he had a drinking problem (no sh*t). He works in a pub kitchen so drinks are easily accessible and he says he admitted drinks pretty much during service and beyond so from 12pm until he leaves around 10pm. I don’t know how many and I don’t know how much but 2 nights ago he came home completely battered, was sick all over my bathroom floor, couldn’t be woken up when I was feeding our youngest and our older child was upset, stumbling about the house, slurring words. I am absolutely mortified that he is my partner at this point and the man I have chosen to have children with and “spend the rest of my life with”. I cannot tolerate this level of complete stupidity, not to mention how dangerous his actions are to the public and himself. He has shown NO signs of alcohol ever being a problem throughout the entire 13 years I’ve known him, so I have absolutely no idea where this has all come from. I was under the impression he was having 1 or at a push 2 beers after work (he’s the kind of person who has “drunk eyes” even after a sip of alcohol),

He said that the two nights ago he took it way too far and is now going to stop drinking completely, however, I don’t believe this and I believe he has a serious problem. We have 3 young children and I don’t want to be the one explaining to them that daddy is dead because he chose alcohol over coming home to them safely, or that daddy is in prison because he killed a family driving. It all makes me feel utterly sick to my stomach. They deserve more than this bullshit. It is made all the more devastating by the fact he is a fantastic father and our kids adore him.

I have come to the end of my tether and beyond so I kicked him out last night and told him to find somewhere else to stay for the foreseeable and that if he came into my house drunk again after driving home, I will be calling the police.

AIBU for wanting him as far away from me and our children as possible? I feel so disgusted by his behaviour that I can’t see a way back for us. I just don’t know where to go from here 😭

He is a danger to himself and others with his drinking, does the pub manager know he is drinking at work, especially in a kitchen that is full of hazards, both safety and health. If he has a problem he needs to speak to his doctor to get help, he could also lose his job if he continues like this. Do you know where he is now, has he been in touch with you. You can find support from al anon for families.

Unfortunately it is a very common thing to drink on the job in kitchens, alcohol and other substances. I’m not sure if he’s doing both or just drinking. The pub manager tends to turn a blind eye or join in (he’s worked at several places where this is the case not just this pub). No I don’t know where he is, I think he is at work but he has not contacted me since last night. Thank you for your response, I will look into doctor and AA xx

Hi, you are not being unreasonable. You are protecting yourself and your children.
I second join AlAnon. Yes they have the prayer bit, which I didn’t like the idea of, but I found it really helped to speak about it honestly with people who have been there.
The father of my children also drank at work. He was away often Monday to Friday and it involved a lot of socialising (sales). I had no idea how bad it was until it was too late.
I'm sorry you’re going through this.
My ex is now sober, but it was a very close thing. He lost everything at the worst point. Your partner needs to recognise he has a serious, permanent problem that only he can work to resolve when he is truly ready.
The hardest thing for me was recognising how powerless I was in the situation, yet the impact for me and our children was horrific.

Definitely AA. I started about 8 weeks ago and it's changed my life. Sorry you're going through this.

I have worked in pubs but staff were not allowed to drink on duty, its really dangerous, they could trip, cause a fire, spill boiling water, be less than hygienic with cleaning and food prep. The manager is an idiot for letting this happen.

YANBU to kick him out and not accept his reckless and dangerous behaviour. He has admitted he has a problem which is a positive step but he needs to seek help now. Firstly, his working environment won't be helping his drinking problem so that needs addressing and I know it's easier said than done but is finding a different job possible? If he is serious about getting help and you will support him, do you think there is a way forward? Only you know him and if you truly believe that this isn't salvageable then the alternative is to sadly separate. Whatever happens, I wish you all the very best 💐

Not the point, but whose paying for all the drinks? Is he drinking his pay away too?
I've worked in pubs at management level, no way would I tolerate staff drinking for free on duty or allow them to drink alcohol that was paid for! Plus all the health and safety aspects!!

Sorry you're going through this.

The only people who have 'drunk eyes' after a few sips ime are people who have already drunk a lot on the quiet, and the 'few sips' you see them have are the extra that tips them over. He will have had this problem a long time OP,. And that's important, as alcoholics often pretend it's a sudden short term thing, because they're stressed, and can and will stop if you help them with this or that. They invariably can't and don't.
If I had my time over, I would not have stayed and supported (made no difference whatsoever, no matter what i researched or who i contacted) I'd have left and reviewed if he got help and stopped drinking entirely. For you that means, YOU don't look into AA and the doctor (please don't start down the fix it route) HE does.

