DS tries things at nursery but won’t at home

[Bnxybee]

Sorry if this belongs to the parenting board but I visit this one more often.

I’ve suspected for a while that DS (3) has ASD. He is obsessed with letters and numbers and has a photographic memory. He has a good vocabulary and knows lots of words but his speech is often very matter-of-fact and sometimes lacks spontaneity. He flaps his hands and has a sensitivity to noise. He likes factual TV shows/YouTube videos like “A to Z car brands” (he knows more car brands than me) and “Names of flowers/cars/animals”. He won’t watch Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol but he loves Blippi.

On the other hand, he’s very social. He’s always aware of his surroundings. Gives eye contact and likes playing with other children. He also engages in imaginary play. He can follow 3-step instructions and is probably better at it than most kids. Due to this, his teacher doesn’t think he’s autistic and neither does DH. They say he’s just smart and quirky.

At home, I’ve tried to encourage him to ride his electric bike but he refuses. He won’t drink out of a cup, only his spotty beaker. He’s very fussy with food, too. Don’t even get me started on toilet training.

At nursery, it’s a different story. He rode a bicycle yesterday. He drinks from a cup. He eats what the other kids are having. And he absolutely loves it there! They are quite strict with him and won’t let him play with letters and numbers for a long period. Instead of having a meltdown, he just gets on with it and always comes home in a good mood. This morning he told me he rode a bike in the party room where they sang Humpty Dumpty and Happy Birthday. If I ask him to sing anything except the ABC song, I get a firm no! Apparently he loves singing different nursery rhymes.

I'm not strict with him at all and I generally let him stim and write numbers and letters to his heart’s content. Right now, he’s organising his cars in alphabetical order (Audi, BMW, “car” 😂, Dodge, etc).

I'm starting to think my laid back approach isn’t always benefiting him and I should be more pushy like nursery are. His dad thinks I should be stricter! AIBU to feel a bit gutted I don’t get to see him ride a bike or eat his vegetables?

You have my sympathy. I remember asking the nursery dinner lady precisely how she made "school carrots". Apparently, she chopped them up and boiled them, but she clearly must have held back on some secret process or ingredient, as no way would my daughter eat "home carrots".

My DS is 6 and fussy! Well he will eat sausages all day long on school but not at home. He likes carrots and broccoli in school too.

On the other hand he will eat chicken balti or tikka masala every day and anywhere so 🤷🏼‍♀️

is it because they are firm, consistent and regimented more so than it’s realised to be at home?

also he will be copying others which is hard to replicate at home
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To be honest I think you’re doing great. If nursery is structured and rigid then he needs home to be the place he can just be himself. Stimming and numbers are his way of self regulating it’s just as important for his well being as anything else. He sounds awesome so I say carry on doing what your doing!

Ah it’s always the same. My daughter went to the nursery I worked in at the time and I remember walking into the dining hall with the babies to see her with her hand up for seconds of pasta & sauce which she hated and would choke on/spit out dramatically at home. Apparently it was delicious at nursery! My youngest even ate hummus and carrot sticks at nursery. If I’d have served up hummus at home I’d have been laughed out of the room.

I’ve heard it from parents constantly too. I think it’s a combination of knowing you can play mummy/daddy/nanny/grandad to get something a bit nicer than boring casserole, and also that it’s nice watching all your pals doing something and joining in. They’re funny little creatures!

Ah I remember 'nursery bananas' well. No idea of the difference tbh but nothing would convince DD to eat them at home.

Now granny's scrambled egg and baked beans are somehow more superior to mine and won't be tolerated if I've cooked them.

I'm not sure what happens OP but you're not alone. I presume it's normal

This sounds really normal to me. It's very common for children to behave differently at nursery, eg eating food they refuse at home. I don't think changing your approach to be more strict will necessarily make any difference.

Although about the singing - it is different singing with all your friends or just standing in front of mum and singing by yourself. I find lots of kids won’t sing to me but they’ll sing on the carpet. I think they feel less self conscious because they can mumble along/look at others for the words. Bit like how I sing in the car but wouldn’t busk! But it sounds like he loves his time at nursery and loves his time at home. He’s a big boy at nursery doing everything their way but at home he wants to chill out with mum and do things the relaxing way with his cars & his fave cup. I’d leave him to it and be happy that he feels like home is his safe place.

I think the food thing is fairly typical with children. My 8 year old isn't fussy - very little he won't eat. At home, he won't eat tomatoes- says they are gross 🙄 however, he regularly comes home and says he had tomatoes from the school salad table - when I question this, he tells me school tomatoes are different/nice 🙄

My nephews are the same with my mum's cooking. They will eat anything Nana makes but if my sister made it home, they don't like it 🤣

You know him better than I do, @Bnxybee and I don’t want to be an arse but are you sure that’s ASD?

None of that sounds even remotely like a possibility of autism to me.

At heart, autism is a developmental issue with communicating and of course communication with others goes way beyond speech and language, but a child who is talking, making eye contact, social with others - that’s all pointing far away from autism.

Toddlers are famous for hating loud noises (hand driers?) and I know so many kids who can name hundreds of dinosaurs and the era they’re from, or about planets and how far they are from the sun, or about which the fastest land mammal on earth is … it’s brilliant, it’s wonderful, and some children with ASD do it but lots don’t.

As I’ve said, I don’t want to be that poster but it does all sound fine to me.

This sounds a lot like my 3 year old DS. Personally I never have once thought he was autistic.

They push the boundaries at home because you make him feel safe. Keep offering the foods and activities at home and if he doesn't...oh well.

I totally get it too but being stricter is likely to backfire. Eventually they surprise you!

He may just be hyperlexic and have an interest in learning

Sounds quirky and bright to me! All other behaviours also sound typical

Mob mentally!!

The kids are all together, see one another eating so just get on with it, I used to despair at the what I heard my DS eating at nursery, lamb stew, cous cous, beef curry, chicken paella!! All beautiful, yummy, freshly cooked food!!

Could I get the little sod to eat any of that at home!! Could I fuck!! I could have wept!!

I’m not sure tbh. He saw a little boy from his class yesterday at the park and they were running around together, spinning in circles and laughing. I mentioned my suspicions to the boy’s mum ,who’s a support worker for kids with autism, and she was like “no way, he’s too sociable”.

For me, it’s the flapping and singing abcs repeatedly when he’s upset. He also refers to himself in third person sometimes and I have to remind him it’s me/my/I, not “you”. He’ll sometimes say “are you hungry?” instead of “I’m hungry”. Not all the time but often enough to raise concern. His teacher thinks it’s fairly common though. My DM said only my brother (who has autism) did that.

All sounds very normal to me, lots of children behave differently at nursery with different rules and structure. They are also more likely to copy peers. My oldest son would tuck into peach slices at a playgroup but wouldn't touch them with a bargepole at home. Ds2 is 4 and currently waiting for a asd assessment. He however does not have very good social skills and has had an individual support plan at nursery for the last 6 months after it was becoming increasingly clear to myself and nursery staff that his social skills were behind his peers.