How do you stop yourself becoming resentful when your partner doesn't want another child?

[User272617]

I'm really struggling with this and I'm hoping someone can help or at least tell me I'm not alone!

I have one child with DH, it was a long and tough process to get her but she's the absolute delight of my life. I always thought I'd be okay with one child but I'm struggling to accept it now. She's growing up (only 3 so I know that sounds dramatic) and I just know in my heart I do actually want another child. I feel completely differently to how I thought I would before she was born. It's actually shocked me.

My issue is my husband has two older children, 11 year old DSD and 9 year old DSS and so he does have more than one child and doesn't want anymore.

I can sense some building resentment in me that he gets to have three and I'll only ever have one. If they didn't exist he'd be happy to have another...that sort of thing. I am well aware that's a horrible thing to think and I feel really shitty about it. I am also well aware I knew he had DSC when I met him, as I say this feeling has completely taken me by surprise. I genuinely always thought I'd be okay with one, I've never been hugely maternal until now.

Has anyone ever experienced this and moved past it? I feel like I can't really talk to DH about it as it's not fair to put any guilt on him for having other children obviously and I feel like a crap person to talk to anyone IRL about it.

I'm not looking for lots of replies telling me it's his decision, I know that. I'm asking how I can deal with this.

I've told him I'm not taking birth control anymore. I hate the effects it has on my body and as the one who doesn't want more kids I've left that element of it to him. It would just make you feel even shittier having to do that knowing I actually do want another baby so it's condoms or he can get the snip for now.

I would take my resentment out by poking tiny holes in condoms ;-)
I am just kidding. I really feel for you and I can’t offer anything constructive to make you feel better about the situation. I hope you’re able to talk to someone to come to terms with this because building resentment is very damaging to a relationship. Big hug x

I feel for you and think it's really unfair when you know he would have another if it weren't for the other 2 kids he already has. Have you actually discussed that part with him? Financially is it doable? I would find it difficult to not be resentful quite honestly. I'm not sure what to advise though because it unfairly seems like he has the final say over this.

I feel for you. I'd 100% suggest counselling to see if it's something you can get past or whether this is a dealbreaker for your relationship - and either way, to help you come to terms with whatever you decide.

I think it's also important you speak to him though - about how you feel generally (you can do that without being accusatory, he's still your partner and should be willing to support you with something you're finding difficult) but also about the realities of contraception, etc. He needs to know you're serious about no longer using contraception so he can make an informed choice about his own precautions.

I don't think it's unfair, and I think it's odd to frame it that way. It's upsetting for OP and hard to come to terms with, but it's not unfair, it's just life.

To say it's unfair either that he would potentially have had more children if he didn't already have others OR that he has a final say on it suggests that he's somehow acting in an underhand way.

He isn't. Having planned children should absolutely be a 'two yeses' situation, and therefore the person with a 'no' is always going to hold the sway - that's a good thing, because it means (in an ideal scenario), both parents are willing and committed to having a child. Having previous children without the foresight to consider whether a future partner might want more than one child isn't unfair, and (sorry OP - I'm not being cruel here!) OP had the choice to get into a relationship with someone without children, reducing that risk.

I really feel for OP and it's a shitty situation with no real 'good' outcome unless OP manages to come to terms with it and be happy with one child, but her partner isn't acting unfairly, nor is it unfair that someone has a preference for how many children they have. To say otherwise suggests OP's partner should just have a child with her because otherwise it's not 'fair' and that's a really shit reason to have a kid.

It might be worth exploring with a counsellor on your own because ultimately you need to reframe the situation to make your peace with it or you need to decide what is most important to you - being with your DH or having another DC. No-one here can answer that and your DH can't answer it either.

I have one friend who left her DH over this. She knew she wanted more DC and he didn't. There was no middle ground for them. She married someone else and went on to have four DCs. I also know someone who stayed and never got over the longing to have another DC. It put a permanent wedge in their relationship. It wasn't helped by her DH apologising once she was past childbearing age and saying they should have had more and he'd been wrong.

I know you were just kidding, but... something similar happened to a male relative. The marriage didn't survive the pregnancy.

I’m in a similar situation but we agreed right from the start we would only have one of our own so I can’t really resent him as that was the choice I made getting together with someone who already had kids.

I try to focus on the positives: being able to give my child all my love and attention, not having to go back to nappies and sleepless nights again, being able to afford better holidays and more days out etc. It’s still really hard at times, especially when I see friends having a second child, but then I imagine how awful it would be if I couldn’t have had any children and try to be grateful for that. And remembering that jealousy/resentment will only make my life miserable and won’t change the situation helps too.

I think I could not get over it. If your partner is really committed to no more then it might be a deal breaker. I would talk to them again rationally. You need to keep talking until you both agree.

And the other thing is, if the OP can't get past it and leaves her DH there is no guarantee that she'll go on to have children with anyone else.

She needs to talk to him

Thank you for your replies.

It's really hard.