Family politics

[Allotmentmum2016]

Hi,

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

I am the youngest of 3 sisters.
We're ages 37, 42, 48.
One lives abroad and the other 3 hours drive away.

My dad is at that age where he needs a bit of extra help and care.
My self and my partner are always the ones helping him. I love my dad dearly but he can be a bit of an awkward character.
He's recently had a very minor operation. But it means he can't drive. As we life over an hour away. We collected him and bought him to ours so we can look after him.
My sister who lives in the same country is very selfish.
She never helps out with him. It was suggested he go an stay with her. But she said no because it would cost them too much in fuel to collect him.
I've finally had to tell her that she needs to help out too.
We also looked after him for 6 months during covid.
I'm also pregnant and am having a bad time of it.

I just need my family to step up and help us out a bit.
What do I do?

It's very difficult. I think you're going to have to decide what you're willing to do, and do no more. Your sister may just be an awkward bitch, or perhaps they have a complicated relationship (especially since you mention he's an awkward character) or she has something going on that you don't know about it. Bottom line, you can't force her to help, regardless of whether her reasons are valid.

Don't run yourself into the ground.

What you do is look into paid care for your dad, if you're unwilling/unable to do everything.

You can't expect them to do anything more than they are prepared to.

Have you contacted ss for an assessment of your dad?

You can’t force them to help (though rest assured they will be the first to come knocking to check his will when he dies). See if you can get some help in the form of a nurse or social services.

You need to look at care homes.

Unfortunately you can't force people to take on what they are unwilling to. Likewise you can only control what you are willing to do. If he needs more than that it is time to start looking at paid help and social services involvement.

What sort of care and support does he need? What does he want?

Contact local services Age UK, council etc in his area and see what support he can get. Be clear about what you can and can't do with him and your wider family. Don't become the organiser, just say "dad I can do this weekend but not x weekend", leave him to speak to his other family. This is assuming he has no issues with memory or understanding. Your sister can't be forced to do anything but neither can you.

You cannot force them to do what they don't want to do, but you need to decide how his care will be managed when your baby arrives.

I should clarify that he’s not u ale to do things for him self.

He actually very well.
Just old, grumpy and set in his way.
he gets muddled up with a few things. He has always lived with someone up until him and my mum divorced.
He struggles to understand the basic grasp of doing things online etc etc etc
Hes pretty argumentative, likes to have the last word.
but he also is a fabulous grandad.
my sister in this country is always very quick to get him to travel to her to baby sit. But doesn’t like to help in return.
like I’m said he’s just had a minor operation and needs a small amount of short term care. As I live closest, it is always expected that I should do everything.
I’m currently going through a high risk pregnancy. So any help from my part is much needed.
I guess it’s hard to explain these types of situations over a forum!

She doesn’t need to help out. It’s not her responsibility, just like it isn’t yours. You don’t need to do this either.

If you don’t feel up to it you need to pay for professional care, not put pressure on others.

OP, you should NOT be risking your pregnancy.

Get onto your sisters and tell tjem you are not risking your pregnancy so will contact social services for help.

You have a choice here.

You just need to do whats best for your baby.

You have to take responsibilities for your choices.

Your father being grumpy, and difficult is not your responsibility.

Contact the authorities in his area and tell them you need to look after your pregnancy.

You will not be able to do this when you are busy with a newborn getting no sleep.

You certainly won't be driving with little sleep.

Take control now.

I would suggest that you need to have a family conference call, either with or without your Dad. You need to point out that you are not going to be so available, he is all your father, and all your responsibility, so you all need to decide on how you're going to manage his increasing needs (not wants - needs) as he gets older.

It could be that you give the time you are able, and they give money, in order to purchase services required.

He's not anyones responsibility if they don't want him to be or for whatever reason are unable to take that responsibility on

Your dad has a responsibility to meet his own needs. If he can't / won't recognise that, that doesn't mean you have to take over his care duties. I'd be disappointed in my sisters too, but that won't make them change.

Devise a care plan that involves sustainable amounts of efforts from you & put the plan to your sisters, with a decision deadline (soon). Gives them the chance to do more, else your plan goes into effect. He sounds like a good candidate for supported/assisted living, if he can find / accept a place. Do not feel obliged to do extra for him. You're not being selfish to have healthy limits.

Incorrect. He’s not any of their responsibilities.