@Youdoyoutoday as you say definitely not the point but it does raise something that adds insult to injury. His tips are very very good in his current job, I have repeatedly asked him to put it in a pot for our children, birthdays, Christmas etc as it would make such a difference to us (we’re talking about £100 and up a week) but after he had his first “good” month of tips they slowly dwindled despite being “really really really busy” 100% of the time. So yes, he spends his tips on alcohol, it’s all paid for and people buy him drinks as tips etc. Pitiful. While I’m trying to make ends meet and do the best by our children, he is spending his tips on drinks.

Thanks so much for all of your replies, really useful and so kind. I feel devastated by all of it. I’ve seen how much alcohol can affect families in my own family and the thought of living this life forever fills me with absolute dread to be honest. I won’t be looking into anything for him, he will do that if he wants to at least salvage a relationship with his children as they grow up Xx

@trombolese my partner had a bad time last year after we moved into a renovation house. I fell pregnant in August and he finally sorted himself before the baby was born, he's 3 months sober now and back to the man I fell in love with thank god!! Hopefully he can sort himself out for your children's sake op x

YANBU to kick him out. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation but sorry, YABVU to let him drink drive for months without calling the police. Imagine how you'd have felt if he had killed someone and you'd known he was drink driving and not reported it.

That's shameful!!

I've never known a pub where customers buy the kitchen staff drinks, who told you this? Getting a share of the tips, yes but not drinks. I've never once said buy the chef a drink either and I tip all the time.
Brace yourself for more shit to come out of the woodwork with this situation because this doesn't sound right to me.

I'd be shopping the pub/restaurant to licensing, environmental health and the police. This is not safe practice in a kitchen

This is so common in catering. Absolutely rife.

Sorry you are going through this but AA is for your DP to look into, not you. He needs to do this. You would be better with Al-Anon.

@Fairislefandango I know it sounds mental but I just didn’t actually think to call the police and put a stop to the problem once and for all. He got pulled over a few months ago as he was driving a tin can in a storm v badly, he was breathalysed but had 1 drink so scored low (I have seen proof of this) but i would have hoped this would have scared him into never drinking and driving. He also went missing for a night and returned home seemingly very drunk but claimed a bad head injury where he’d been “knocked out” so I called both the police and an ambulance on that occasion. He had no alcohol in his system according to him when he had blood tests but I don’t know, I wasn’t there and didn’t hear what the police had said after. There was CCTV of his whereabouts though on this occasion though (although not the knock to the head) so I both believe him and don’t believe him about the drinking side of it all.

@Youdoyoutoday indeed. It does happen, it is mainly regular customers that buy drinks for the chefs, I’ve seen it happen while I’ve been visiting so I know it does but it doesn’t excuse any of it. And I totally agree, I am bracing myself because I know this is probably the surface of it all. Fuck sake, feel totally at a loss. 😔

@PersonaNonGarter thankful for this comment, it is absolutely rife. One of the chefs he’s working with even commented she’s never worked in a kitchen where there hasn’t been drugs involved. A scary thought.

I think Al Anon is AA. They have a family group support line as well as help for people with drinking problems.

The landlord may be in breach of health and safety regulations if they allow a chef to be drunk in the kitchen which puts all the staff and customers at risk, I would report the ll to the HSE or whoever regulates hospitality.

The thing is, where the drinks came from will be just one of many unknowns, as he will tell you whatever he thinks will be most acceptable. In reality it could be anything from his current story, to wiping out your bank account, to stealing alcohol behind his manager's back. The only thing you can trust is that you can't trust him. I'm sorry to be so negative OP, but don't waste time on speculating on the whys and hows. Secure your own finances, and as others have said, brace yourself. If he's at the stage of openly drink driving and returning to you in that condition, he's likely a way down the path.

You’re so right. And you’re not being negative, everything you say is just fact.

Everything everyone has said is so on point. My head is an absolute mess and I’m not sure where to go from here. Our kids are so bloody gorgeous and undeserving of this shit.

Regardless of everything else, if my partner was choosing to put innocent lives at risk by drunk driving, he would out the door instantly. He could kill innocent people & that in itself is unforgivable. I would also report to the police.

No, AA is Alcoholics Anonymous and is for the problem drinker.

Al-Anon is entirely separate and is for the family members affected by the alcoholic.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/